I like so many others on this forum have been the victim of a cheating spouse. I met my partner when we were both 16 ( I am now 27) she was my first girlfriend and my only sexual partner to this day . We came from different backgrounds with very dfferent family upbringing. In the early years we worshipped each other choosing one and other over any friend or family member.
Then as time went on she had to attend collage in another country, this devastated me I could barely cope with her not being with me everyday. I proactively kept myself working and looking forward to her return keeping in touch with Skype. I decided then that this was my best friend and the only woman out there for me. Her 21st birthday was fast approaching and I decided to show her my feelings so I saved all as much as I could to purchase a very special and expensive dress ring a 2ct blue sapphire ring to match her eyes and 1ct in five small round brilliant diamonds. I truly loved her. Alas the same was not really true for her. She stayed monogamous until the very end of the Erasmus where a guy 14 years older than her seduced her and she slept with him. On her return home she buried the infidelity. She was still living at home at this time and I was none the wiser. She continued her liaison behind my back on and off with this guy until she coped on that she was his play thing. She met another guy online and the same happened, he used her for her body and dumped her. We moved out with each other into our first place this was about a year after first two guys, I was so happy and I really thought she was too at this point I had no idea of her secret past.Not long after we moved out she met a guy at a hens party and had a distant relationship with this guy for a year and a half. I found all this out in November 2014 when she volunteered all the affairs to me. This devastated me, we had just bought our first home and in my eyes I was looking forward to marrying her I was making preparations to propose and plan a family. I treated this woman with nothing other than kindnness and compassion we never rowed and even when she told me all I did was shout initially.

When she told me the whole story, she ended the relationships on her own a year almost prior to telling me in November 2014 the affair ended in December 2013. She tried buring it but couldn't live with it anymore, she has been monogamous since I do believe that.

I know this portrays her as a complete [censored], but she is not she was the kindest most generous person I knew, stupid with people gave far too much too quickly this was my opinion before I knew and still is now. You can�t help when or who you fall in love with. I still have feelings for her and I am trying to work through the problems. Not to detract from her repulsive selfish behaviour toward the only person who actually gave a damn about her.
I got eight years of pure bliss from this woman she made me become the man I am today, I�m no door mat I�m a very successful young self empemployed guy.
Women do stupid things for different reasons men do stupid things as well.

In my case I believe she acted that way because of commitment fear, selfishness, stale feelings for me both sexual and with life in general. LACK OF COMMUNICATION on her part. Not realising that men lust first and love later and those guys liked her for her body. Where I liked her for the person she is and was.

We both want to make the relationship work. We attend couples counselling once a week. I am just about over the devastatingly crippling raw emotional heartache of it all. But I am now struggling to see her the way I once did. Her actions have put doubts into my mind of her and of my morals where they once were my absolute strength. I revealed n my one and only partner for life.
I will never forget this and I know I can forgive. I probably will never understand properly as to why exactly. There�s no right choice if you let go the love of your life when all you ever wanted was for them to feel for you what you felt for them I probably will end up regretting it. All of this would and could of been avoided if you propely talk to each other about your needs wants desires and fears and properly listen too. As her big fear was she would push me away if she told me her fears about life and us and commitment. (Laughable yeah I know). She would have found that the fears wants and desires were actually shared between each other without even knowing so.

I am not looking for judgement from anyone just guidance. I feel like I have been at war. I don't want the relationship to end but I am afraid I will never see her the way I once did. The innocent feelings of our relationship is gone. Sexual intimacy for me is hollow compaired with before. I can see her and she is devastated with her past behaviour or seems that way, constantly crying and apologetic,feeling dirty and shameful ect. I am afraid to let her in again for her to hurt me all over again. I can't stop seeing her in my mind with some other man behaving in an explicit nature, this tortures me. Can I get my best friend back the way she was ? Can I live with what she done and love her the same as before ? I don't want to become one of these chauvinistic men and punish her for the rest of her life but I think I feel she hasn't suffered like I have and she must pay her pound of flesh. I feel totally LOST and don't want to do something stupid to make things worse.

Did I read this correctly? You are not married and your girlfriend has had sex with three other men since you have been together?

AM

We say dating is an interview for marriage. I'm sorry, but she has failed the interview. Would you hire a known bank robber to be your accountant?

Please read this.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

after 9 years it's more than dating. We bought a house together. We met both as kids in our mid teens and while what she done is despicable I do love her. Marriage is bandied about over the world and in my opinion has lost most of the values it use to have. Where I am from divorce is not socially accepted and very difficult. Her antics were childish and immature and very very selfish. I would have never known only she divulged the information to me willingly absolutely everything and has made anything and everything available to make it work. Marriage is just a set of vows if both people's hearts are not in it then it's doomed and meaningless. I am not looking for judgement from anyone no one knows me or her. I am looking for guidance. I know in time weather I will get over it or not I just need to know that I can look at her the same, that someone has had a similar experience. You can be married and cheat, just because your married or not doesn't make it any less painful or hard to separate

No it isn't of course. But it doesn't show a lot of faith in the relationship's chances when you keep a foot out of the door.

If you think the relationship is so doomed and that 'both hearts' aren't it, what are you doing there? Avoiding commitment doesn't solve that it exacerbates it.

I'm not sure what guidance you are looking for, Mike.

If you are looking to justify being a 4x fool, then by all means, continue. Until you realize that she has no commitment to you and isn't interested in one, then.you will repeat the situation.

See, you equating marriage with being in a relationship is only convenient when you want. She's taken yet single to these guys. You've got a house, but either of you could walk away without divorce. No reason to keep vows, since they weren't made.

I think at this point, you realize that she thinks you are q doormat and no matter what, you'll take her back. So why would she change?

That isn't judgment, its telling you to see reality here.

That is a very curious comment given that you insist we view your "relationship" on the same level as a marriage and then denigrate marriage. If marriage is just a meaningless set of vows, what does that say about your relationship?

The difference between marriage and living together is immense. It is like the difference between buying a home and renting a home. We are not "judging" you but giving you relevant facts about your situation that color the context. You might want to take a took at this article: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

Yes, it is possible to fall in love with her and more than you ever were before! However, you can not find that feeling towards her by continuing your current lifestyle and relationship habits. You have to stop doing what you have been doing for 9 years. It is not getting the result you want. Try something new.

You are in the right place! This program gets the results you seem to desire.

You are a typical millennial disillusioned about what marriage is. Here in this place we all believe marriage should be a mutual experience of extraordinary care. Call it marriage or not, that is what you seem to be wanting. If your relationship became a safe place with extremely high boundaries to affair proof your relationship for the rest of your life and your needs were being met you would fall back in love with her. Wildly in love.

The question is.... does she want to buy into that life with you?

Next question is do you want to buy into it? Buyers believe that both partners must contribute. Buyers believe that sacrifice is dangerous. Buyers believe there has to be a longterm solution implemented.

Learn the marriage building plan, find out if you are willing to do the things required, then invite her to do the same.

You are still renting and expecting to feel like you have a permanent home. You are losing hope. That is good because there is no hope in what you are doing and maybe you will be willing to look at it in a new way. Stop what you are doing and start doing the things buyers do. It is the only way to get the result you want.

If you do the program you will understand. And you will know how to keep this from ever happening again.

It is called just compensation. It is not a punishment if you do what Dr Harley calls just compensation. BUTit has to happen within the framework of doing the things buyers do, not within your current lifestyle.

But the problem here is, foremost, this woman has told him that she doesn't want to commit. Her words and actions are clear. Our OP is trying to convince her to act committed, rather than see she doesn't want to be a buyer.

There is no just compensation owed with a cheating girlfriend who says she is "afraid of commitment".

Lipstick on a pig is still a pig.

She cheated on you because she has had poor boundries with other men, which is ok when you are still looking, but not telling you is not.

Think hard if you want to take a chance here. It can only work out if she is commited to have very high boundaries with men. And imagine what you will say 20 years from now. Will you be happy that you let her go, or will she cheat again after you have children, or will she have changed her ways...

Just want to point out that an unmarried person is not a buyer by definition because there is no real commitment. An unmarried person is not committed because they are not married. A commitment is demonstrated by .............a commitment. If I rent a car from the car rental place and proclaim my commitment but never buy the car, am I committed? No, I am not. I can walk off and dump the car at any time.

When the car starts falling apart, they just take it back and get another one because repairs are not their problem.

People who live together are renters by definition beucase they can walk off at any point. Living together is a tentative month to month rental agreement. And sure, many marriages are renters relationships, but ALL shack up situations are renters agreements that dictate "you might be right for me today but wrong for me tomorrow.

You've already been hammered on this but I still want to jump in here because this comment really irritates me.

I've broke up with someone I was dating and I've separated from someone who I was married to in life. I've experienced both. They are in no way the same or similar. Have you ever been married and then separated before to make such a broad, sweeping statement to the rest of us? Or are you just serving out the same type of uninformed judgement you're asking us to withhold?

Most people who get married gather all of their closest friends and family together and take a covenant in front of them to each other to stay together and love each other for the rest of their lives. That's just the first giant difference in the level of commitment between dating someone for 9 years and being married to them.

You're right in saying that marriages fail but this isn't any different than the man who won't wear seatbelts saying to the man who always wears seatbelts that people still die in car wrecks wearing seatbelts. You're much better off just wearing the seatbelt whether you like it or not.

It was a very poor decision to buy a house with this woman before putting a ring on her finger. None of us can undo that for you.

Amen axslinger!

I am with you Axslinger...