My husband and I have been together for a total of 10 years, married for 4. We have a 2 year old daughter together. For the most part I have a great husband, hard working, loyal, honest... I know I don't have to worry about where he is because he is always either at work or at home or out with us as a family. But he does have a dark side. He is very disrespectful towards me. And I have no reason to deserve it. He grew up in a broken home.. no father figure, mother didn't try hard enough... chose men that were verbally and physically abusive towards her. So he saw all of this at a young age. I'm certainly not saying this is a valid excuse for his disrespect towards me, his wife. Because I have nothing to do with his past life, beyond 10 years ago. I'm just wondering if there is a special way I need to treat this situation or make it better? He has always been cocky, that was actually something I was attracted to in the beginning, and still a little cockiness is fine with me because it shows confidence but he has changed. He has gotten worse over time and went from cocky to plain selfish. For no reason, I haven't done anything to him to deserve to be treated like this. But he never hesitates to call me a [censored] if I don't understand something he is trying to tell me, a [censored] if I'm cranky, a [censored] if he's really in a bad mood about something, and he will do all of this in front of our 2 year old daughter. He hasn't ever hit me, but he has pushed me and grabbed my arms very forcefully before to make me go away. I do nag sometimes, just like any other woman. If something isn't going right or if I have an opinion to express, I express it. But I do it respectfully. I don't call names and cuss at him. - I have tried talking to him, on more than one occasion and sometimes he listens and says he will work on it, but other times he digs and digs and tries to find something to flip it around on me. Sometimes making something up. When he says he will work on it, he does for a few days and then he goes right back to the way he was. I am tired of being called names, tired of being cussed at and verbally treated like a dog. I don't want to give up on my husband but it has gotten to the point that his disrespect is making me less attracted to him. I don't want to be around him because he is so mean. I know we are going to argue because I will tell him he's being mean and he will get defensive. He can do no wrong. I'm not saying that I don't. I sometimes initiate arguments that are pointless and if I'm not feeling well I may lash out and hurt his feelings but this is rare, his disrespect towards me is everyday. And my daughter is starting to notice it. If I cry, and she sees me, she says "Dada made you cry?" She should not be seeing this. And I'm about fed up I feel like this is never going to change. What do I do?

Really? After that description of how he treats you, you have a great husband?

Welcome to MB

Yea.. I know. But I don't need sarcasm, thanks. I just need advice.

You are in an abusive marriage. Pushing you and holding you is abuse. Name calling in that manner is abuse. The fact that you excuse his behavior (bad home, I nag, he is a good man) are classic comments by an abused wife.

My advice is to separate and demand he gets help for his behavior. You probably don't think its abuse because you don't have a black eye, but that is where this is heading g.

I've been where you are, hopeful13. Please read this thread and tell me what you think:
What to do with an Angry Husband

does your husband think there is anything wrong with the way he treats you? Is he willing to change?

It isn't so much sarcasm as it is pointing out the inconsistency in your own words. It is common for an abused wife to say her husband is a great guy except for... It is not normal or excusable for a husband to be abusive.

This is very true. And it is helpful for you to hear these observations from outside objective observers. When people are enmeshed in emotional situations they don't tend to see things that others see.

I appreciate what you all are saying, and I do understand it. However, this isn't really helping me. I posted to this site so that I could get helpful advice on what to do in my situation. Not get criticism on the way I wrote my post. So let me rephrase - My husband is hard working and honest and a great father to our daughter, however.... And then read the rest of my post - Hope this clears it up for you. Thanks

However,.... He is abusive.

Did you read Prisca's posts?

Do you understand you are an abused wife?

Did you read my posts, hopeful? I've been in a similar situation, and I empathize.

Did you read the link I posted? Can you answer the questions I asked?

Yes... I read the posts... I've never had an affair as it was quoted in Prisca's response, but I have had very similar conversations with him before and he will get better for a few days and then right back to the way he was before. Yes, I understand that I am verbally abused, which is obviously why I posted what I did. With his past life growing up and the way he is now I was hoping I could get some advice on what to do, talking with him only helps for a few days and I REALLY want to save my marriage.

Which is what I'm trying to do.

My husband used to treat me exactly how your husband treats you. That has changed. Would you like to know how?

The point in that post is not the woman's affair. The point is how the woman is being treated by her husband, and how she raises the bar. Dr. Harley's article that I linked to doesn't have anything to do with affairs -- it's all about how the husband is treating the wife. The woman's affair is just part of their history. You can substitute "I burned your biscuits" in if you wanted, and it wouldn't change the point.

Then the next step is to tell him he cannot live with you if he is going to act that way.

Let us know how it goes, and if that doesn't work, we will tell you the next step.

You have to take the next step.

Take each step and then if it doesn't work post here and we will let you know what step you can take next. If you will work each of these steps, you will either save your marriage or you will know that nothing you did could have saved it.

Take each step - even if you have taken it before, give it one last try, and report the results here and find out what to do next.

Yes I did. Yes he admits he is treating me wrong, and he seems willing to change because he does for a few days and then he goes back to the same old disrespect.. Until I lash out about it again.. It's like a never-ending process. I just feel like there is a different way I need to approach this.

I would love to know how!!!

It is all perfectly clear.

You need to separate until he gets anger management training and demonstrates that he has his anger under control and is able to permanently end his abuse of you. Plan on a separation that will last at least one year.

Hi hopeful

I'm new to this forum too, so I don't feel I can offer you the advice these veterans can, but I relate to your circumstances. Unfortunately, I was 30 plus years into my marriage before realizing I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship. Like your H, mine was hard working, a good father and had some very good qualities. He was never physically abusive so I didn't recognize his behavior as abusive--that is until I found Marriage Builders and then it became so clear to me.

I found this site in desperation after learning of my husband's long term affair with a younger woman. In spite of his faults I completely believed in his fidelity to our marriage. That was one of those positive qualities I felt made up for his negative ones--how wrong I was, and how hurt and angry I was to have put up with all of that abuse for all of those years.

My H and I are now working on the recovery of our marriage. It took my leaving home for a bit to shock him and wake him up. He now says he wishes I would have done that sooner. We have a long ways to go, but things are already better due to Dr. H's advice, and the help of these posters. Please listen to them. They will help you every step of the way. It is your best shot at saving and improving your marriage. Please don't waste all of those years putting up with a bad marriage like I did...