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Thank you. We have tried to do this. I think it is hard for both of us to wait until a good time. We have even written out statements to read on paper, but we tend to go off script.
I think the key is not saying anything back after the other person voices a complaint?
I like to hear why H did something, but he does not like to explain. Because I like to explain so he might understand my POV....he takes an explanation as a justification even if I am very sorry.
Thank you for the help.
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Please read this. There are posters who have had their spouse take a polygraph test and a radio clip. Polygraph Testing
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Waiting for his enthusiasm about a polygraph does not make sense. If he does have secrets to hide, such as his relationship with his ex, he is never going to be enthusiastic about it. And obviously you think he may have secrets or you wouldn't want one.
Just tell him you really need to close that chapter and start with a clean slate. I would too if I were starting to rebuild a marriage, which is hard to do if there are still secrets. You cannot create intimacy with big secrets behind the scenes.
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Explanation of a LB is usually a justification.
me, DH
all the children
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Explanation of a LB is usually a justification. and a request for a reason for a complaint is a DJ. A complaint is just a complaint. You do not apologise, you thank him for letting you know that xyz bothers him. That is the end of the conversation. We are brought up to believe that we should put up with things we don't like. That is wrong, not an MB marriage. Spouses should feel safe telling each other about things they do not like. Dr Harley used to throw his socks onto the floor. Putting up with things you do not like causes resentment and escalates as you have seen into a tennis match of bad behaviour that has no winners, only losers.
Last edited by living_well; 01/23/15 02:53 PM.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Thank you for the replies. I think I need to stop asking for an explanation. I also need to stop giving them.
Often, I feel better if I understand circumstances. For instance...if my H is cranky and says several LB, I would find it useful to know he had a bad day at work. Doesn't make it ok, but explains the situation. He's not mad at me, he's just directing anger at me. His apology is needed either way.
Is this sort of interaction not supposed to take place? I haven't gotten that from my reading yet.
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Thank you for the replies. I think I need to stop asking for an explanation. I also need to stop giving them.
Often, I feel better if I understand circumstances. For instance...if my H is cranky and says several LB, I would find it useful to know he had a bad day at work. Doesn't make it ok, but explains the situation. He's not mad at me, he's just directing anger at me. His apology is needed either way. Yes you can tell your DH that he seems cranky and ask him if there is a reason. That is not an LB if it is done respectfully. However, he is not allowed to direct anger at you and if he starts that, leave the room immediately without comment. Later tell him that it is a problem for you when he has an AO (you make a complaint). If there is ever another AO, come back here for anger management advice from Marcos and Prisca.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Ok. Thank you. I usually leave. I think that makes it worse.
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Thank you for the replies. I think I need to stop asking for an explanation. I also need to stop giving them.
Often, I feel better if I understand circumstances. For instance...if my H is cranky and says several LB, I would find it useful to know he had a bad day at work. Doesn't make it ok, but explains the situation. He's not mad at me, he's just directing anger at me. His apology is needed either way.
Is this sort of interaction not supposed to take place? I haven't gotten that from my reading yet. What would be useful if he STOPPED MAKING LOVEBUSTERS. When he behaves like that, you should not tolerate it. It isn't acceptable regardless of the reason. Because it doesn't matter WHY he does it, it still causes a loss of love.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok. Thank you. I usually leave. I think that makes it worse. No, you said yourself that you asked for an explanation. In another post you said that you responded to his complaint with one of your own. There are no reasons that excuse LBs. As Mel says, you should have zero tolerance of them, as should he. You can explain the reason for your departure later when all is calm. Your communications with one another have to be respectful at all times. If they cannot be respectful, leave.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Ok. Thank you. I usually leave. I think that makes it worse. If you aren't there, you can't fight and you won't be listening to his disrespectful behavior. So I don't see how that would make it worse.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think the key is not saying anything back after the other person voices a complaint? If you say anything at all, it should only be "Thank you for telling me."
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My husband had an emotional affair with his high school sweetheart when were were dating. It ended shortly after we became engaged. I never knew the details and it has bothered me our entire marriage. H would always become defensive a refuse to talk about it saying he was just friends. (OW was obviously not aware and told others she was marrying him). This was just a past issue until a few years ago I discovered he had contact with her on Facebook and linked in. H lied about contact and covered tracks. Can you please help me with how to get over this? He says he is sorry, but refuses to admit the emotional affair part. I think understanding his motives, even if he can't remember details, would be helpful. His answer to why is I don't know  Help is appreciated.
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I see that you have evidence of contact since you married. Has that ended? Has he had an emotional affair with her since you were married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ask the mods to merge your two threads. This is too confusing for us.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Merged threads, in the future please stick to one thread.
MBMod IrishGreen
MBIrishGreen@gmail.com
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I see that you have evidence of contact since you married. Has that ended? Has he had an emotional affair with her since you were married? In addition to these questions I see that when you first came here to MB you asked about getting over his past affair. Are you going to have him take a polygraph? Did you put spyware on his devices?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I see that you have evidence of contact since you married. Has that ended? Has he had an emotional affair with her since you were married? In addition to these questions I see that when you first came here to MB you asked about getting over his past affair. Are you going to have him take a polygraph? Did you put spyware on his devices? He only had brief Facebook contact in the recent past. It hurt me more that he lied and covered up something so stupid. I have spyware installed, and am not sure about the poly. I am considering contacting the OW for clarification. His past affair was this emotional affair I'm talking about now. I'm unsure whether it was physical before we were married. He doesn't remember details from 20 years ago. He also contacted a different ex under a hushmail account he created and hid. That was before spyware and those passwords cannot be recovered. He says she never emailed him back. We moved far away from OW. I don't think anything is going on now. How do I get over this? I really want to move on, but I feel like I don't have closure. Thank you for merging the threads.
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