UA time needs to fill one or all of the 4 intimate EN's. One of those EN's is recreational companionship. So 'activities' do count towards UA. But they do have to be activities that you spend time together doing. Meaning, if you go to work at a homeless shelter and you work in the kitchen and H works in the laundry room, that wouldn't count.

Oh, yes I've sent all of this to Dr. Harley.. This week's UA time

Later today: Walking at a local park and playing games ( 2 hours)

Thursday: Driving to a neighboring town, lunch, counseling for him then I'm not sure. The kids will be gone to a conference when we return so it could continue at home with SF.. If he is in the mood..... So we will have 6 to 8 hours here.

This weekend the kids are gone for the entire weekend for this conference. So we have free reign.. Maybe you can help me brainstorm. Last Friday my husband was so completely wiped out that he could barely stand. But we'll see. But we could do something Saturday.. Church will be Sunday. We have the entire weekend alone.

But if we work together even if it is with other couples, then it counts????? If so, we can definitely count those hours.

If you have to drive 3 hrs to an area with more options, consider making it an overnight trip. When H needs to rest, you guys can go back to the hotel room.

And yeppers @ unwritten about outside the box.

No, working with other couples doesn't count.

Markos and I take a spanish class together. The spanish class itself doesn't count, BUT all the time we spend practicing our spanish together DOES count. We enjoy it, and we're alone.

Nobody here is going to be able to choose your UA activities for you. What thrills us won't necessarily thrill you. You and your husband are going to have to come up with those ideas on your own.

Can't do it this weekend because I have a few responsibilities throughout the conference..nothing big.

We could do that every once in awhile. But we would have to find something to do with my 13yo old.. Right now I don't feel so bad leaving them alone all the hours because my son is there with her, but as of this summer it will just be her. She hates staying by herself.. And a girl all alone out in the country, I just don't know... We'll have to figure that out.

But that doesn't help with the fact that I am bored silly with or without him.. I miss having girlfriends and couple friends. We'll keep brainstorming but some of it is hubby's outlook right now... He just isn't much of a conversationalist and he is too tired for sex.

You are going to find it awkward at first being alone together. Like a first date with no curiosity.

However there may be some things to do with others that will power your conversations alone. Just commit to doing the UA time and getting over the hump.

So sorry that your DH is feeling this way.

Your garden is great UA time. My parents have their best times together planning their beautiful London garden. Get out a pencil and lots of white paper. Reference books at your elbow. Sit at the kitchen table with plenty of POJA back and forth about what to grow and where.

Then POJA employing casual labour to do the work. I recently persuaded my father to take on a horticultural student. He has the muscles and my father has the knowledge in addition to the person that does the digging and heavy work.

I'm not sure what we need to POJA. We normally plant green beans, green peppers, squash, zucchini, corn, jalepenos, poblanos, tomatoes of various kinds, potatoes, okra, zipper and purple hull peas. .

I don't mind the planting, but what I do mind is all of the canning, freezing an blanching. Last summer we agreed that we would only do the tomatoes and peppers so that I only had to do the hot sauce. Oh, that said we have fruit trees as well. So I normally have to make blackberry jam, pear jam ( as well as can tons and tons of pears) fig jam,etc. It has been hard for a city girl like me to get used to. To be honest, I still do not really enjoy doing it. It takes up my entire summer. However, I do enjoy being able to take out veggies now. I love our hot sauce. I haven't bought jam in a store in over a decade.

But it does take most a lot of time to do all that.. As a city girl, I've never gotten used to it.

Why do it then?!!!

Rip em out and put ornamentals in.

Totally agree, never do anything that you do not want to do. Grow enough veggies to eat during the summer and grow beautiful flowers in the rest of the space. My parents' garden is a paradise. Planning and designing that will give you more UA time than you will know what to do with.

Smile, you do not understand. We already have a giant front bed. Two round beds that are in a middle island. Two flower beds up at the entrance and a backyard bed. The last thing I need is another flower garden.... Especially since I don't like gardening. I tried. I joined a garden club when we moved here 20 years ago. I quit after a couple of years. I was finally honest last year and told hubby that I really don't like working outdoors. So he and the kids do most of that. I go out and help with big stuff like painting the fence or if when he was wiring the fence. I liked it mainly for the conversation during that time.. But I despise digging in the dirt.

I would like to be in a community theater or something like that or to see concerts and Broadway shows or something. However, concerts are out with his sensitivity to loud music now.

Hubby has plans to build a bike path on our 50 acres, a camping pad, a bridge over the creek, etc.

No maintenance planting, or a wildflower meadow would be ace.

Why not have a meet up with his doc 're his energy levels and suitable activities. He may suggest Pilates or something.

We have a wildflower meadow. Because of his stroke this fall, though, he didn't seed it. So we'll see if we have any that come up just from previous years...

And what doc would that be? The neurologist who has been no help at all since hubby is one of them and perfectly fine..

GRRR...sorry. I'm just frustrated. I'm hoping the counselor will be able to help him later this week. To be honest, I think some of this is psychological and exacerbating his symptoms.

Our time was more like an hour and half because he had to go back to the office for a meeting.. So I got to hear about how he dreads the meeting, how he can't believe our insurance just went up another 20 percent we need to go research some other... we need to pay this hospital bill, will he be able to make overhead.... Other than that we sat in silence and held hands..

You are just debating the posters who are offering suggestions. We cannot come up with the perfect UA time for you because as you point out, we clearly don't know your exact situation.

YOU are the one who needs to find something, and because you have limitations (and most people do, just different ones whether small children, finances, etc.) then you need to *think outside the box* which you are not showing a willingness to do. Even when people offer suggestions, you are not thinking 'how could that work for us' you are just shooting them down as 'that will not work!'

This isn't about skydiving or gardening. It is about you being more positive and brainstorming some ideas here that will work for you.

Is he doing things during your UA time that are LB's to you?

I know an LB for me is when my H is very negative or complaining, especially about his health issues. Of course UA time is not fun when your conversation revolves around negative attitudes and topics.

Spot on, unwritten. You would be wise to listen, hopefulwife.

Are you still enthusiastic about living in the country? It sounds like you are a city girl and you have given the country a 20-year try...

20 years is a long time to spend doing things you are willing to try but are unenthusiastic about...forgive me if I'm off base...

Despite the romantic ideals of country life, city-dwellers are consistently happier and report higher life-satisfaction...

I have no ability to be positive anymore. I feel like I am sleepwalking through life. I have 4 beautiful children. They are good kids. I say I love them. I hug them. I provide for them. But I wish for the days that I didn't have any kids..

I've spent my entire life doing what everyone else wants, what is good for everyone. I took care of my father for several years until he died. I've taken care of my children. I've taken care of my grandmother until she died last year. I've taken care of my husband as he battled burnout and now this serious illness. I'm very, very tired. So what do I like? What sounds fun? Nothing..

AS I wrote Dr. Harley I feel like I am in a river, rushing downstream and so is my husband. I hold him up for awhile then I lose strength and have a crying meltdown, then he tries to hold me up for awhile. I just want out of the river because I have no strength anymore..