Where to begin.... My wife of 6 years together for 10 have had an amazing 9 years of marriage, or so I thought... About a month ago she asked for speration after a few months of difficult times, there was no affairs, abuse or even argueing... We went through a bit of a rough patch with me feeling insecure about a guy she was talking to at her office for marriage advice.. I was shocked and upset that she didn't talk to me... At that point i tried to pour my love to her and it pushed her further away... We were going to marriage counseling for a few months and unfortunatly they sucked.. about a month ago after seperation we started a new one and we both like him.. but my wife is shutdown, at this point not willing to try. She wants to focus on herself and our kids, doesn't feel she has room to focus on me at all. Im devistated and not sure what to do anymore. I love her dearly, she is my world and I want to make this work. In therapy a few items have come out as recently as last night. She disclosed that while pregnant with our first child she started to feel our passion disappear... She said I would have sex with her and it made her feel unattractive, she is partially right and i explained to her that was farthest from my thoughts... I think she is stunning, most beautiful person on this planet and Im not even sure how a guy like me was lucky enough to be with her. It was our first pregnancy and i foolishly was affraid to do harm to our baby. We did have sex, i guess not as regularly as she wanted then. That was 3 years ago, and since then she felt i wasn't satisfying her, that sex was all about me. When she finally expressed this to me 6 to 8 months ago I made it my business to focus on her, try new things, cuddle more etc. It appears though for her it was to late? The attitude of you didn't do this for years and now you want to? Her and I both can improve on communication, and im willing to do anything to make her happy. The problem today is she is shutdown and i wish i could break down the wall to atleast have the chance. I just dont know how. Its at the point where she doesn't even want me to see her naked, she will close a door to get dressed or put a towel on before getting out of the shower. We have slept our here or there to seperate a bit, but have mostly been in the house together taking turns sleeping in another room. I miss her terribly, i want my wife back and will do anything.. I just dont know how to get her out oof withdrawal. Please help!

Sorry ESL, but she is having an affair, probably with the coworker.

Any woman who felt a loss of love, no affair, would be pleading with her husband to fix the family. If you read this forum, you will see this as an obvious trait of a non-wayward wife.

Her complaints about long past means she is comparing you to the high of an affair.

You should have this moved to SAA forum.

I appreciate the response, but i can tell you with certainty there is no affair. We have for the most part been together, and just looking back since my daughters birth three years ago, the route of this is we both focused on our kids, my son was born 16 months later after my daughter was born. We have been together and inseperable with the kids this whole time. To be honest we were even having sex regularly a few times a week. There is no way she is having an affair, IF anything, and I still dont think this is the case, she may be just talking to someone. But there is no time for her to be with someone physically. Even when she sleeps out at her mom's, its once a week on the night she has her own therapy. I speak with her mom and brother who are both on my side and have tried talking with her. I know she is there when she says she is. I know some may think im being niave, but she isnt with anyone else.. She isn't that kinda person.

The veterans here have read your story typed by different people a million times. Nobody wants to believe there is an affair, nobody wants to believe their spouse is 'that kinda person.'

The fact is ANYONE can be that kinda person given the right circumstances, which is poor boundaries around members of the opposite sex. And your wife can put a big check mark there.

Even if the affair has not gotten physical yet, it is an emotional affair. Letting someone from the OS meet your needs (such as your need for IC, complaining about your marriage) is exactly how affairs begin.

You need to quietly snoop to see what she is up to.

If you want to fight for your marriage, you need to have the facts. And if you find nothing, no harm done right?

You SHOULD feel insecure/jealous/threatened, your wife has terrible boundaries around the OS. Your body feels that way in the presence of a threat. Her developing an intimate relationship with someone else of the OS is a threat. Intimate here can mean emotionally intimate, if not yet physically intimate.

Emotional affairs are just as devastating to marriages as physical affairs.


Neither was I.

Most people who have affairs aren't "that kind of person."

The fact is, you don't really know unless you snoop. It may very well be that she is withdrawn because you have neglected her for years -- that IS possible. But it's also possible that she's withdrawn because she has met someone new. You don't know.

And it's important that you know, because your next course of action greatly depends upon whether there's an affair or not.

That is a HUGE RED FLAG!

Do you have access to your wife's cell phone, email accounts, and social media?

Married couples should not have secrets and 'privacy.' The only reason she would need privacy for these things is if she has something to hide.

If you do, have you checked for suspicious activity? If you do not have access to her phone, can you check the phone bill to see what calls she is making?

You are one step ahead of others in the fact that you already know who she has been talking to, who she could possibly be in an affair with.

Please read:

chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs

How do Affairs Begin?

Anatomy of Adultery

Don't do this. Don't 'sleep out here or there to separate a bit.' You need to stay in your home and in your own bed, with your own wife. Giving her 'separation' only allows her to continue to withdraw (and continue contact with the other guy).

If you have not read anything about Plan A, this is what you should be doing right now. WHILE SNOOPING to get the facts, you also need to be working hard to fill her emotional needs, and avoiding any love busters. Are you familiar with the emotional needs and love busters?

Thank you all, so let me clarify a bit... back in June, I found out she was talking to this guy, a much older guy for the month of may... I found this by seeing it in our cell phone records. I confronted her and wsa devistated at the time. She apologized and explained he is an older guy happily married with 4 kids, and they confided in each other her seeking marriage advice and him seeking advice for a troubled teenage daughter of his that is like she was at the age of 14.. She agreed it was wrong, and the next day put an end to it. It also came out in therapy as being wrong. I have randomly checked since june and there are no more phone calls. I dont have full access to phone and email etc.. But her phone is laying around at times and i see texts come in and have never seen anything out of the ordinary. There has been no unexplained absences and she is always home. If I haven't been home, she is home with the kids and wouldn't have someone else over infront of them. Can she be talking to someone in person at the office? Yes of course, but there is no way for me to confirm or deny that. However she loves her job, only there year and half and its very important to her, I dont think she would jeapordise it. Also our marriage counsler saw us both seperatly for 2 weeks, at that time we were both asked if there was an affair. After i answer not at all from me, the therapist explained that she asked my wife as well and that she could not counsel us if either of us had one, Her response was no, none. To be honest the affair here is her Job, she loves it and has put it in front of me as far as prioroty, thats one of the rough patch issues we had. She was coming home and talking work work work, emailing and working from home alot and talking to all different co workers in the evenings.. I started to get upset withit cause i just wanted some time together alone.

as far as working to fill her emotional needs.. this is really the root of my question.. I want to fullfill them, I want to do everything i can do build up her love bank. Issue is how can i do this when she is shut off... For the last month of a sorta seperation ive continued to be there for her, do for her provide for her with not much in return.. I am fine with nothing in return as its expected at this point... ive sent her flowers, ive cooked dinner, when she was sick this past week i took care of her, made her favorite soup and went out in a snow storm to get her medicine. ive avoided talking about us because for the first 2 weeks i was begging and pleading and crying.. ive tried hard to avoid that.. but she is shutdown, just last night said to me, she is shut down and struggling to turn it back on. How can I help her turn it back on? I want to hold her, kiss her, massage her neck or feet if they are sore. I have alot of love to give and i want to give it all to her. We are together most of the time with the kids, we laugh, we play with the kids take care of the house, but once the kids go to bed, she wants to part ways lay in bed alone and watch TV. I reluctantly go my own way too. Hoping that its a sign of respecting her wish for space. But this all leaves me feeling alone, hurt and I cry myself to sleep at night missing her.

It is a work affair.

A "sort-of" separation is rather silly, she is shopping her options. Is her family member sitting with her in bed and to/from these therapy sessions? No. She is, at the very least, up to it.

You CAN save this but it means seeing it for what it is.

You can stop trying to convince us she is not having an affair, because it won't work. SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

NOW, what we need you to do is QUIETLY become a super sleuth and get the evidence. Don't ask, just quietly snoop. Look around for a secret cell phone, put a voice activated recorder in her car, anything else you can think of.

Come back here with the evidence and we will help you save your marriage. There is nothing we can do for you until you take this step.

Secretly put spyware on her phone. Eblaster or flexispy are good ones. You can also retrieve all of her erased texts using a program called wonderphone. Look on the OPeration Investigate forum.


She is not always at home if she goes to work every day. Even the dumbest wayward knows how to carry on an affair at work. This is where most affairs begin.


It depends. Many wayward women do have their OM in their home...in front of the kids.


Surely you are not serious? If she is in love with someone at work, she WILL not even think about jeopardizing her job. She will convince herself she will get away with it.


Any cheater is going to answer NO to that question if they are in an affair. This is why counseling is WORTHLESS when one person is in an affair.


Most spouses would get upset about that..........AS THEY SHOULD!

Your children are little and would never know to tell you if another man was at their house.


WE understand she isn't "that kind of person." Neither are 99% of most cheaters. Cheating is completely out of character for the vast majority of cheaters. Their spouses tell us all the time "he/she is not that kind of person! He has strong feelings about cheating!!" They tell us this until the affair is uncovered.

I am sorry, Sir, but your wife is having an affair. I invite you prove us wrong. PLEASE DO!! Don't believe some wackos on the internet; just quietly do some snooping and find out on your own.

So, I wont discredit anyones opinion this may be an affair... but what if its not? What would the advice be if its truely not an affair? Ive snooped, she doesn't work that far away from me, ive driven by and she is always there.. When i haven't been home, ive driven by the house and no other cars there. Like ive said, im 99% confident there is no affair... I could be wrong, but id like to proceed as if there isn't one. I have no indication there is, and im not sure how much more i can dig. Its not impossible, but i dont understand why its not possible there isn't an affair? Not all women would do that, granted maybe alot of men and women would, but not all.

They would not call it an *affair* if the people in it were not already married. Him being older, or married, or even happily married, or having 4 children, means absolutely nothing. It certainly is not evidence that he is 'safe' from an affair. Obviously, if he is seeking out a younger woman at work to discuss personal family issues, he has terrible boundaries around members of the opposite sex. That is the one key ingredient to having an affair, having poor boundaries. Someone can be getting all of their needs met at home, and STILL have an affair if they allow someone else to meet their needs.

We often see affairs with an age difference. Someone who is older or younger can still meet your emotional needs and create a love bank.

Please don't think this man is 'safe' somehow.

We will not let up on this because your post reads like it is straight out of the affair handbook. We want to get you to find out the facts so you can deal with it appropriately.

If you snoop diligently (what you have done so far does NOT qualify), and you find nothing, then nothing is lost. But, if there is an affair (there is) and you proceed as if there is not, it will gain you absolutely nothing. You will be spinning your wheels, trying to work on a relationship that is being attacked by an outside party. Your efforts will be wasted, and it could lead to the end of your marriage.

You proceeding as if there isn't an affair, is like using a bucket to put out the curtains on fire while the house is burning down around you.

Surely you have seen headlines in the news, of people who had it all and lost it all due to an affair. Those are just the famous people, for every one of those there are millions of normal citizens who lose families, children, lifestyles and CAREERS for affairs every day.

She is already withdrawing from you, preparing to lose her husband and family. Do you think she values her new job more than you???

And if I snoop to much more and she finds out, and there is no affair, then what?

What more can I do?

Ive checked phone records
Ive checked FB
Ive checked personal email
Ive driven by the house when im not home
Ive driven by her office
when she is sleeping at her moms, at most one day a week, Ive talked to her mom and even her at times while she is there
Randomly see her phone text messages come in, nothing abnormal
Topic came up in therapy and said No ( i understand could be lieing )
I am with her and the kids majority of the time except during work hours

I dont understand what other snooping i can do? only thing i have done that was mentioned is a recorder of her convo's. But i can't record anything being done in her office, and outside of her office im usually around.

I snoop on my husband, and he snoops on me. I have absolutely no problem with him looking at my phone, knowing who I call or text or what I say, checking my location on 'find my friends' or any other method he employs. I am his wife, we share a life together. I see it as him caring about me and wanting to protect me.

I *would* have a problem with it if I had something to hide, of course.

You don't want her to find out, because if she knows your source she will just work harder to hide things. But you should not be ashamed of snooping. She has given you reason to question her behavior, and you are doing what you need to do to protect her and your marriage.