I apologize. Yes, he was saying he would only do the home study, which I guess is better than nothing.....

But, because I thought coaching was a good idea, I didn't compromise according to him. He told me to read the accountability section, that I'm not taking responsibility for not compromising.

He says he was compromising by agreeing to do home study. Since he doesn't agree with all of MB, he says it's doomed to fail.

I never said I wouldn't do the home study.

I don't think this will work

Oh, I take it back. I did not realize they changed the name of the programs somewhat. There used to be only one online program and it came with the coaching.

If he will agree to the home study program do you want to try that first? Then if it doesn't work, you can add on the coaching piece.

You were right and I was wrong. They now have 2 versions of the online program.


Ask him how he would feel about trying the home study program but if it doesn't work, then ramp it up and add the coaching.

ALSO, "compromise" is not good for marriage. Negotiating mutually enthusiastic decisions IS.

He probably won't do any of it now because I said I thought coaching is a good idea.

We can't negotiate. If we are on opposite sides, and I suggest brainstorming....he will refuse. If I come up with ten alternatives that could work, he will say they are all my ideas, so I would be getting my way. "K's way or the highway" is what he says.

I give up, thanks anyway.

Don't give up! The next step is the plan I outlined to separate. Did you read that post? Did you read the article "When to Call it Quits?"

That's a disrespectful judgement. You are giving those up, remember?

Ask him, and let him respond.

I'd also like an answer to this.

Yes. I have. We just moved, so it is unlikely unless it one time hookup or long distance. I've done keylogger, phone check etc... While I think it likely to have possibly occurred years ago when he was overseas, I do not think anything is going on now.

He actually said he won't. I should have been more clear. Thought maybe he'd change his mind...

If he said he won't, start doing the plan that Melody laid out for you:


You've done the first part by asking him. Now to do the rest.

Thank you for the help. We did begin the first program, and we started reading one of the books. We also filled out the needs questionnaire.

The needs ranking and comments came out how I thought they would, but my husband was extremely upset by my needs not being met. I don't understand why bc we had been in counseling for years and covered everything. Any thoughts?

Going over the questionnaire was difficult bc of LB from both of us (not intentional but bad habits). I find it difficult to talk to my H bc of his demeanor and bc of LB. He has been catastrophizing the results which are huge LB for me bc he then appears insincere about making changes (ex, comments like "you never should have married me" or throwing the book in the trash bc it's hopeless). His repeated attacks on me have me at a loss of what to do. If I answer wih please do not say things like that.....it starts the snowball of a fight. If I say something smart back, it starts a fight. I have decided to not talk to him for most of the day.

H is now saying he wants to do MB and I don't. This is not true. I feel very uncomfortable around him, and talking about the book/questionnaire feels like torture to me. I told him that I was very angry bc his actions today did not seem sincere, and I will happily join him once his demeanor changes toward me. Is this wrong?

Please, advise.

What about signing up for the online program and let your coach deal with him?

Yes. Initially he refused to talk to a coach but now is saying he will.

It all feels like a game. I'm exhausted.

Could someone please explain to me how a coach could help here?

The coach would motivate him to stop the love busters so you can do the program. You can't do the program under these conditions. Once she gets him on track, she can give you both weekly guidance through the whole program.

Your husband needs to stop love busters now or this will never work.

I would suggest you start with the love busters lesson FIRST before you do anything else because this is all a big waste of time if you are going to love bust each other. You have to get yourselves under control first or you will end up disliking each other even more in this process.

We are both aware of LB. The problem is implementing not doing them. In counseling, we came up with rules but are unable to follow them.

The problem comes when one of us does a LB and the other person responds. For instance, if I do an annoying behavior....this is a LB. Then, my husband may respond negatively .....also a LB. I will ask nicely to please not talk to me like that, which starts my husband off on how I'm not perfect/I'm a hypocrite/it's not ok for me to do the annoying behavior, etc....his rxn is a LB. I will typically retreat after this starts, which H considers a LB.

How do we stop the cycle? How would a coach help?

The coach would motivate him to stop the love busters so you can do the program. You can't do the program under these conditions. Once she gets him on track, she can give you both weekly guidance through the whole program.

Your husband needs to stop love busters now or this will never work.

The coach is going to teach you both how to complain the MB way. If you do something that annoys your DH, he needs to learn how to tell you that you have annoyed him and you need to thank him for telling you.

The conversation does not happen in the heat of the moment but later, when he is calm. I find early morning is good.

He will tell you "I have a complaint" and you will say "Let me finish what I am doing and then I can give you my undivided". At that point you will sit down and listen carefully to what he says. You will not argue about his complaint as feelings are always to be respected but you can rephrase the complaint to make sure you understand it. I always add a little insurance at the end by saying I will do my best but that if I slip up, he is to please let me know again.

The reason why this works so well is that it allows us to voice complaints safely and in a way that does not escalate. In your example, you responded to his complaint with a complaint of your own. Classic destructive cycle.

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this...

I read that many spouses have asked for a polygraph. I like this idea. I have had issues letting go of my H involvement with his ex. This is primarily bc of unanswered questions. I think a poly would help resolve some of the feelings I have?

My H in the past has refused, but he is now saying he will with negative comments about junk science.

Has anyone done this? I would prefer his enthusiastic participation. Is it better to wait until he is more positive? I am willing to do one for him also.

What are the benefits? The only downside I see is if it is inconclusive, but if he willingly/happily participated...I think we would be better off than we are now.