Do you have depression? Have you been on anti-d's? Your posts sound a lot more like depression than being bummed over a lack of UA ideas. I've noticed this as a consistent theme in your threads.

I tried them this past fall and it made me gain 30 pounds in 2 1/2 months and I couldn't O... Not worth it.. Besides, according to Dr. Harley the reason I am depressed is my husband so it won't do any good anyway. Of course he is depressed and he can't help me... It is just life.

That comes through your postings so clearly. You need to work on finding joy, your joy. This is urgent. No good waiting until you are 85 to start, you need to do this now.

Take control of your life.

When things were bleak for me I made a list of things that would bring me happiness. There were three things on that list and I did them all. I am so glad I did. It was not just important for me, it was a roadmap for my almost adult children.

Perhaps something other than what you tried would work better for you. Sometimes you have to play around with the med and dosage to find the right combination for you. You should talk to your Dr. about that.

An AD cannot fix your marriage of course, but it can give you a positive boost of energy so that you can reinvest in the work again. Get you out of the river and onto the bank at least.

"Life" doesn't just happen to us after all, we are participants with choices.

And this is why Dr Harley advocates against sacrificing. You have spent a life taking care of others at the expense of yourself. I have been a sacrificer too, and it took me some time to realize that I was not a victim in that. I willingly played that role.

Minor point - I thought you had 3 children.

HW, we have been discussing this issue with you since you first registered in 2012. None of your threads is about anything else. Posters here have spent hours trying to be helpful to you, but as far as I can see, you have never taken onboard the suggestions that it is your entire lifestyle that needs to change.

Someone earlier in the thread talked about your being a city person unfulfilled in a rural lifestyle, and I think that is a key suggestion. I made that suggestion to you several months ago, and you never acknowledged what I said.

Now you and your H have had what sounds to me like a life-changing health event, and one that requires and encourages you to make fundamental changes to your lifestyle. How on earth can you continue with the life you had when your H's health event is limiting you both so much? His stroke is a wake-up call for you to change your lives. Will you heed it, and heed what many of us have been saying to you al along?

As I understand it, your choice to live where you do is largely responsible for your decision to homeschool your daughter, which as I also understand, you are screamingly bored doing. Your H's work as a hospital surgeon has had a detrimental effect all along on his happiness with you when he is at home or on a date, and your joint church activities have also affected your time alone together. And now that your H has had a stroke, he has cut back, but he also has kept on working for fewer hours in the same hospital-based occupation that drains him so much.

It's blindingly obvious to me that you need to change those things now. You need to move to a livelier area, and stop doing things on the farm that you hate. If you moved, you might feel differently about homeschooling. Your H needs to give up that job. Dr Harley talks endlessly about the need for the job to compliment the marriage, and for church activities to do the same.

You need a profound change of lifestyle, starting with a move of location and a new, much lower-key job - or no job - for your H...and I'm sure you'll now tell me why that isn't possible.

I have no courage to ever bring this up. I am hiding from my children. I have no energy to do any of this.. I haven't even gotten dressed today. I'm just done.. So you are right, it isn't possibly because I cannot... I would take myself off the planet before I could ever have the conversation where people would be disappointed and upset with me. I cannot do it. I just cannot. I cannot hurt anyone.. I'm off to bed.

People who have the same problems year after year are not serious about FIXING the problem. I came to this conclusion years ago about you, hopefulwife47. People who are serious about change.......make changes.

What did you need from us?

Hopefulwife: have you pretended to be ENTHUSISTIC about all these lifestyle choices or have you been reluctantly agreeing? Does your husband think you are enthusiastic or does he know you are doing it to make him happy?

I do hope that, by re-reading your own words, you can acknowledge how deeply depressed you are, and that you will seek help for this, urgently. You should not be living like this, hw.

Can you explain to me why anybody in your family would be disappointed and upset if you told them that you did not like your current lifestyle, and suggested that you brainstorm ways to change it and find happiness?

Do people in your family want you to be unhappy?

If they knew that you were unhappy and depressed, would they care?

Would they be willing to work with you to change things?

Would they be horrified to know that you've been keeping this in, or would they be indifferent?

Why are you hiding from your children? What would they do if they found out whatever it is you are hiding from them?

You are about to have a breakdown - or indeed, you have been having one already, slowly. You need to tell your husband and your doctor about this before you break down completely.

Reading this I get the impression that you feel at least a little bit virtous about your behavior? Do you think other people who go after what they want are selfish or "bad"?

It sounds like you live a life of sacrifice, by choice, and then resent others for your decision to do so.

There are options of living in more urban areas, public schools, nursing homes, etc. But it seems you always take on these roles.

Do you consider, perhaps, that you seem to live the role of self-appounted victim?

I've read your posts here for a long time and I'm not sure you have ever *not* spoken about yourself as a passive victim.

This is quite an ironic statement.

You are depressed, negative, find no joy in life, hide from your children....yet you CANNOT *hurt* anyone. Obviously, you are hurting yourself. But do you not think that this state of mind and lifestyle you are actively participating in is hurting others???

How can a wife who is in this state of mind not be hurting her husband? How can a mother who is hiding from her children not be hurting her children? How exactly are you, in this broken state of mind that you seemingly want to perpetuate, not be hurting everyone else around you?

You are absolutely right. I am doing them no good at all and I am hurting them. Melody is right. I need to have the courage to take action. I know what I need to do so I will quit hurting them. Thank you for helping me see this... Because you are right. I am ruining all of their lives... They deserve so much better.

OK now you are starting to scare me here hopeful. PLEASE go see your Dr and discuss some more options for your depression.

You are not ruining anyone's life, you just need to understand that you being healthy will benefit everyone around you.

While the Marriage Builder's website cannot become involved in threats of this kind, please know that your pain is taken seriously. Please contact a suicide crisis center in your area, call 1-800-SUICIDE or call your family physician.

This is why we mustn't sacrifice in marriage. This thread, and your others, show exactly why we must not. We sacrifice and stuff our unhappiness, to make others happy despite the fact that we feel miserable, and over the years our unhappiness grows until it is too big to cope with.

Here's your question.
Radio Clip of hopefulwife47's question