Hi Everyone,

This is my first time on the forum that I decided to try after reading some of the articles and useful replies on it. I am a 40 year old man who is divorced legally since August 2014 but we are still living in the same house and I am having a really tough time. And so the story goes...

We met on the internet in November 2000, we both lived in 2 different countries (about an hour away from each other), we were 26 at the time, she had an 8 year old son from a previous relationship and I was single...with hair! :-) She moved to my country in January 2001 3 months after meeting online and once after meeting in person. Her son lived with his dad in her country of origin at the time.

Things were okay between us, I say okay in that she was and still is a very controlling person, but I dealt with it and saw it as a good thing perhaps to keep me on the straight and narrow. In March 2002 we got married and lived together in the same house that we always had. Things were okay, I guess, I felt that I couldnt do the things that I wanted to do with my friends, go out for a drink. Play pool or whatever else. She depised alcohol for some reason and for this reason I decided not to do anything booze related and sort out shut out all my friends.

A year later my 19 year old brother moved in with us as I agreed to help him out a bit. He was a typical 19 year old, sleep late, dont help out around the house, the usual. She would complain about him and I would talk to him he would help sometimes and then back to square one again. She got tired of it and asked me to ask him to leave. I was shocked by this and didnt know what to do, kick my brother out in the cold? She told me to choose between her and my brother so I chose her and asked my brother to leave. He didnt speak to me for 6 years. Recently we made friends and are on speaking terms again.

In 2005 we had our first child and I was very proud and it took my focus of my own life for a bit. I admit I used to be a bit lazy to wake up with my son during the night but I did help out on many occasions. In 2007 we were pregnant with our 2nd child and this time she said that she wanted to have the baby in her homeland so that she could be close to her family when she had the baby. I said fine and I would rent a room a save up a deposit to buy a house whilst she was away in her country. We had the baby, and all was well until 3 months after, she told me that she was not coming back and was staying in her country because she was in love with her childhood friend who she knew from 6 years old. I begged and pleaded and she said no. I wrote to her mum and her mum ignored my letter. She was having an affair in her mums house - her mum obviously knew what was going on but tuned a blind eye because 'it was not her problem' apparently.

So, after enough begging and so on she decided to come back to me only for a visit because it was my sons birthday. When she arrived, I told her that if she does that again then i will tell the police etc because it was unlawful and I told her she cant leave with the children. She was very angry and resented me. She continued to text and chat to this other man whilst we watched tv and were together. There was no physical relationship between us at all. She then said that she will end the relationship but it never did. There was always some text or message and I had no trust left in me at all. It was almost as if she had this 'I had an affair so what' attitude very cavalier about the whole thing. I aksed her a number of intimate questions about their relationship the sex etc and she told me that he was the best sex she ever had. They did some porn style sex which we never had etc. I think that was a mistake to ask her that because it still haunts me to this day. (I know the guy she had an affair with too). I also recall the one day that she had been having a problem with this guy because he was 40 and still lived with his mum and she asked me for advice on how to deal with it! Asking your husband for relationship advice for the man you are cheating with was just insane. She had been friends with him on facebook and I asked her why on earth are they still friends and her answer was that 'he was her friend'. A few months after that she met some guy online and almost agreed to meet him for sex in a hotel. I know this because I used some computer software to spy on her. I know it was wrong but I had no trust in her. I then approached her about this and all hell broke loose because i spied on her.

So time went on (3 years) and we moved into another house that was very big and with more space for everyone. our relationship was still the same, there was no love and I was always in fear of what she might do next. I was at a company party and met someone nice from work and started a relationship with her. We did not have sex but just talked and it felt so good to be happy again but then it got to a point were I couldnt go any further because I was still married. I was only with my wife because of our children because i was raised with divorced parents, I didnt want them to experience that. We were two friends with children.

In 2009 i met other women after going out with friends and started having one night stands and spending time with them. This has been ongoing on and off for the past 6 years but I still couldnt leave her because of the children. She does not know about any of the affairs. Last year we came back from a summer holiday and had a big argument and got divorced online which was processed in four days and we were/are officially divorced but we still live together. She says that she wants to work things out and still loves me etc. but I dont feel the same way. I cant get close to her and I cant even touch her. I have had a taste of happiness and I know what it is like. I get upset when I see a happy couple on the street thinking why am I in this mess. The affair was in 2007 we are now in 2015 and I am still here. The kids hear us arguing sometimes but its not an abusive argument. Just a difference of opinions I would say.

I work as a professional and earn a good salary. She does not earn very well and I have been supporting her and the kids for the past 10 years. She is fully and totally dependent on me. I feel like I have 3 children and get very frustrated with coping at times. We are divorced, living in seperate rooms but I just feel guilty for some reason. She does not earn well and if we split up the children will not have a good place to live in etc. The agreement was that we each have the children every other week.

I told her that I dont trust her anymore and all the answers to the questions that I asked is probably what hurts me the most so she said that i should try a psychiatrist. Is this a good idea? I dont think its going to help but am willing to try. If I stay with her the one night stands will not stop, I know for sure. But how can I make this work otherwise. Can you bring yourself to love someone again after all that? I am happy when I come home because I see the children, but after they go to bed. The house is in total silence with one of us in the living room and the other in the study.

Any comments please?

Thank you for reading.

So to sum up - affairs on both sides and you live together post-divorce so you can cake-eat?

Just think what a sick example of marriage this is for your child.

Are you willing to end and expose your own adultery and that of your wife's?

Can you follow the affair recovery plans as outlined here?

There are men here who responded like heroes to their wives' affairs. They slayed the enemy and created a safer marriage than ever before.

Do you feel like doing that or are you going to persist with your numerous affairs? Persist in this sick set up where your children are coached in adulterous habits and deceit?

Do they know you are divorced or do you lie to them?

I agree you should see a psychiatrist to find out why you choose to live in such a sick, dysfunctional environment. I cannot even begin to imagine how confused your children are. How will they ever know right from wrong or understand the concept of marriage when both of their parents behave like alley cats in heat? You and your wife have an open marriage and that is a pathetic lifestyle for children to witness. I am not sure how you think this is in the children's best interest?

First off, you should stop committing adultery. And secondly, you should ask your wife to leave. If she has no home, then obviously the kids can't stay with her. They would have to stay with you and have regular visitation with her until she gets a home. Just because she has 50/50 custody doesn't mean she can take the kids and live in a car for her 50%.

There's been absolutely no extraordinary care or protection shown here. If you did not want to part, you could easily have rebuilt the love instead of choosing revenge affairs.

You enabled the affair instead of fighting it, there's been no exposure, no transparency, no dates - no attempt to save this marriage at all.

But you didn't leave so you could use her for the needs of domestic support and parental support.

You've turned yourself into nothing more than a walking wallet by refusing to be husbandly.

This is literally the only thing you did right. When a man is moving in on your wife that is no time to look the other way.

If only you had taken the opportunity to insist on being an open book. That you will always 'spy' on her and you expect her to volunteer passwords too.

If you'd lived by the open book policy your own affairs would not have happened.

Thank you for your opinions indiegirl and MelodyLane.

I shall stop committing adultery, confess my affairs to my wife, be more husbandly, follow the affair recovery plans outlined here, respond like a hero to my wifes affair and slay the enemy, not persist in a sick setup where my children are coached into adulterous affairs, show extraordinary care or protection, attempt to save the marriage, visit a psychiatrist to find out why I choose to live in such a sick, dysfunctional environment, not to look the other way when a man is moving in on my wife, stop using her for the needs of domestic and parental support and beg for her forgiveness.

I have been totally out of line and am actually the cause of her having an affair. She is the victim here, it was my fault in the first place. Its all become very clear now, I was a poor husband and it drove her into the arms of another man. Why did I not see this. Thanks so much to you both. You have well and truely enlightened me with your ever so useful replies.

One question though, as outsiders, what do you think of the human race?

Of course she is responsible for her affair.

No one suggested otherwise.

Just as you are responsible for yourself.

No one understands the pain of betrayal more than we do.

It is not an excuse for revenge affairs behind the backs of your wife and children.

We think some of them are quite silly and lack the common sense God gave a billy goat. But we have hope for you yet!

I do too actually. But hope is not a plan.

Cutting out the adultery and the pity party when he's called on it might be.