How many hours alone are the two of you getting each week? Doing what?

I don't know what this guy is doing that makes it legally difficult for you to quit but you may consider refusing to travel and letting the chips fall where they may. If he fires you, you may have an out to do your own thing. Without seeing this contract I am throwing stuff out there for you to consider. WIth you expecting soon, at some point you won't be able to travel anyway.

Pretty much


Agree but you can't force him either. Agree with Prisca that you should work on POJA skills with your H in general. From what you have posted you two don't POJA at all.

I agree. I do try hard to lead us through POJA and we do pretty well with it when it is for smaller decisions or things that are less emotionally charged. He gets worked up if I use MB language so I try to say things like, "let's first lay all of the options on the table and then make the decision". I am kind of trying to POJA without him knowing it. It would be easier if he would just consider MB. Unfortunately, when I first read about it I was so bad at it that I trie to selfish demand him into doing it and that blew up in my face (as you'd expect).

Not enough, that is part of the problem with our strain around his parents. They are over A LOT but he doesn't feel comfortable having them babysit so we hang out with them all of the time. My husband works Sundays so the only day we both have off together is Saturdays and his parents are over all day every Saturday. The only times they aren't is when I selfish demand that they not come over which doesn't help. However, on the occasions they aren't over he will often agree that we had a great day.

We rarely hire a babysitter but I have been working on us getting out alone without his family more. In the evenings after our son goes to bed he wants to watch TV or play on his computer. When I say let's talk he thinks that's dumb and that talking is not an activity. I try to come up with stuff for us to do together in the evenings at home after our son is in bed but have so far not found anything he is enthusiastic about (other than sex of course).

It's definitely not 15 hours per week of alone time, though.

Have you seen this? The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

Thanks all for the reminder of UA time. Since having our son we really let that part slide, we were doing great with it before that. I bet I wouldn't feel so strong about the move (and wanting to get away from ILs and wanting to get closer to one of my best friends) and he might be less resistant if we were spending more time being connected.

Time to go back to basics, I knew you guys would help!

I will find the show where Dr. Harley helps a couple POJA a move. One of the spouses wanted to live West Coast and the other East Coast. It was a fantastic show on POJA.

Here

Radio Clip on POJAing Moving
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thanks, that would be helpful!

We POJAed to move close to his family and part of that included making it a trial period. The trial period is almost over and I am ready to go. We should have made the plan for what would happen next!

I just talked to him on the phone and he said he wouldn't take a move fully off of the table and although he has been against a trial period if we moved away he would want a trial period. That is fine with me, I don't want to force him to live somewhere he hates!

Now, that's new information.
Staying near your husband's family is NOT the default position of POJA, then. If this has been a trial, and you are unhappy where you are, then time to find a new place you both can love.

Did these help?

Technically the trial requirement was that I had to give it two years (it's been 2.5) and if we moved it had to be before our son started elementary school (because he wants to find a permanent home before school starts). So, in his mind we still have until my son starts school to move but in my mind I met the two year requirement and so it's time to go.

You both sorely need UA time. If you start to plan out your week to where you are both enthusiastic about your time together, neither will end up in a resentful position such as all day Sat w/IL.

It's easy to tell your IL you won't be home on Saturday because you have plans together. Find a sitter you like and get out. You could ask your IL to sit but that might end up being too intrusive too at this point.

This planning is a basic as you say and will be the baby step towards the long range plans. My husband and I had a IB relationship w/out negotiations etc for years. I have an under grad ed and he is a doctor.

These days we have set up lots of supports around ourselves to keep us centered around our long range goals. We run a business together and I am proud to say just last night (ahead of the Presidents' State of the union speech) I was able to provide our own speech to our employees--- it was (our) annual business goals this coming year and take it to their roles towards making these goals possible as well as their potential gains. Win-win. Our own state of the union!

It starts with UA time! start planning your UA time. The short range planning for your UA time will get you to the the long range planning you are craving.

BTW, it sound like you both have a different ideas of what stability means. This is just an observation. Right now your husband see's a home in one location to raise your children as a marker. You want to get the finances and career on a more stable path. Perhaps discussing this stability issue will be a means of finding a solution.

The UA time is the critical gap here.

Have you told him no sex without adequate time to bond OUTSIDE THE HOUSE ON A REAL LIVE DATE or are you having unwilling sex? You must be doing one or the other.

You don't need to use MB language or be demanding for that. Just plain old common sense - no love equals no sex.

If you were bonded the PoJA considerations would be so much easier to navigate.

This was very insightful. I think I was DJing him about both his focus on location and his lack of focus on finances but I have to not view it as me being right and him being wrong. Instead, we both have desires that we are coming to the table with and we should work toward a solution that aims at meeting both of our desires. Thanks!

We had a good conversation about this, this morning and agreed that ultimately we both want what is best for our family. I am not against finding a stable location and he is not against stable finances, we'd be quite pleased to find both!

Hmm, I guess I thought I shouldn't be removing one way that we are actually meeting an EN, just trying to add others. I guess I could use it as leverage if necessary, though.

No, not leverage, love. According to PoJA you have to be enthusiastic about anything you do. To do otherwise is to set up bad 'I'll sacrifice for you if you sacrifice for me' habits.

I struggle to believe you can be enthusiastic without any non sexual care from your husband or time to bond with him.

So it has nothing to do with leverage but with to do with honesty. Honesty that you're not enthusiastic about sex without love. It's hard to really meet any need without enthusiasm any way. He wouldn't be able to meet your need for conversation reluctantly and as it's your need, it's your responsibility to find an atmosphere and conversation topics he would enjoy.

Similarly he has to provide an atmosphere for you to meet his needs. You would meet his SF need far better if you felt close to him and romantically bonded.

Unenthusiastic sex also causes a decrease in female sex drive and creates aversions so it's not a good idea at all.

I wouldn't say that I am unenthusiastic about the sex right now.