Really need some help. Been together for nearly 20 years but marriage and family life has pulled us apart. 3 beautiful fun lovely happy children.

I want to leave but I am not sure I have the mental strength to go through with it. Tried to end things in late '14 but we concluded to keep talking. Still live together during weekends but away with work during the week. It's now getting on for 6 months since then and my feelings haven't changed. I use that sign because part of me had hoped they would to avoid all the heartache,

The main issues causing problems in the relationship are (as I see it - as I am very well aware that I have my own part to play in this situation).

1. Loss of interest in 'me'
2. Lack of financial planning
3. Complete absorption with the children
4. Loss of self confidence and worth - see 3.
5. No interest in sex (have been 6 months plus without and not just once)
6. Resentful of me having any outside interests
7. Spiteful and nasty about me in various different ways.

It's not looking good is it.

I'll be honest, I've looked around and I know there are a few interested parties but I'm trying not to do anything until I've put things in order with my marriage. I'm ready to move on but I'm also so very upset that I am even on here and writing this.

Its odd that the decision that I see as the root of the problems was when we decided she should be a stay at home mum and I should go out and work. As the family grew, the demands on my time soared. It seems for the modern man that its not enough to just 'work' anymore. He's got to be all hands - all the time.

I have started to writing down what happens on my phone as I tend to forget too easily and end up saying "Its not too bad really'.

One example of the behaviour I get is that recently she has said her father is a far better influence on the children's lives than I am. That they 'flourish' under his guidance. Now, if he had been an amazing father to her I'd kinda go along with this but the fact is he wasn't. It's only since retirement he has spent time and energy focussing it on the family.

I found this very offensive.

Let me put this into perspective. I've single handedly organised a holiday for her and her family (20+) which is in the next few weeks. Paying for not just our family but also for a sibling (a whole other post). I toying with not going even though my place is paid for.

Another example is that I wanted to see a friend. He is a fairly mutual friend but this friend and I share an interest in a sport that means we'll spend a morning doing this and then I return. I don't get to see this friend much anymore apart from around Christmas (he lives and works abroad). For the last 3 years we have made it a pact to try and see eachother over the christmas period when I know he will be back from abroad. Well, I managed to see him but only with a huge amount of protestation which involved the children contacting me by Text telling me not to go. There was nothing else planned for that day and I had to curtail the sport short so as to be able to return in time such that it didn't 'impact' on the rest of the day for the family. This is a basic problem I have with the relationship - I have NO space. Yes I realise I am often away a LOT with work but I phone daily, facetime often and interact with the children as much as I can. It brought things to a head for me when my friend said

"Its a shame that you have to leave so early, every year you have to do this and you know this is the only time we get to see eachother"

I feel like the 'me' doesn't really exist much anymore. I'm in a pretty [censored] place to be honest and feel very lonely as I don't have anyone I can really talk to.

She has been to the Dr about her monthly cycle which she felt was the corner stone of her sometimes nasty behaviour. She didn't bother mentioning her complete loss of interest in sex. She will often tell me that I am just too needy and that she doesn't 'do' needy. I have tried to curtail my 'needs' and tried to leave it at just 'trying' for some intimacy once a month and slotting in around her period. That didn't work. I'd just tell myself it'll be ok just try again the next month. I've tried flowers, spending time together. I've tried to book a short break for just the pair of us, to do something together, to get her to take up an interest outside the family that would perhaps give her some perspective but none of this really worked. I've held a knife to my arm with the pain of my feelings.

Trying to 'hold' it all together is taking a toll. I guess reading this all back, I need to be man enough to just do this and end the relationship. I'm not 'old' and we could both find someone else who can make us happy.

IT was interesting that on her visit to the Dr she picked up a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" which I decided to read from cover to cover (coming up to half way). I've found it really good - it puts quite a lot of stuff into context for me. I like the LoveBank idea and helping me to understand how women see love as well as men was really good. I kinda knew a lot of this stuff but at the same time it was good to read it in words and have a refresher. However I asked her if she had read the book she said she read the start, got bored then cherry picked pages that she felt were applicable to her.

Shame really because she's missed an awful lot of stuff that would help her to understand where she has gone wrong - not just me.

So - I guess I know what I need to do but if I'm honest I'm scared mainly for the future and or the children - could just do with some advice from the forum.

sS

Can you tell us more about the interested parties? Are these women who would care for you in the way you need?

You said you work a lot...were/are you also traveling for work?

Welcome to MB

So, you are only home on weekends, you want to spend those few days outside the family, you're shopping around other "options", and you are annoyed she wants you to be more involved with the family.

Your lifestyle and lack of care for her has led to this. NO woman would be happy with this. If she feels you don't care for her, she will not want sex. Women need CARE for sex.

She is completely withdrawn and out of love.

Unless you change your attitude about lifestyle and be home with your family, you're right, this will lead to divorce. So will any future marriage.

How hard this must be for your family to know that you still need " space" when you are hardly there to begin with. You teach your wife that she is last, and as a result, she does not love you.

Good question. Honest answer is I don't know. But then it makes me think am I being cared for now ?

Hello black_raven, I don't travel for work but because work is so far away I have ot travel there and then back again. To commute just wouldn't work. I work in the computer industry and it can sometimes mean long hours.

Hi alis and thanks for taking the time to comment. Its not totally as you put it. I'm talking about one time in a year to see a friend for a few hours, with plenty of notice. I was home for 2 weeks over the holidays and everyday I spent that with the family doing family stuff together. I am also a very hands on Dad which I don't give much emphasis to above.

On the flip side, It was ok for her to see her friends when I was home.

I haven't always worked away. I can sometimes be working from home or be home in the evenings after work. I guess the thing is that when I've done those options and put effort into the relationship its not changed. I've done being there in the evenings, I've done working at home. I honestly didn't see an improvement in our life together. If anything last summer when I was struggling to find work and found a short term job that would mean I was home at night I got told that because it wasn't local, if I took it, I could forget being married. (!).

As for not caring for her but I've done quite a bit I haven't posted above. First off I work , she doesn't and hasn't for over 10 years. I've tried to find things we can do together but they are often times rejected on grounds of finances or 'effort' required. My point is, even if I showed her huge amounts of care and affection I know the sex/intimacy side wouldn't change. She has said to me she simply has no desire, drive or want. I'd have thought that would be a pretty sad feeling - however if you knew your marriage was struggling because of it - wouldn't you want to address it?

Its an interesting thought about saying that I show her that she is last - but its obvious to me that thats what I am to her. I can go days without response to messages, phone calls and emails.

I dunno I can go on and on finding reasons to your questions in your post but thanks for the thoughts and ideas.

Who is the interested party and how far is your relationship with her?

This is insulting to every stay at home mom on here. Her "work" is to care for your children and family. Do you really value that so little as to suggest you are caring for her by being the hard worker while she *doesn't work and hasn't in 10 years*. She works every day, with no paycheck and clearly little appreciation.

If you have this attitude with her, I can see one reason why SHE would be unhappy in her marriage to YOU.

This is not to say that you cannot POJA another solution if you do not like the fact that she is a SAHM. But if you enthusiastically made the decision together for her to fill this role, you need to be more respectful of it.

PS If she goes back to work, you will pay a daycare or nanny to do what she is currently doing for free, and that is their JOB (but for her it isn't I guess, hrm).

You've assumed a lot in this post.

I help out a lot when I'm at home, cooking meals, shopping, washing clothes , cleaning the house, keeping the garden, bed time routine, children's home work, school runs - I can;t think of one thing she does that I don't do.

Also i know its a full on job and she is a brilliant mum.

Here's one thing I've always thought. If the tables were turned and she had to help me in my job - do you think she could or even would?

Two people - who have both made it clear they 'like' me. I keep it platonic as I'd rather tidy up my situation before heading into anything else. Part of me is ready for that - but I know I need to do this before I even start looking again.

Are they coworkers? If not who are they? How long have you known them and how often do you see them?

Hi Susie, one is a co-worker on my team who I work with daily, the other is from a place I used to work but we stayed in touch. I think I saw her like a month ago socially.

Are you developing feelings for this co-worker?

Are you willing to clean up your side of the street?

Your wife is at home while you aren't. You are exploring "options" with coworkers. You clearly don't think much of your wife or respect her, from the way you speak so condescendingly about her.

Any future "options" will tank and fail unless you radically change your approach to marriage.

No wife on this planet will enthusiastically enjoy sex or romance with a husband who thinks of her as you do. It is downright disrespectful. I'm sure she feels as much romance as a housekeeper who should be grateful for room and board.

Your call as to whether you are willing to make a change. That will involve a new job, at the very least.

You made a vow to your wife or your career which you seem to regard much higher than her?

You say I assume a lot by commenting on your disrespectful attitude, but then follow that with more disrespect toward your wife. You are not very convincing.

Did they just come up to and say "hey hot stuff, I am interested!"

If not, what kind of interaction are you having that would reach the level of intimacy where they are willing to state their feelings in this manner? Do you think this type of interaction is respectful to your wife, who is meanwhile at home caring for your babies? Would you be comfortable with your wife at home having this kind of interaction with another man while you are at work supporting your family?

Um, do you mean, divorce your wife who you made vows to, and leave your family? Not sure that falls into the category of 'tidy up a situation.'

Hi Melody - simple answer - nope!

Thats just it - I am not sure if I am. You see I'm taking some stick on this but I've probably not effectively explained just what I HAVE done. I read a bit more of His Needs/Her Needs last night and it brought home just how much stuff I've put up with over the last three years.


I think exploring options is a bit over the top. Being friendly with a co-worker is probably how I would put it. They make a line to talk to me over other colleagues in a very male dominated environment.



I don't really agree with that. This one has lasted as a relationship 20 years. I think that's pretty good. She has admitted to a lot of failings on her side. I just think I'm done. I want a happy relationship with someone who wants to be with me. See the chapter about Recreational Partner in the book I've been reading - that's been something she has never done and now I get why I find it so important. I never really 'got' that before.


See - that's disrespectful to me. You know - I think she is a brilliant mother, she does things with the children that I struggle with and in a way I find really hard. I can be very impatient at times and I need reminding they are little people who need more time than I sometimes give them. Also that they need fun and I can struggle with that and she has shown me that. She is way more creative than I am. Imagine reading the book and thinking - done that, tried that, thought about doing that. Imagine trying for 3 years to try and come up with new ways, behavior to your marriage and being patient, trying to find things you can do together as a couple and being rejected not just on the ideas but also with intimacy as well.



Now 'that' is a good call. My work doesn't always keep me away but the last year or so it has kept me away. The main factor is the work I could land in the area where I live does not command the money we would need. I also get offered very lucrative work elsewhere but it sometimes means I need to be away. I have also had some stuff happen to my career that has limited it (this was out of my control and is a technological reason rather than I was nortee at work!). That has meant there has not been much work for my skill set and I have had to travel further for work.


I know. That weigh's heavily on me. She also made a vow to me and I feel I've been let down in a lot of areas.