Ok so this is my first post here as I just found this site today. I've read through a lot of Dr. Harley's columns and there's just a lot of good advice. I'm still trying to get my head around it all and decide how to go about this whole thing. So any advice you all have as a starting point would be great.

First, I'll tell my story. My husband and I have been together 5 years and will have been married for 2 as of tomorrow. We have 2 sons; one almost 4 and the other just turned 1. Anyway, back in October, he comes home one night and out of the blue tells me that he's decided that he needs to move out for a while. He didn't give me much information but said that he still loved me, and that he didn't think it would be permanent. He was just so stressed at work and at home and he couldn't deal with it all and needed some time to himself. This was all a shock to me as I didn't know he was really struggling so much. I knew he was stressed but we all get stressed and I didn't know it had gotten so bad. He did say at one point "Maybe I should have talked with you about this sooner." I agreed with that but I was so devastated at the time all I could do was cry and had no idea how to react much less what to do/say. I never believed that he would cheat on me as he had always gone on about how he was always honest (HATES liars) even to a fault. It just didn't cross my mind that that would happen. We were both in tears that night. By the end of that week, he had gathered his clothes and started staying at his Fire Station which is about 2 hours from our home. In all the time since, our contact has steadily decreased. He was calling to say good night to the boys nightly but it got less and less and at this point we haven't spoken in almost a month except via text, which is infrequent. The whole time I've been telling him how much I love him and how much we all miss him. Maybe that was the wrong approach but it was all I had at the time. Well back at the beginning of November he received a check in the mail made out to him and another woman. I asked him about it and he said it was an old girlfriend whom he hadn't seen in years and he didn't know why he was getting this check. Well I trusted my husband and so I believed him and didn't think about it too much. But then I had registered "Sprint Family Tracker" on our phones since there was a free trial. Well during this time he was out of touch for a few days and when I checked the tracker he was in another state. I was so confused but he finally got back to me telling me he had poor service as he was up in the mountains hunting with friends. I believed him as I knew how much he had missed hunting and had been talking about wanting to go for so long. Anyway, not long after that one week night I had called him and he told me he was on his way back to the Fire House from work. I didn�t think much of it despite the tracker saying a bit earlier that evening that he was already at the station. But then after out phone call I checked it again and it said he was heading out of state again. So I called him back and asked him why he was out of state and he said he wasn�t. That he was still in in work van and heading to the station and would be in big trouble with work if he was out of state (he�s not allowed to take his work van anyplace other than home and work sites). He even said that he would take a picture for me to prove that he was still in his van. I wanted to believe him so I declined that offer and he said he�d let me know when he got to the station. Well I never heard back from him and he wasn�t answering his phone (it went straight to voicemail when I called). So I got concerned and suspicious. So I did a google search of the city that he was in according to the tracker and his ex�s name. And sure enough I got a hit saying she lived in that town. I freaked and called him leaving him a hysterical message. Again this was probably not the best reaction but it was what I did. Anyway, I wasn�t able to get ahold of him until the next day but he sent me a very angry text, saying he didn�t like these accusations. When I finally got to talk with him, I told him I wasn�t accusing him of anything but asking for him to be honest with me and tell me what�s going on. He said that nothing was going on and that he just still had to work some things out. He still wouldn�t elaborate on the �things.� I know it probably wasn�t smart but I love my husband and I so wanted to trust and believe him. So I said, I believed him and that I just wanted him to come home. And we�ve been carrying on the same manner of him texting me on occasion and calling even less frequently. Well fast forward to yesterday, I had been monitoring our cell phone bill and had seen a phone number on there pop up quite frequently. It wasn�t daily but it was often enough for me to wonder if it was her. Well yesterday I used a website and I was able to confirm that it was her number. That just made me so sad and mad. So I decided to look her up on Facebook. Well I found she does have a page and what do I see as her cover picture? One of my husband with her. So that pretty much confirmed to me that he has at the least been seeing and communicating with her if he hasn�t been sleeping with her. Well I decide then and there to flat out ask him if he�s seeing someone else. Well his response is �no why r u?� And I tell him no that I would never do that to him and that I love him. And that it�s just been almost a month since we�ve talked and I don�t understand why. His reply to that is �Because I�m scared and confused. I�m angry and lonely. I miss my family and don�t know what I want. I know I�m tired of hurting you and if I talk 2 u I hurt u and if I don�t it hurts you� I know I probably should have confronted him then but I just couldn�t do it and wasn�t sure the best way to do it. I snapped a screenshot of the photo�s on her page with my phone so I�d have them in case she removes them or something. But I don�t know if I should just tell him I found them or if I should send him one of the pictures? I don�t even know what to say when I do. Do I even really have enough proof of his infidelity? I�d just really like some advice on what�s the best way to confront him especially when I can�t do it in person. Or should I try to see if he�ll come see me and do it then. I�m just so confused and upset.

I did read the Exposure 101 thread and know I should do that but I don�t even know where to start with that. He doesn�t have a Facebook page so that�s not even an option. And I don�t have any contact information for any of his friends. The only ones I could actually talk with would be his mom and possibly his father (they are divorced). Should I start with them? Again I�d appreciate any advice and support. I�m sorry this is so long!

Sorry you are here tweety, but this is the best place for you at this time.

I'm sure a vet will be here shortly but I just wanted to say that you need to plan and start exposure very soon, before your WH and OW start making up stories.

You said your WH works at a fire station? Then you do exposure there, specially if he has taken the van. You need to write a letter and send it soon. Follow the template

You need to expose the WH parents. Talk to them in person or by phone.

Also you need to expose to OW (other woman) frieds on FB and family as well. Is she married? Any kids?

And, finally you need not to confront your WH, he knows what he is doing, there is no point.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Don't confront him. He already knows he is having an affair. Let others do that.

You need to look up the exposure contacts using common sense or hire a PI to do so.

Why don't you have contact info for his friends? Do you have couple friends? You only need to worry about close people who can influence him. Can you get hold of his phone? Of course you should expose to his parents but you need to expose to your side, his side and OWs side in 24 hours. You are looking to blow up both their phones and cause shock and awe.

Go and copy her FB friends list into a word document straightaway. Sometimes mistresses get nervous and block you. How helpful of her to post proof on her page and get you lined up!

Change your FB pic to a nice couple/family shot. When you are ready to expose to everyone send this to her friends.

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for x years and he has been using his overnights at his fire fighting job as a cover up for their affair.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

The beauty of it is that he's been lying to her about making a firm break with you. He had to move out to appease her but he did it in a sneaky way so he wouldn't lose you either.

Exposure will cause a lot of trouble!

Obviously don't actually call her skankyhola. Out loud.

Does he have any other family members that you can expose to? Yes expose to his mother and father and follow the templates in the exposure thread. You ask them to do what they can to put pressure on their son to stop his affair.

When will you be exposing?

Also please get tested for STDs.

Is the OW married or has a BF?

US he taking care of you and the kids financially? He hasn't seen his children either?

Thanks for your replies so far. I'm just lost as how to handle everything. I'll try to answer all questions so far.

Im going to try to do the exposure soon but it terrifies me & I need to have a plan of attack. My parents are already aware I thought he might be having an affair but I haven't told them of my latest find. I think my situation is tough since I don't have a lot of contacts. And it's probably part of why our marriage has reached is point. Ever since we've been together we've focused on only each other & then our kids when they came. I don't have any close friends so I really have no one to talk with unfortunately. His closest friends moved far away & he hardly has any contact with them any more. He did have one good friend who he met through work & he still communicates with daily but he also moved out of state. His information I could probably get but that's probably it. He doesn't have any close family besides his mom whom he has hardly talked with since he left 3 months ago. His sister died a few years ago & the anniversary of her death is in a few weeks & that hits him hard every year so the timing of this is rough. And I have no access to his phone as he's staying 2 hours from us & hardly ever visits.

As for the fire station, he only volunteers there but has supposedly been staying there since he left. And I've never met any of his fellow firefighters as he always said the fire house was never a place for wives & kids. After we had our first son he hardly went to the station. He said he enjoyed being home with us. But I guess since our 2nd son was born he started going back more & more.

He has a full time job where he repairs equipment & has a work van that he drives for that. So that's the van he can only drive to & from home & jobs. And according to him his current "home" is the station. I hope that. Makes sense.

As for the OW, I only know what I've seen from her FB profile which isn't much as she has her profile very limited. So I can't even see her friends unfortunately. I think she may have kids as there is one pic of some in her page but no idea about a husband or Bf. I would guess not with my husbands pic on her profile.

As for financially supporting us, he hasn't done much unfortunately which has made it hard on me. I've always been the breadwinner so I mKe good money but his salary did help, especially with groceries. He did take care of two bills & he has been paying them. He said he would pay the water bill but when the time came I couldn't get a hold of him so I paid it myself. So it's been hard. And he has only been home 2-3 times since he left. And never more than a few hours.

On the pictures or posts that you can see on her wall...take screen shoots of any friends who made a comment or "liked" her pic/post so you get a few of her friends for exposure. You may also want to search online public records in her county (and neighboring ones) to see if you find any divorce or marriage records for her; divorce records would be with the county superior court.

As others have advised you should expose to what family members and close friends you have on both sides...as well as to the Fire Chief and City/County office that handles the volunteers.

Sorry you find yourself here. Welcome to MB.

Hi Tweety, first off, do NOT confront your husband in any way at this time. It's so tempting, we know, we all felt the same, but please do not. For right now and at least the near future, you're going to have to keep things to yourself ....do NOT try to "talk things over" or figure things out with your husband. He is not on your team right now.

GOOD for you for finding that the often-called number was the old GF.

Now...fast, before you read this note any further...please go back to her Facebook and copy down the names of ALL of her "friends". Just get the names now so that very soon you can comb through those names on FB to find her family and close friends for exposure targets. As black_raven stated, even if you cannot see her friends list, then go and look at EACH of her photos...people often comment on the photos and then you can get some friend's names that way.

Okay, now that you've got that done...

1) Do NOT tell him or insinuate how you are getting your info. You need to protect your intel so that later if you do work it out and he ends this A, you can still check up on him. Believe us please, you will NEED to check up so that you can feel better later. There are only so many sources to get our intel.

2) Do NOT tell him about Marriage Builders yet. There will be plenty of time for that later, after hopefully he has become transparent and honest with you and the two of you can begin to build a really great marriage together. Then we will all help him too.

3) DO update your own status on Facebook and change your pic to a lovely family photo.

4) DO draft up an exposure letter and if there are any questions about wording, come on here for help.

5) DO go onto county records, etc, to see if she is married, or if she has been married. If married, it is only fair that you let her husband know what she is up to so that he can know the truth about his life and his marriage. Who owns her house? You may get more info from tax records (if her husband or parents are the owners).

(((((((Tweety)))))))) Hugs. We know you are scared - most of us sent out those messages with shaking hands. You are making a courageous choice to do it in spite of fear. I promise you that Exposure will a) get you the support you need, b) give the affair no place to hide and c) let your husband know that adultery is a deal breaker and it stops NOW if he wants a homecoming to remain an option.

It will also very often create such amazing shame that the affair stops being fun either immediately or within a short period of time.

So Expose to (encouraging contacts to reach out to the adulterers) to:


I don't think it's a disadvantage that your circles are small at all. You are his entire world. Don't fear that you are about to send a message that you are done being played. She is a strong addiction, yes. But most assuredly a shameful, secret and temporary one.




As the breadwinner you are in an incredibly strong position. You are also at home at the kids - you represent both the financial and domestic sides of his life. I would guess OW meets one paltry need - probably admiration which will be hard to keep up when she is screeching about exposure.

As you are both the breadwinner and have the family home, I would imagine Plan B would be immensely hard on him and on the affair if Exposure and Plan A do not end it immediately.

Don't be fooled by his staying away and take it as indifference. He is enormously comforted by the idea he is keeping you in ignorance and is free to return at any time.

Make sure you read this thread on Exposure.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

You will also be curious about the way to expose to your son. Exposure to children is often the most rewarding because children are such clear-hearted and fair creatures. They get it better than adults.

On the first page of is advice on exposing to children. Dr Harley himself was four years old when he discovered affairs in his family.

I am only a week and half removed from having done my exposure plan and I was physically sick thinking what if doing this makes matter worse. As well as a range of other emotions ranging from the usual hurt, embarrassment, fear and anger. But the people on this MB gave me the kick I needed and I got it done. All I can say is it was the best move I ever did, everything ended within a day of exposure and my wife and I are now working on rebuilding.


Somethings you brought up about the fire station don't sit well with me. 1st of all I have been a volunteer FF for going on 32 years now and every volunteer fire company I am aware of is very family oriented. Many times you find brothers, fathers/sons, uncles and so on all involved. There are generally events where the wife and kids are encouraged to participate in. As well as be active in supporting the place because the member gives up a lot of time away from the family, so its a way to help members balance work, family and fire station duty by having the family come up there and be a part of the place.

Have you ever been to the fire station? Does it have living quarters?

Phoenix I thought that was fishy too. I wonder if the affair is longer than first thought or a secret second life he was covering up with this story.

Well I'm working on finding out information on the OW and I've found some information so far. I think I've found her mom, brother, and 2 daughters, all on FB. I also have a boat load of other names but I don't know if any of them would be important enough to affect her. So I'm still doing some digging but her name is very common so it's hard for me to know if the information I'm looking at is definitely hers. I thought I'd found a divorce record for her but now I'm questioning if that's actually hers. Her mom has a different last name but her brother and her 2 daughters have the same last name as her. So I'm a bit confused there. I'm going to keep digging though. I've found websites where you can pay for some information but right now I'm just not in the position to be able to pay them. So I'm trying to see what I can find for free for now.

Congrats, Phoenix on following through and I'm so glad to hear that it's worked for you. I'm just terrified and hopefully I can gather up enough courage to do it. I just know my husband and he's the type that once you push him, he'll push back even harder so I'm afraid of what he'll do or say. I really don't want my kids hurt any further than they already have been. And I don't want to fight with my husband either.

As for the fire station, it's not the stations stance on family. I know his fellow firefighters bring their wives and kids there on a regular basis. It's just my husbands opinion on the matter and why neither the kids or I have ever been. On top of it being 2 hours away from where we currently live. But as far as I know there is a bunk room at the station, which is where he's been sleeping (so he says).

That sounds like some really great digging. As for her friends, target married couples or anyone she appears to talk to. Great work finding the family.

tweety, you are the only sane spouse and parent that can give your marriage a shot at surviving. Your WH is GONE and playing you. Please protect yourself and your children. Your WH will NOT protect any of you while he is in his affair. If he has access to funds in a joint account, you should set up a sole account and move them. If you have direct deposit, you should reroute it to the new account. Since he has moved out, you should look at changing your locks too. You don't want him coming and going as he pleases or taking property while you are out.

All WSs get mad at exposure...ALL of them. Please don't let your fear of possible push back drive the bus here. Shield yourself and your kids as best you can. Your marriage can survive his anger, but it will never survive an ongoing affair.

Hang in there!!!

I will definitely talk with his mom. I actually talked with her last week about him and I know she�s worried. As for his friends, I would contact them if I could. I just don�t have any contact information for them. His one friend oldest friend doesn�t have FB but his wife does and she�s friends with my hubby too so I could get to her that way but I know she doesn�t get on much. And the other friend that he talks with constantly I think I have his phone number (I need to see if I can verify it�s his) so could I expose through text message? I don�t really want to call him but I guess I could if necessary. His mom actually asked if I had his number so she could call him and see if he would knock some sense into him. As for other family members the only other one I could possibly contact is his dad but they aren�t that close though his dad likes me so maybe he�d help if I asked. He also has a 11 year old nephew but I don�t feel right getting him involved, especially with the anniversary of his moms� death approaching.

As I said in my previous post, it was just his feelings on the subject and one I just accepted. And once our oldest son was born, he really stopped going and only went very infrequently so it didn�t seem to matter. It was only in the 9-12 months that he started going back on a regular basis. And that was one thing I argued with him about as he was away almost every weekend there for a while. This is when I think things started if they didn�t start after he left, which I think is possible but I�ll never know for sure unless he comes clean.

This one I�m not sure I feel comfortable doing. I definitely don�t want to cause him any trouble at work. His work is aware that he�s keeping his van at the fire station, though I don�t what exactly he told them about why. And since they know that he could get fired if he took it anywhere else. So I don�t think he used it in the affair. He used his truck for that.


Thanks, indiegirl, for all of your advice and support. It definitely means a lot and I�m going to try to take all this to heart and do what needs to be done. I just have to try to find the courage to do it.

Shield yourself and your kids as best you can but do not protect your WH from the consequences of his affair.

This is not rational. Your husband is already GONE. He has moved out and is paying very few bills, not sending you child support, and is not even in contact with you. How is he going to 'push back' or make more trouble for your kids?

You won't fight with him because YOU won't fight. He can fight with the wall if he wants, you are better than that.