So at the moment we are both in limbo - neither of us is totally sure we want to carry on. She's been very hard to live with, unreasonable, obstinate, vindictive, abusive, obnoxious.

I've gone into recluse mode. I think life apart would be better. I'd like our children to see us in loving relationships, they haven't seen that for a LONG time and I have concerns about the effect that is having on them.

Imagine trying, really trying to make changes to a relationship, an environment on top of domestic, career and parental pressures then doing that for 3 years and thinking "It'll get better". Thats where I got to. Then late last year I broke.

Did I mention that for 2 of the last 3 years she has forgotten our wedding anniversary? "Oh Sorry". I got her favourite flowers, box of chocs in the morning so that the children could have some a card followed up with a meal at a favourite posh restaurant with child care sorted out etx.

I don't think I have said - but I have NO one to talk to about this. And I'm really quite upset about how I feel.

You think she is a good mother?

But you talk about her as if she was lower than dirt on a shoe.

Of all the things you say you have done, have you permanently changed the lifestyle of being away from home all week? No.

If we can sense how you seem to think you are a great catch who who is stuck married to trash (insert all the terrible words you used), do you think she knows too?

If you don't see a problem with your behavior, then by all means, get a divorce.

SS, alis is correct. Your marriage is not a success. It has failed. You are seeking an exit and neither you or your wife are happy. The problem is not your wife, per se, but that you both have inadvertently neglected and abused your marriage.

When you live in a house and never make any repairs, the house eventually crumbles. That is all that has happened here. You don't have the skills or the willingness to fix the crumbling house, so you want to move out and rent a brand new house. But, that house will fall apart too because you don't make repairs.

Romantic marriages don't happen by magic fairy dust or "chemistry" or cosmic "soul mates," they happen by design. I would say hard work, but that is not even true. A great marriage is easy; a bad marriage is hard work.

You can agree or disagree if you want, but it is the truth. And I would point out that you don't know how to have a great marriage. We do, and are trying to help you.

One of the most glaring problems in your marriage is your traveling job. You can't sustain a marriage when you are not there every day. You will not be able to sustain any future relationships this way either. So, all you are planning on doing is taking these same poor practices into a new relationship.

We can help you turn your marriage into a romantic relationship if you are willing to do the work.

But you need a plan. Hope is not a plan. "Really trying" when you have no idea how to fix the problem is a wasted effort. You have no earthly idea how to save a marriage. When everything else comes before your marriage, it is doomed to failure. Anything that comes before your marriage is destined to come between you. That is what has happened here.

Do you want us to give you a plan that actually WORKS? Or do you want to continue being a renter and move onto a fresh rental that will also fall apart?

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Why is this surprising to you? She has fallen out of love just as you have. You aren't part of her life anymore because you are gone more than you are there.

You are a hard task master alis.

I need to review how I have written about her and try and see how it is as if she is dirt on a shoe.

Could be a wake up call.

I really don't think she is trash. I am really surprised that my posts have painted her as such. I'm angry I guess.

Only recently have I been working away and staying away. I tried to return mid week for a while but it just left me wasted and not able to do my job properly.

Why is it that if she fell out of love it took ME to do something about it. For ME to realise it and try and do something for 3 years and yet its still not enough.

I haven't ALWAYS worked away from home. For long time just over a year ago now I worked AT home for 6 months and then locally for another 6 months. Life didn't really improve - even though I tried to help out more - be surprising with flowers from time to time and try to organise things for us to do together.

I like the book - it says put aside 15 hours to talk to each other. I try to call and message her and often I can go 24hrs + without a reply or hearing from her. Trying to get time where we will spend time together results in her telling me that she is too tired or that she is basically not interested.

I guess what I am saying is that with nearly 12 months of working from home and with little/no improvements - do you think I am keen to put myself through yet more?

I haven't said this but she has said to me that she feels no sexual drive or emotions. I've asked her if she would consider talking to the Dr about it but she isn't interested. I'm not harping on that I want sex and I can't exist without it etx etx but I'd love to try and create an environment where it might happen. When told stuff like that you are going to wonder if its worth continuing to try.

I'm not old, I've always maintained from the start of the relationship that I enjoy that intimacy. So its not like its something new.

Look I really appreciate all the responses - even the harsh ones. Its a wake up call - just like the book has. It and they are making me think in new ways and I like that because without anyone to discuss this with you just go round in circles and it gets unpleasant - quick.

I like this.

I guess I need to think carefully through the above. I know the three examples are analogies/metaphors but the last one rings a bit loud.

We are currently having the house completely remodeled at a big cost. It is closing in on finishing and I've held of dong anything until I know it is completed. I'm not great with DIY but I DO try even though I get little in the way of praise - most often compared to her Father who is WAY better - apparently.

If I plan to do this - and it doesn't work and I still face rejection on most levels - what then? Do I just say - you know what - I tried and move on and put Plan B into action?

You can't sustain a marriage over the phone. You can't call it in. Can you sustain a JOB by sending in some occasional text messages and calling in? Of course not.

She doesn't want to spend time with you because she is checked out. She is not interested. Your marriage is a horrible place for her too.

So what you need to do is sell her on doing this program and get a job where you are never away over night. If you can get her on board [and it is in her best interest to have a romantic passionate marriage] we can save your marriage.


Just working from home is not magic fairy dust. You have to do many other things.

The plan will work if you do it. It will not work if you can't sell her on it. But more importantly, you can't sustain a marriage by calling it in.

Seriously and I know I am being obtuse but I HAVE done lots of work just like that!! Emails, phone calls and Skype/factime. But I agree a married relationship can't work like that.


Yup - that is totally true.


Ok. Financially it might ruin us if I did this over night. But what if I agreed that at the end of the work I ensured any future work meant I was home and was as local as possible?


Yup that's not lost on me.

I believe you have said you read His Needs Her Needs. You should also get a copy of Lovebusters.

I see you committing a lot of love busters, even writing on these posts. You keep arguing about how you have been good to her and have been trying, and maybe that is the case. However, if you buy flowers but hand them to her with a disrespectful judgement, it is like putting water in a bucket with a hole in the bottom. It is not going to do you any good.

Good call - he does talk about LoveBusters in the current book which I guess I need to take more careful thought over.

Here is a proper LoveBuster for me - apologising. When I am wrong I will apologise and I WILL acknowledge that I have been wrong. (I get told that I don't mean it - however much I try).

If she is wrong - NEVER. Once she had been VERY spiteful and I pointed out how nasty she had been. I asked if she would apologise. I didn't get an apology and just had to suck it up.

So you demanded an apology. And you think you are so much better than her since you apologize.

You really need to get Lovebusters.

The whole quest for determining who is right and wrong is inherently disrespectful on your part. You are depicting your perspective as superior and right. That's a value judgment you are making. You'll have to eliminate sentences like that from your conversation if you want to be happily married.

Why would she apologize if she believes she is right?

The big problem I see is that you can't accommodate her believing she is right - you need her to humble herself and admit she is wrong. That means you are completely dismissing her perspective - pure disrespect.

True relationship reconciliation usually doesn't involve one person acknowledging the other is right and they were wrong. Instead it usually involves two people learning how to value each other's perspectives and move forward in a positive direction that they are both enthusiastic about.

Hi Markos, thanks for your input. Its interesting because as a typical bloke I cannot remember what that particular argument was about. I DO however remember thinking that it was very wrong, totally disrespectful towards me and I have NEVER asked for an apology before then. She then refused just to add insult.

If I'm pushed it may have been related to the time I took off work to look after my dying father.

As for working out who is wrong or right - she usually kicks that off not me. Usually it'll start with "And you are always right - aren't you huh?"

It is wrong for her to disrespect you by saying that. But you have to see, from this thread alone, that is how your comments are perceived. You need the Lovebusters work. No matter what kind gestures you do, lovebusters will defeat them.

How fast can you be in a position where you are home every night?