Hi everyone. I have been coming to MB on and off for years.

I am very frustrated and ready to divorce. My H of 18 years claims he doesn't want to. Our marriage is a roller coaster, and I am exhausted.

As a last ditch effort bc he said he wants to stay married, I said I would try to salvage the marriage if we had a plan. I suggested the MB program....to which he replied why bother bc I say I hate him...so.....I assume his answer is no. He says he didn't say no.....so, I ask is he saying yes? And then he says I never answered his question about What is the point?....so I give up bc exchanges like this are so common I'm over it.

The above was done by text bc we yell otherwise. He then responds that it is always him I want to change....... And we have to do it my way....

A few years ago, we did the needs assessments. Turns out I meet pretty much all of his needs. He doesn't meet most of mine. So, yes, I want him to change. Our marriage was excellent the first 12 years, so I know we are capable.

I am not stupid. I probably use every LB on the list. I have pretty much given up and just don't care. I obviously need to change as well. I am willing to stay married but not without a plan. I never said the plan has to be mine, MB, etc....I don't think this is unreasonable.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Advice?

Loving29, what was your previous screen name so I can look at your old posts?

I see that your last big issue with him was his poor boundaries around an old GF. I just want to get a sense of what the other issues have been.

And are you actually married? Do you have any kids?

We are legally married with three children. He used to be in the military. When he deployed for about 8 months (non combat) is when the issues all started up. He became IMO very controlling. He is no longer active duty.

We recently relocated from the Midwest to the west coast. This helped for a bit but became bad again when we went to visit family at the holidays.

My main issues with him are him being mean, lack of communication, not listening or caring about my opinion, him not being on my side, not being supportive of my work. Essentially, we are enemies. The ex gf was from before our marriage but always bothered me bc he was so defensive. They had contact via email again when he returned from overseas. He lied a lot about it. It is not an issue now.

His main issues with me are my moodiness (I have pmdd/severe pms), my expecting him to change, me being a hypocrite. Me hating him. Not sure what else.

I didn't have another screen name. I mostly read info. I did read some books.

We can help you turn this around but I suspect this has gone on for so long that you really need to get professional help from Marriage Builders. If you both can follow a plan, we could help you on this forum. Would you and your husband follow this plan if we showed you how?

And what is his objection about your work?

I'm not sure if he will follow a plan. When asked, he either asks me a question or says its pointless....

He doesn't have a problem with my job. He does make fun of it a lot. If I can't get home fast enough, he gets upset bc the kids need to get picked up and he works from home. If I need to go to a conference or meeting, he throws a tantrum instead of talking about the issues. For five years, I took care of the kids on my own because he worked second shift...there are plenty of options to make sure they are able to get places.

He keeps saying he wants to stay married but told me today it's because of money. I'm not sure if that is true or not. I feel like I'm being punished.

It sounds like there is a lot of disrespect and independent behavior on both sides. For example, you must be going to meetings/conferences without his enthusiastic agreement [independent behavior] and he responds with anger.

If you can sell him on this program, we can help you do it yourself if you are very disciplined. If not, I would strongly suggest you sign up for the Marriage Builders program and go through that. They will assign you a coach who will guide you through the weekly lessons and you will have daily access to Dr Harley. My H and I did this in 2007 and it made an amazing difference.

I'm not sure I am going to conferences/meetings without his agreement. If I ask him, he will say he is ok with it.....

He gets it in his head things need to be a certain way, and if it doesn't happen exactly that way it is huge problem. He doesn't like to be inconvenienced, even if it means helping me. And, he wouldn't have to be inconvenienced if we talked about it and came up with another solution other than the one way he sees as correct.

It also frequently happens where we talk and I think we have agreed, but he blows up about what we agreed upon and blames me.

A vicious cycle.

I can see that he has an anger issue, which is one of the first things that will have to be addressed. It sounds like he is in the habit of agreeing to things he doesn't want to do.

I'm not sure.

He will typically say I misunderstood and he never agreed. This leaves me confused and hurt.

We both have anger issues. I just only periodically let mine show, whereas his are always bubbling out in snide remarks. I suppress my feelings until they explode, then he explodes back. Not good.

First, stop saying you hate him. Stop all lovebusters on your part. His neglect is not an excuse for you to tear your marriage apart as well.

If he will not follow a plan, I would prepare for a separation.
I would not stay with a man who says "What is the point" when I ask him to join a marital recovery program with me.

If he says that again, I'd tell him to call Dr. Harley on the radio show -- he can tell him what the point is, and it's free

Read When to Call it Quits, Part 1

Have you shown him the actual MB material?

Yes, he has seen the material. I tried to get him to do it before. Because he does not agree with all of the material, I don't think he ever took it seriously.

I tried to point out the success rate vs the counseling we tried because we are both science based people.

I don't have a problem getting a divorce, but because our communication is so poor....you can imagine how difficult it is.

I know I need to stop saying I hate him. I just don't understand.....if I am asking him over and over to please treat me better, why does he get more mean? It makes zero sense to me.

What are his objections?

And I would read the When to Call it Quits article and prepare to separate if he won't follow the plan.

Well, why are you mean to him? It makes just about as much sense.

The answer is that you both want things, and you are both resorting to using nuclear weapons to try to get what you want. It doesn't work, though -- you are less likely to WANT to give the other what he or she wants and needs.

Ask your husband to sign up for the online course with you. If he won't, then prepare to separate.

I don't think I explained my frustration very well, but it doesn't matter. I should be nice.

Regarding MB:

He doesn't agree with not having OS friends....which this is not an issue for us, so I'm not sure why he cares.

We both also do IB, in the form of trips once a year, but this is not really an issue either. We travel together a lot. (Although he recently told me hates traveling).

My guess is because he doesn't believe in it all, he has dismissed the parts that would be relevant.

I don't have a problem separating, but he will make it very painful for me on purpose.

The way to do this is to go to him and offer this plan. Tell him you want to have a romantic marriage where you are in love and you make each other happy. Ask him to sign up for this program with you. Then spend the next 3-4 weeks on your absolute best behavior with NO love busters, no fighting, meeting his needs to your absolute best ability while you plan your separation.

Ask him again in 4 weeks to join the program with you. If he doesn't, prepare to separate on that day. It might take a few months for him to believe you are serious about not accepting a horrible marriage, but I bet he comes around.

It is of critical importance that you CEASE any and all love busters immediately. I would download the book Lovebusters NOW, read it, and make sure you are committing no love busters.

OS friendships are an issue for any couple who does not want infidelity in their marriage. That is how affairs start.


As long as all of your trips are together and you never spend the night apart, it should be good. Traveling apart is what is bad for marriages. When you fall in love, you won't want to do this.

YES.

I guess what I was saying is....those items are causing our marriage zero stress, so even if he doesn't agree with Dr Harvey, it isn't as if his behaviors will need to change in those areas at all. He disagrees, but he's not going to be arguing about it. He's already following the program there. Moot points.

Update: I asked if he would do MB. He said he would do online program. I said I thought coaching would be good bc we have problems changing by ourselves. He went off about it always has to be my way....how I won't compromise.

I never said I wouldn't do the other part without coaching...just thought it was a good idea. Looks like we won't be doing either.

Gotcha. As long as you are both already doing it then it is not an issue.


The online program does come with coaching. They assign you a coach, Sandy or Kim, and they contact you weekly to guide you through the program. Is he saying he will only do the home study program?

Have you snooped for an affair?