For one I will start by saying this is a first for me, as I am desperate for advice. To make a long story short my husband and I have just been married 15 years. We dated a year and half before marriage. I have been in a previous short first marriage. I had two small children who he has raised with me. We later had a child of our own. When I met my husband I seen him as an humble person which was so appealing to me. He seemed great with my children, and I knew of him growing up in nearby neighborhoods together. I fell head over hills for him. With in the first few days of our marriage things went down hill. We walked in his Mothers house when we got home from the honeymoon and instantly she says I reminded her of the people on the Oprah show. The episode that day was about OCD people but my mother n law referred to them as crazy nuts always wanting things in order. This extremely confused me because I do not remember an incident happening for her to think this of me. Of course my new husband was not in the room at the time and he didnt hear what happened. We get in the car to go home and I bursted into tears only to be gotten "onto" by him. Saying I took it the wrong way. So ok maybe I did, and I moved forward. From here on out there were several things, too many too name that would come up. Small things, but small things ADD up when not handled. For the most part I would always ignore the negative remarks just to keep peace, but before long that got very tiring. I asked my husband why did he not ever speak up for me. I felt like it was his place to " back me up". Now I didnt expect him to make a scene or be rude, just let them kindly know not to treat me this way. I was raised differently. We had to work very hard for what we had so therefor we took care of what we had because there was no money to go buy more. This family worked hard but didnt take care of there houses, etc. so therefor to them it looked like I was trying to be better than them but I was not. I just had to take care of my self, house, kids. You dont have to spend money to be clean. My husband worked a swing shift job at the time, he now has a regular day job. I am a full time self employed at home. My job is all hours and very hectic. Photography. I have always worked and paid half the bills or provided the gas, groceries, and all extra we needed. Our children have been in sports and activities so often I did with out things a woman would like to better provide for a cheer uniform, or whatever the children needed. This is my job as a parent. We have honor student who are wonderful in school and I didnt mind this at all. But when we did get extra cash from time to time and I purchased myself something my husband would get this poutty bah hum bug attitude for days. Through the years if any situation come up I was always last with my husband, I have never felt loved, or even cared for. Things I just dont understand. I had surgery once, was suppose to be simple and it ended up being more than doctor expected. I was sent home to be watched for 24 hours and not left alone. My husband gets up and goes to work just 8 hours after we got home. I fell in the bathroom, still medicated and not knowing he had left. He had a great boss that would let him off but work was more important. That bothered me. I had an incident with a guy in high school that could have been a situation gone really bad if I had not gotten away My husband knew because I told him about it before we married. When social media got popular my husband friended this guy knowing how scared I was of him. I ask why did he friend him and he said he didnt think nothing about it. I could be totally wrong but this made me feel so neglected and hurt When I confronted my husband about this he then went into a mad rage and busted a brand new laptop causing me to loose several pictures. He has had temper issues. It seems he want to ignore me, push me to the side (until I get paid and he needs money too) then when I confront him and tell him I dont feel loved, he blows up gets mad. It has even gotten physical before. I have kept this so secret some of my closest friends do not know. My main concern is in the last 2 years, we lost both of his parents, which was hard in many ways, I have been his shoulder and stood by him many times when other family left him. HE his self was slightly neglected growing up I think. I do all the chore, no help with discipline the children, no help with ANYthing. Once in a while he will load the dishes or wash his work clothes if they get behind. I have started gaining weight, staying sick and slowly but surely going down hill. STRESS, it what my ob/gyn tell me. I have been on antibiotic but that doesnt FIX the problem. I have been severely depressed lately. I dont want to dress or fix my hair. When I go get groceries I had rather go out of town. I dont enjoy anything anymore. It has now spilled over to my teenagers, they no longer respect me. I know alot of it is my fault because I allowed them to not help me and I have waited on everyone hand and foot and now paying the price. I have begged, we have watched video/seminars/church and just about anything you can imagine and HE is just not in to me I can no longer live like this, it is killing me. I dont know how I will ever get over the damage done. As of now we fight about things he does that has cause problems in the past. We will have an argument, discuss it is not happening again, and before I turn my head same ole mess. He let's our youngest daughter mouth back at me. Or if she is doing anything wrong I have to be the parent to make her behave so he looks like the fun parent. All the stress of the household falls on me, but when I get upset I then am punished for being upset. I am really, really concerned about my own well being. When my husband walk in a room you can feel the blah doom and gloom attitude. Even our youngest child is showing some of these actions. It drags the life out of me, there is no escaping the negative. I feel like some of you may think this is ridiculous and I am actually ashamed but I know I need some kind of advice or encouragement. I am not myself anymore, I dont even know how to be me. What will FIX this? Divorce? Him therapy?

Hi thankful, welcome to Marriage Builders. It would help tremendously if you broke that up into paragraphs. It was extremely hard to read.

The reason you are so depressed and are suffering physical ailments is because of the poor state of your marriage. Marriages such as yours are very damaging to one's emotional and physical health. Dr Harley recommends separation because if it goes on too long, it can cause irreparable harm to your health.

Dr Harley addresses your problem here: When to Call It Quits (Part 2)

I would also suggest emailing him at the radio show to get his help. [it is free and you don't have to go on the radio if you don't want to] http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

In addition to MelodyLane's advice please also read this.

What to do with an Angry Husband

Thanks for your help, I would like to go back and edit this and make it into paragraphs to better read. Also what do I do if I need to ever delete a post? I seen the options last night when I signed up but can't find them now. Thanks

Hi Thankful! You can't edit a post after a specific length of time but you could just post it again in a new post broken down into paragraphs.

How often does your husband have angry outbursts? How was he physical with you?

I would say on average he gets really mad (stomping out the door, slamming doors) about every 2 months. The physical part varies but on average 2 sometimes 3 times a year. It can be over something simple or a major disagreement. The physical is shoving me to the point of near falling or backing me to a wall and yelling in my face (nose to nose) while he holds my arm or puts pressure for me to stay in place. I think there is a history here with him growing up as well.

The first step to solving this problem is to separate from him. You can't change anything unless and until he resolves his anger problem. That is because he is DANGEROUS to you. He can kill you.

Dr Harley would recommend you ask him to leave and not let him back unless and until he completes an anger management program and demonstrates complete control for at least a year.

If he ever lays a hand on you again, I would call the police immediately and press charges. You should have a no tolerance policy for abuse of any kind.

What gets me, and I could be wrong......but I notice when I take all his mistakes, big or small, made feel neglected or whatever the issue may be, as long as I don't complain or fuss about it we are fine. I have done this for years. I am just at the point I cannot do it anymore. It is depressing me to not be able to get some peace and feel like we can talk through a problem and it actually get resolved. The things we try to resolve keep happening. I know you cannot change a person, but a person has to want to learn better or new ways. Another words when he keeps making the same choice that are causing problems and arguments, why keep doing them or blow up and get mad when confronted with them. He will apologize, but will repeat it over and over and apologies get old. I really think there is some underline issues with his anger but I cannot get him to see that or he is in denial.

And I def will! That's a promise to myself!!!

He will not change unless and until you hold him accountable. If you tell him to leave until he gets professional anger management training, he will get the message. But you are not safe with him until he does!

Will you ask him to leave?

Another benefit of having him move out is that it will give you a chance to breathe and regain your senses again. You have been living in such fear for such a long time that removing him will give you a chance to think straight and make decisions about your future.

This is a quote from the article, When to Call it Quits, above. This is written by Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders:

here

Have you read this?

I have it is a great read, I have been looking up several pages with info. I have never done this before or reached out like this but I am at an end road. Thanks for your help!

Are you planning to separate?

Can you get yourself into a financial place where you could live independently, even if it means moving to a small apartment?

Your H has no incentive to change his destructive behavior, because he's not being held accountable. Your departure may be what he needs in his life to make the necessary changes to become a better man, a better husband. It's definitely what YOU need.

It will be an amazing breath of fresh air for you! Here is a quote from one of my favorite MB posters (emphasis mine):