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"You need to love yourself in order to love your spouse"
There is a sort of relationship between that phrase and His Needs Her Needs.
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"You need to love yourself in order to love your spouse"
There is a sort of relationship between that phrase and His Needs Her Needs. I suppose I could twist that statement into saying you have to satisfy your giver as well as your taker in order to protect your love for the other person. You might call that loving yourself. They must do the same. What relation were you trying to make?
Last edited by FightTheFight; 01/29/15 11:12 AM.
Me (42)
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You might also say that you must find ways to meets each others needs in a way that you can be happy doing so and doesn't involve sacrifice. I suppose that could be loving ones self as well.
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It is about sacrifice I am talking.
If you love yourself, you will ensure your needs are met and not just meeting your spouse's needs. When your needs are met, you'll have more energy to meet your spouse's needs.
I got my first day full affection need met yesterday. I have been down the floor or with a stab in my chest for a year... and by loving me, I took actions for me and my needs, got my energy back and now have x100 more energy to meet my H's needs.
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"You need to love yourself in order to love your spouse"
There is a sort of relationship between that phrase and His Needs Her Needs. Not really. Isn't that a form of narcissism?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you love yourself, you will ensure your needs are met and not just meeting your spouse's needs. When your needs are met, you'll have more energy to meet your spouse's needs. See, I don't love myself. But I am intelligent enough to realize that I want to be happy and the way to happiness is to have a happy marriage. And the way I have a happy marriage is to ensure that my spouse meets my needs and I meet his. Dr Harley addressed this issue on the private forum: I have not found that loving oneself solves anything. Instead, it tends to make people egocentric which in turn leads to insensitivity and thoughtlessness. Humility is a great virtue, as Jesus Christ mentions on many occasions. Your problem does not have much to do with your background, either. It's almost entirely due to the fact that your husband did just about the most painful thing he could have done to you, and it will take you a while to recover. He rocked you to your very core. That people can recover at all from infidelity seems like a miracle to me, but because I've now seen it so often, and know how it can be done, I realize now that we have greater resilience than I had ever expected. I'm happy to hear that you have had a good week. Now remember, don't bring up the affair again. As for when you will start feeling more confident about your marriage, I would expect that to happen in fits and starts. Gradually you will on average feel better, but occasionally the fear you've been experiencing can come back. But it happens less often and with less intensity. Best wishes, Willard F. Harley, Jr. here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"You need to love yourself in order to love your spouse"
There is a sort of relationship between that phrase and His Needs Her Needs. Not really. Isn't that a form of narcissism? I disagree with narcissim. You can't love your spouse if you don't love yourself. Unconditional love is one of trying to love another without loving yourself, and read around there somewhere... There is no such thing as unconditional love. It will eventually drain you. But I'll rephrase it though, so it sounds better.... "You must also love yourself in order to better love your spouse"
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If you love yourself, you will ensure your needs are met and not just meeting your spouse's needs. When your needs are met, you'll have more energy to meet your spouse's needs. See, I don't love myself. But I am intelligent enough to realize that I want to be happy and the way to happiness is to have a happy marriage. And the way I have a happy marriage is to ensure that my spouse meets my needs and I meet his. Dr Harley addressed this issue on the private forum: I have not found that loving oneself solves anything. Instead, it tends to make people egocentric which in turn leads to insensitivity and thoughtlessness. Humility is a great virtue, as Jesus Christ mentions on many occasions. Your problem does not have much to do with your background, either. It's almost entirely due to the fact that your husband did just about the most painful thing he could have done to you, and it will take you a while to recover. He rocked you to your very core. That people can recover at all from infidelity seems like a miracle to me, but because I've now seen it so often, and know how it can be done, I realize now that we have greater resilience than I had ever expected. I'm happy to hear that you have had a good week. Now remember, don't bring up the affair again. As for when you will start feeling more confident about your marriage, I would expect that to happen in fits and starts. Gradually you will on average feel better, but occasionally the fear you've been experiencing can come back. But it happens less often and with less intensity. Best wishes, Willard F. Harley, Jr. hereOkay, Melody, I see your point. That is also a way to say it. Though, I did not write it in a narcissism point of way. I wrote it in a way... don't think your needs don't matter, they do. It is not really my phrase anyways, I read it somewhere from another site, and posted it... because I felt happy today, not just about H but about me.
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SadSoul, I think the concept you are trying to get at is the Giver and the Taker. But this is not what people usually mean when they talk about loving themselves.
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[
I disagree with narcissim. You can't love your spouse if you don't love yourself. I don't love myself and Dr Harley doesn't love himself. We both love our spouses. I am just pointing out that "loving self" is really the definition of narcissism. Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes. The term originated from the Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
I disagree with narcissim. You can't love your spouse if you don't love yourself. I don't love myself and Dr Harley doesn't love himself. We both love our spouses. I am just pointing out that "loving self" is really the definition of narcissism. Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes. The term originated from the Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Wrong words then... I was talking about love yourself referring to caring about yourself as in caring about your needs being met.
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I sort of see what you mean but I would call it valuing yourself, not loving yourself.
Valuing yourself enough to refuse miserable sacrifices and neglect or abuse.
This also means valuing marriage though. Insisting that it is an actively caring situation not just going through the motions.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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[
I disagree with narcissim. You can't love your spouse if you don't love yourself. I don't love myself and Dr Harley doesn't love himself. We both love our spouses. I am just pointing out that "loving self" is really the definition of narcissism. Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes. The term originated from the Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Wrong words then... I was talking about love yourself referring to caring about yourself as in caring about your needs being met. Yes Dr Harley wants you to have an expectation to have your needs met ?? That's clear from his writings and it's also in the message people have been posting to you. I would focus on reading and learning the program as much as possible vs trying to "teach" your own spin on it. Just my 2 cents.
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