Ok, that was the right thing to do. All affairs are the same, and as you now see, exposure is the first step towards killing it - they think they are so clever that lies will throw you off, now they are faced with the reality of their actions. You had zero chance of saving this without exposure, it would have been lies. You pulled the rug out. They ALL get pissed, because he had you believing his silly pro-affair plan.

Now, ignore as best you can his angry rants and expose further to her family. You child. Let it be known you need support to save this marriage.

Consider seeing a lawyer about separation. Plan A for women is short and then complete separation. He will quickly learn that this isn't fantasy. Put some reality into his silly plan.

I would expose the affair to his school and to the OW's family. Surely you can get contact information some way. If not through Facebook, then from the OWH. Can you find the OWH Facebook page?

That way, it will be much harder for them to carry at school. Since your marriage won't make it unless he leaves, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. In the meantime, I would plan on going into a dark Plan B. If you can't do that living at your farm, then move in with your family members. But staying in touch with him harms your chances of ever reconciling because hanging around as his option just makes you look unattractive while it devastates you emotionally and physically.

I would get these exposures finished up quickly so it has tsunami effect. The more time between exposures the less impactful.

You have the affair on the ropes, so don't let up now. Your best chance at saving this is killing the affair. And you can do this, because the OW is not going to leave her husband for yours.

Has your son reached out to your husband and expressed his disappointment in him? Does your husband know that you have exposed to your son?

I am trying to carry on with exposure but I feel like my hands are tied. I have searched both the OW and her husband on google, didn't find much. Both of their FBs are locked up tight (mine and my husband's are the same) All I can see are recent profile picture changes. Things that I did find out about them did not leave me anything to go on. I haven't given up however, and am still looking for info. The most I found were their daughter's, who are just young, the oldest being just 14. I have told my son.

Most of the people on our friends list already know. There are a few that I am getting in contact with now, I'm writing this as I wait for a few responses.

I have questions about Plan A. How does that work if my H is currently asking for divorce? Perhaps I'm not seeing clearly, but none of it makes sense to me right now. Plan A says to approach it with clarity, honesty, no anger etc., but how do I do that if he is not willing to discuss recovery at this point in time?

I have exposed at the school as best as I can. I cannot take to professors/admin etc., they want no part of it. The relationship is not considered to be against policy or an infringement of any kind. Their mutual classmates do know, but I'm not sure how much help they are going to be.

What is a "dark" Plan B? So do you agree that leaving the house and going to family is probably best for me?

No he hasn't, as far as I know. His circumstances still are not the best for dealing with this situation, however, so I'm not sure he will have contact in the near future. My husband knows that I have exposed him to everyone, my kids included. At this point, my kids seem to be refusing to talk to him. My oldest daughter is on a "warpath" of sorts, especially now that he spent another night with the OW, so I expect it won't be long before she gets in touch with her dad.

When we suggest exposure at school, we mean to the school authorities. I would send them an official letter via certified/registered mail and ask them to do something about it.

Additionally, I would not let up until you have contacted the OW's family. [you need to be doing this now!] If you see her children on Facebook, then you can probably gain access to their family members.

Absolutely.

Dark Plan B is where you have absolutely NO contact whatsoever. You don't see him, talk to him, text him, or e-mail him. I allows you to get the clarity that you are already questioning in yourself and let you heal emotionally. You need to find an intermediary, that is NOT a family member that will communicate with him via e-mail or text and will filter any information he needs to get to you which should only be financial and children related. NOTHING else is passed along to you and you need to block him from all your social media, e-mail, and cell phone as soon as you go into Plan B. I'm in Plan B now and it is wonderful!!!!!

I attempted to do this with the school, and was told "they are two consenting adults". I did this through his student services program. The most help I was offered was counselling to cope, but of course I am not there and cannot take advantage of any of the campus services.
As for their daughters, I haven't found them on facebook, what I did find was through google... a school newsletter, sports photo etc. There wasn't much. I am in touch with her H, he actually said "looks like there's going to be a lot of conversations between us in the near future"...He is seeking solace with his family, and I guess (hope) confronting his wife.

I am working on an intermediary. That's a hard one though...finding the right person. It shouldn't be a family member right? I have been in touch with a person in particular, someone who I think would be unbiased. He is a fellow firefighter from my H's time on the dept. But, I have not had a response yet, I believe he is on duty right now. I have limited options here. I do know that he helped another firefighter through similar circumstances last year.

I would go straight to the administrator. With any exposure, the value is not necessarily that they "will do something about it" but that they KNOW. For all you know, they might ask them in the office and ask them to stop carrying on at school. Even if they don't, it will make the affairees feel self conscious at school.


If you can't find her family, I would ask him for contact information. Tell him you want to discuss it with her parents and ask them to help you out.

I would not give up until you find her family.

You just need someone who will BEHAVE in a neutral manner. If they are truly "unbiased" I would absolutely not use them because the last thing you need in your life is a moral relativist. What kind of a person could be "unbiased" about adultery?

If he is friend of your husband, I would not ask him. Do you have any family members on your side, like, a cousin, etc who could do this job?

No, no, I don't mean unbiased about adultery. I mean he would work on a even balance between the pair of us. He would be fair and honest. And not pit one against the other. He and his wife are friends of both of us, but not close enough to pick sides.

My husband has started blocking me out of everything, changing passwords and deactivated his facebook.

The purpose of an intermediary is to ONLY filter out messages and pass on messages that are PERTINENT and in accordance to your Plan B. He would, of course, need to be on your side but agreeable to presenting a neutral FRONT to your husband. If he is not on your side, you don't need him around, though.

In short, he would only be a SPAM filter who would protect you from any communication that is outside of pertinent information about finances, legal matters. And that is only if the information is necessary. It would sent to you in the IM's own words.

Yep, I do understand that, and I think he is the best person for the job.

That sounds perfect. Have you read through the Plan B thread? HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY

Is it strange to feel like I'm being forced into Plan B against my will? (not by any of you, but by his actions)

I have gone as far as I can with exposure I think. I found her mother through an online news article and went from there. It was the most exhausting thing I have ever been through. I didn't get any responses (granted, most people will *wake up* to the message this morning because I spent the night doing it) and I have no idea if any of the people I have contacted will have any impact. I did however get rage from my H, which to me means some people have read it and contacted the OW for details or whatever. He says I am just being a spiteful ****, he says I'm only doing this because I'm hurt that the marriage is over. He still swears that they were only friends and that all he needed was a friend. I know that's all just lies, but what if he's right? I still have moments thinking I have just damaged my marriage beyond repair, and that I may have unnecessarily ruined this woman's life just for being a friend to my husband when he needed one. (Please know that I am just talking out loud here, through the emotional side of me. The rational side of me is screaming "GET YOUR **** TOGETHER GIRL!")

And I am left feeling like I want to start with Plan A. Is that ludicrous? I feel like I want to give him time to simmer down and then move towards a healthy relationship. Is it normal to just jump straight to Plan B right away? I still want to celebrate his successes, I still want the best for him, I still want to move through this life we have built with him.

Already this seemed to move so fast, without any input from me. The separation agreement will be drawn up over the next week or two by our legal reps, based on our prior contracts. He has already contacted the bank about refinancing the farm in order to buy me out. They just need the separation agreement to proceed with that. He has already listed trucks/equipment etc. for sale (all sales go through a legal rep, so there isn't a chance he can sell and keep any money) He did all of this after I contacted the OW's H, because as he says "this is definitely over now".

And all I want is to fix my marriage. I'm feeling a little (okay, a LOT really) like exposure backfired. I'm feeling like things are moving so fast already towards divorce that there is no coming back from it. I feel like I am desperately looking for a way to put the brakes on. Am I delusional here? And if I am, how do I come to my senses? By going into Plan B and just letting it all happen?

I guess I'm not just looking for someone to tell me "your marriage is over", but rather, I am looking for someone to help me believe it. And I want to know if there is any hope that it is not. I want to know if it is possible that this will save my marriage, I want encouragement from success stories that it might be possible to make this work out.

On another note, my oldest son contacted my husband last night, let's just say he was not polite.

Real exposure JUST happened yesterday (and overnight). You have no idea what affect that is really going to have. Obviously, by calling their bluff and contacting OWH you set off a bomb in their fantasy land. Great job!

Of course your WH is steaming mad about that. It is the predictable outcome in 99.99% of cases. He is steaming mad because you have made a major impact on his A and his fantasy. His threats about divorce, his "now you have REALLY done it, now I am definitely leaving" is SO per the wayward script, it just boggles my mind to reread that sentence in almost every thread. It really is as if there is a book out there that they are all reading from.

If this woman was ever just a 'friend' to him (which we all know is NOT the case), then why would she care if you told the world that? If what he is saying is true, then there is no reason for either of them to be upset about exposure is there? That is an ironic statement, to say you could have ruined an innocent girls life, because if she is 'innocent' then how on earth could the truth ruin her???

Exposure did not backfire. Right now, it is playing out exactly as it should. If I see BS's say that their spouse had no reaction to exposure, that is concerning. It means the waywards are so entrenched they don't even care who knows or what they think. But when the waywards are so upset, it means exposure did exactly what it was supposed to and set off a bomb in affairland.

Your marriage isn't over until its over. There is no way to predict whether it will be or not. But your chances of saving it are 100 times better fighting this A than if you had sat by and did nothing. You are following a PLAN and that is your best chance of saving things. There are many success stories on these forums of people who were in your exact situation and followed the PLAN and turned things around. But you need to follow the plan, you cannot follow 'hope.'

Are you being spiteful? No. You are just being STRONG. You are being the strength that your marriage and family needs right now, while he is at his weakest moment. You are doing whatever it takes to fight for your marriage. Do not let him shame you for that, be proud of your strength!