My husband and I completed a MB class two years ago. We've had a lot of deteroiration since then, mostly due to finances. He is in school for a different career that will hopefully allow him to meet my need for financial security. In the meantime, I need to be breadwinner and take on side jobs to keep us afloat. We have no other options to move until then. We're in a place with no social support or babysitting available. I am saving aggressively for so that we'll be able to move back to our hometown immediately after graduation (where our social support is) and for retirement because we are in our early 30's with no real nest egg. And yes, I'm carrying a lot of resentment that we are in this financial situation, as his desire for a specific lifestyle is what got us here in a very high COL area and drained our sizeable savings.
But my question is how to cope during these two years. I think that if we can make it until he graduates and we move back to our hometown, we'll be able to spend more time together without our son, not have to worry so much about finances, and be in a better place to rebuild. But until then...
My husband needs more affection. I've taken sex off the table to due sexual aversion. The aversion is so bad that I feel nearly suicidal after we've attempted.
But I am carrying so much resentment that I also have an aversion to any physical touch. I can't stand it when my husband touches me even in an innocent manner. It incites disgust and anger in me. I know my needs are for financial security (he can't meet right now, but is working on it), and recreational companionship (we do things at home after our son is asleep, which is all we can afford, but it doesn't seem to be working).
I know that I need to meet his emotional needs in order to keep what's left of our marriage alive for two years. But it actually makes me feel more negative toward him, like a lovebuster.
When one spouse has an emotional need, and for the other spouse meeting that need causes a loss on positive feeling, how do we proceed?
Or is our marriage just dead? Is there such a thing? I am feeling a lot of despair at our situation. Like there is no hope.

Welcome to MB. Can you swap babysitting with fellow mothers?

You need to get that UA time or your marriage will keep deteriorating.

Have you and your H tried to brainstorm ideas for UA time?

Have you seen this? UA Schedule for Couples with Children

I am flabbergasted that you think your marriage will LAST 2 more years. Why do you think that? What makes you think your lifestyle would sustain a marriage when you are completely neglecting your marriage?

MTE, you have to actually DO the program in order for it to work. Even while your husband goes to school to further his career, you can't neglect your marriage. It makes no sense to say you are neglecting your marriage for the sake of..........the marriage.

And what is this "MB course" you say you went through that lasted 8 weeks? Where was this?

I need to know if it's better for me to push past the revulsion and meet my husband's EN for affection, or to not meet that need due to it not fulfilling POJA.
It's confusing.
And yes, the course was eight weeks with the workbooks and certified facilitators. It was great. It doesn't seem applicable right now. That was nearly two years ago.
I can meet all of his less important needs...I'm staying fit for physical attractiveness and earning a paycheck meeting financial security, we have great conversation, he's an attentive father fulfilling family commitment and domestic support. The problem is that right now is #1 EN and my #1 EN don't seem possible. I only make 40K for a family of 3 in a very high COLA so it's tight unless we opted to spend every cent paycheck to paycheck.
We have radically brainstormed ideas including stopping our contributions to savings and retirement in order to put money toward RC...but it just doesn't seem wise given our age. Babysitters in our area would cost as much as a date itself or possibly more. But I am open to that idea. Teens from church seem to charge 10-12 an hour.
We have attempted to find babysitting sharing but we haven't had great luck. We've had a few attempts at sharing babysitting services but nothing's panned out. Neither of us are extroverts so it's required a bit more effort.
I realize they sound like excuses! Is it better to forgo convenctional financial responsibility for the sake of marriage? If I knew for a fact it would work I'd definitely agree it's worth it. At this point, though, it seems like a terrible gamble, to spend all that money on dating and if it doesn't work out we are that much further behind in savings and retirement.
Like I said, I am open.

Since Dr Harley has not certified any facilitators it must have been through some other program. [uncertified]

My point is that you have to actually USE the program in order for it to work. You get no UA time, you don't meet each others needs so I don't know what in the world you expect us to do. The program doesn't work unless you are meeting each others INTIMATE EMOTIONAL NEEDS 15-25 hours per week of UA time.


How "responsible" is it to end up divorced? If you neglect your marriage, as you are, you will end up divorced. People who are divorced have much less money than people who are married.

The solution is to actually USE the program and fall back in love with your husband. But we can't help you if you refuse to use the program. You have known about it for years and won't use it?

How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

Of course there are MB facilitators:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mbi_inst.pdf


I agree with you completely. I've been trying to make the decision to contribute to savings/retirement or to put all of that money toward UA. The consensus seems like spending it on UA, right? It seems risky but if that is the only way to do the program then it would be worth it.

As for How to Overcome Sexual Aversion: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html
I think this will take time. I am working on it. In the meantime, is it better for me to push past the revulsion and meet my husband's EN for affection, or to not meet that need due to it not fulfilling POJA?

He has not certified anyone. Just because he publishes facilitators guides does not anyone is certified. Anyone can buy those materials and put on their own class. Many churches use his materials.


Dr Harley has said his program does not work unless you are meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs for 15-25 hours of UA time per week. The risk comes in not doing it because your marriage won't last.


Did you read the article?

How old are your children?
If they can be reasoned with, you can put them to bed (or in front of the tv) and have the neighbours informed in case of an emergency.
Some sport studios offer a children's room or child care while you are working out, as do department or home decorating stores.

You will have to change something fast. You remind me of a person with a tumor who thinks they don't have time for treatment until 2 years from now. You are feeling disgust for your husband already. This will not wait for 2 years.

Put your marriage first, or else there will be no marriage FOR your savings and retirement.

2 more years of escalating suffering in your marriage will most likely lead to a divorce.

Then, when the finances you both accumulated together will need to be split in two to sustain two separate living accommodations.

Your current "Financial" goals will create worse problems, not only financially, but emotionally take it's toll for a very extended period of time as well.

I think it's time to reconsider with a plan that solves the marital issues first, as the number One Priority and then the financial aspects will be taken care of enough. But dividing everything into two is definitely not in alignment with your current expressed goals.

Yes, it IS THAT SERIOUS.

LTL

You are in your early 30s....you have plenty of time to build your retirement/savings after your H is done with school.

I do not understand your risk assessment at all. If you end up divorced because you neglect your marriage, all your savings will go towards paying divorce attorneys and legal fees. Divorce is a HUGE financial hit.

Welcome to MB

Why can't your husband work a side job while going to school? Was the decision for H to go back to school POJAed?


"We" aren't saving? Is your husband not part of your savings plan? You can save money in a number of ways. Do you use POJA?


Was this lifestyle choice POJAed? Was this IB on H's part or sacrifice on yours?


Is this sexual aversion due to the resentment you feel or is your husband asking you to do something you don't like or want to do?

No, the big problem I see for your marriage is not that his emotional needs are being unmet - it is that yours are unmet and his account in your love bank is going down. At this rate it will not be long until you hate him, and that will turn out to be what ruins your marriage. Your desire to meet his emotional needs has already been affected by this problem, so severely that it is impacting your health (causing aversion).

If you continue to try to meet his emotional needs in these circumstances, it will be like an athlete who pulls a muscle and tries to keep playing. You will injure something in yourself, probably permanently. An athlete with a pulled muscle needs to see a trainer first before going on, and your marriage needs to follow the professional advice Dr. Harley offers before you keep pushing this.

Your husband's balance in your love bank needs emergency attention. The first thing we need to know is, will your husband commit to following the policy of undivided attention, and eliminating all love busters, immediately? If his answer is no, then it doesn't matter what the reason is - you will need to take emergency action and separate from your husband to protect his remaining love bank balance. Otherwise, you are going to grow to hate him, and your marriage will not survive.

Can I get clarification on something? Your repulsion to his touch and physical intimacy is because he isn't making enough money? Has there been any infedility or abusive demands or anger issues?