My husband and I have been together almost 5 years, married for about one and a half. Throughout most of our relationship, I have been selfish, thinking of my happiness and putting myself first. We've had numerous discussions about it and each time I've promised to change. However I keep going back to it. I don't know if growing up an only child plays a key part in my behavior, but it's obviously not an asset to the relationship. Over the last week, we've had a few blow ups about my selfishness and my husband has said he's done. He's tired of being the one to hold the relationship together and is tired of my selfishness. He said he has nothing left to give to the relationship and has just given up. There's no soul left in him. He's depressed. Doesn't want to do anything. We went to a counselor earlier in the week, despite him not wanting to go and thinking it was a waste of time. I do want to change and better myself, for myself and my marriage. However I wonder if it is too late for us. He's said that he doesn't want to be happy anymore. I've told him I just want him to be happy, even if it's not with me and with someone else. He doesn't want to get divorced because he doesn't want another one so quickly. He was married 10 months and they divorced before he met me. He was in a few relationships between that marriage and meeting me. He doesn't want to work on the marriage, thinks I'm about 5% capable of changing, probably due to the fact I've said I would change before. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm working on changing myself, have an appointment with the counselor again next week by myself, and I'm trying to show him I care about him. He doesn't understand how someone says they love someone but treats them with so much hatred and lies to them to get their own way. I don't blame him for thinking I hate him. With the way I've treated him, it makes sense. I don't want to treat him this way anymore. He doesn't even want me to touch him because it brings up memories of the times when I wouldn't touch him after fighting. Our bed reminds him of the times after fighting that I wouldn't speak to him or lay close to him. He cries a lot or sits there silently, staring off into space. He's had thoughts of dying, saying it's the only option. He doesn't see any other way. I don't want him dead. I mentioned getting him help in a facility and he said he'd get out, he's good at escaping places or unlocking doors and knows about things like that. So even if I did get him treatment for depression somewhere, I worry he'll leave. I don't want him dead. I'd rather he be happy, even if I'm not in his life anymore. I'm just at a complete loss. I know change takes time. I can't change overnight. I can't gain his love and trust back overnight. I just don't want him to make a fatal choice while I'm trying. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

Hi kmb, welcome to Marriage Builders. I don't understand the problem. What do you do that upsets him? Please give SPECIFIC examples, because just saying "I have been selfish" does not convey the problem.

And if he is suicidal, I would get immediate help for him. That is a serious problem and you should be calling the suicide hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255

Change takes time? Really? Why? Do you have lots of time? From the sounds of it, you don't have any time so I wouldn't take your time, if I were you. I still don't understand what you are doing though because you did not tell us.

Please give me a LIST of his complaints. In honest, straightforward verbiage.

What do you mean by "I have been selfish, thinking of my happiness and putting myself first" ?
Have you had an affair?
Are you an alcoholic or druggie?
Do you spend all his money?
Do you want him to spend more time with you?

A lot of things can be called selfish (and some of them aren't bad), so we kinda need to know what it is you are doing that he doesn't like.

One example is that I do what I want to do. When I'm ready to leave somewhere, we leave. We went kayaking one time, and we were walking around through the woods. I was uncomfortable by some things in nature, like spiders and spider webs. I was complaining about them. We also tried having sex in a secluded spot out there, but I didn't seem enthusiastic about it or try to make it happen. That's something he's wanted to try. He asked if I was ready to leave, I said yes, and we left. Last weekend we went to a strip club and I got a lap dance. I was curious whether or not I had a sexual attraction to women and he wanted me to see what it was like. I asked if he wanted one and he said, "it's whether or not you want me to have one." He wouldn't say yes or no. He also said that watching doesn't really do anything for him. I have feelings of jealousy when other women show interest in my husband and he in them. I didn't want to see another woman dancing on my husband. After a little bit, I said I was ready to go and we left. He was so angry that I couldn't get over myself to say, "get a lapdance."

We also joined a fetish site and he's curious about having other women to have online relations with if I can't be on at the same time. There was no physical or real life interaction, purely online. I was uncomfortable with it the whole time, despite trying to get to know the women. He just wanted to explore. But I had to have my way and make him stop with them. He is also curious about polyamory, while I am a monogamous person. I realize these types of relationships work for some people, but I'm not interested. He wants the opportunity to explore it, in real life and/or online. A while ago, he said that since I wouldn't allow it in real life, he should be able to experience it online. Then after the blow up over the strip club, he said that he was going to do what he wanted and look for someone in real life. Whether he's done that yet or not, I don't know.

I've lied to him to make myself look good. In fact, I lied when we got home from the strip club. I first said I didn't know why he was upset, then said I did. He was furious about it. He sees me as a liar and manipulator and someone who will do anything to get my way and ensure my own happiness.

Just this morning, I knew he was in pain from moving heavy things yesterday and I asked if there was as any thing I could do to help his physical pain. He said, "nothing you'd want to do." I said I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to. He said I was just asking so that I could look like a good wife. Then he left the house.

So often, if I was uncomfortable doing something, I wouldn't do it and didn't want him to do it either. I would ask for his opinion, like on marriage venues, then put them down for various reasons and pick where I wanted to look. Or pick the details I wanted for the wedding. He thinks I just married him to be married, not because I wanted and loved him.

Prisca, the answer to all your questions is No, I have not.

Oh dear. It sounds like you have been allowing yourself to be bullied into an open marriage and made to feel selfish because you aren't giving in completely. Now he is threatening suicide. This is manipulative abuse.

Your husband does not care for you and has no intention of fidelity. Likewise, you face a lifetime of sexual aversion by allowing yourself to be pushed and bullied into such activities.

My honest advice is to divorce, this man has no respect for marriage or you.

Do you know why his first marriage ended so fast?

Did you know he wanted an open marriage before you married him?

He isn't serious about marriage and he isn't marriage material.

Do you want to stay married?

Kmb, dear, these things are NOT selfish on your part. Your husband is abusing you.

How long have you been married? Do you have any kids?

Have you told your family and friends about any of this?

A better way to describe the problem is that he is abusive and selfish and if you don't agree to meet his every sick desire, he punishes you. I am baffled why you would tolerate a husband who goes on fetish sites and goes to strip joints.

The question is why are you enabling him to be a sexual pervert?

His first marriage ended because of infidelity on her part. They also were married rather quickly after meeting. I didn't know he was curious about polyamory until a couple weeks ago. He'd never mentioned it to me, but mentioned it to the girlfriend he had before me. She wanted it for herself, but not for him.

We've had good times in our relationship. Maybe that was the infatuation stage, I don't know. I thought he loved me and that I was enough. He got on the fetish site a little over a year ago because we were no longer intimate, I wasn't communicating, and he was looking for a place to meet his emotional needs. I had no problem exploring my sexual side when we started getting good again and he told me he wanted me on too. I didn't know what I liked or wanted and the site did help me to find out and I made friends in the process. I am not interested in playful relationships there, only friendship. I don't have many close friends in real life and have made a few there that I'm comfortable talking to.

He hasn't been to strip clubs during our relationship, that was all before. This was the first time he'd been since we got together and my first time as well.

If he was like how he used to be, I want to stay married. But if I'm made to deal with things that make me uncomfortable or that I don't agree with, I do not.

There are no kids involved. I haven't told my family about anything.

First off, i would not tolerate his sexual fetishes. If he is watching porn and engaging in sexual pervert websites, I would insist he stop immediately. It is wrecking your marriage because it causes him to view you as a sexual object rather than a romantic interest. You are in essence competing with 18 year old porn stars which will cause him to never be content with you.

You are correct to not cooperate when he asks you to do things you don't like to do. BUT, you need to tell him to stop marriage wrecking practices, like porn, fetishes, etc.

Polyamory is just a cute name for ADULTERY.

Yep. Call it what it is.

Your husband is abusing you.

How long have you been married?

You've only been married 1.5 years with no children. He continues to abuse you with his sexual fetishes.

I'm sorry, but I would cut my loses unless he stops all abuse and puts extraordinary care for you and your marriage.

I agree with Melody and Brainhurts.

Insist he stop these fetishes immediately.
Tell your family what he is doing to you.
If he won't stop immediately, separate from him. Have you read about Plan B?

Stand up for yourself.

No I haven't read about Plan B. Where can I find info about it?

Ma'am, you have been Gaslit by your Husband to feel that your reasonable requests are selfish demands.

Protecting your marriage is Not selfish.

You need to get off of those fetish swinger sites yourself though. Is that the direction that your own moral compass feels it should be headed towards?

LTL

Here,
What are Plan A and Plan B?

How to Plan B Correctly