Yeah but I never did a Plan A in the beginning. My foremost need in a relationship is affirmation. This is because my parents are not and never were affectionate people. I got bullied and teased a lot in school. As a result, I had to rebuild my self-esteem from nothing when I got out of high school. By the time I got out of college I was a pretty well-rounded individual. After we were married a while, my xW never gave me any affirmation for anything. She was always complaining and the only affection she gave was overt sexual advances, and if I did not respond, made her even more angry and distant. All I needed was for her to be nice to me the rest of the time and let me know that I was appreciated, but I got the opposite. Constant criticism from everything. When I lost my job, it got worse. I could do nothing right, even though everything I did was for her and the girls. I had no life of my own, few friends, I never did anything without my family which was the center of my life. By the time she 'decided' to cheat and leave me, my self esteem was zero. That is why I had so much trouble doing anything other than blowing gaskets and saying desperate things. I was at the emotional bottom, and it is not a place where I could subjectively deal with anything. I'm not sure I could have done a Plan A if I tried. Interestingly, SHE was angry also and continued to be very mean to me and all of our interactions included angry outbursts from her, and often times me as well.

Her affair seems to be as fulfilling as it is going to be for her, in my opinion. The POS comes over a couple nights a week and gets his fill and the rest of the week she is left to deal with the kids and work by herself. There is no ring on her finger, my kids haven't mentioned any new developments. Nothing has changed in quite a while as far as I can tell.

So the first year was being angry with each other. Her family could tell she was not happy, even the lady at the storage place told me that she didn't think my xW was a very happy person when I went in to change the credit card info.

Lately though she has been civil as I have. She doesn't say anything most of the time when we exchange the girls but occasionally we will have a short text conversation that is friendly if nothing else. I sometimes get the feeling that if I kept texting, she would continue the conversation as long as I kept it going. When I was in my house and I confronted her about the POS being there, I asked her why she was seeing him. She replied "because he paid attention to me", which tells me that her biggest need is affection. Would love to give her as much affection as she needs, but it is pretty hard when she treated me like crap all the time. It was this catch-22 that I tried to talk to her about but she never cared about my needs. I wonder if the affair is just existing for the sake of existing, and if I started "paying attention to her", that she might start climbing back over the fence. Just kinda giving you a stream of consciousness account, but that's what I'm thinking. I don't know if it's valid or not.

My church is doing a series on how pride destroys people's lives, using Samson as an example. The things that the past says remind me of my xW and the things she did and continues to do. She has unbelievable pride and I know that she would find it next to impossible to admit that she was wrong. This is why I keep saying that I feel like I need to say something or do something to tip the scales because they haven't moved much in a long time. She's not going to do it. Either I say something or I wait it out until the POS finds a more desirable situation for himself. If I don't, they might continue for God knows how long.

My friend's wife figured it out after about 3 years and went back to him. The other person she was seeing did nothing wrong and the relationship was strong. She just finally felt overwhelmed by the guilt and figured out that she was the one doing the damage. Not saying that will happen to me, but I have to keep hoping. I really don't want to date anyone else. I just want my family back together and to have those feelings with my xW again.

Incidentally, that friend personally knows three couples who got divorced and are remarrying. Kinda makes me hopeful.

If you've read through this thread,

She texted me today demanding that I take the day off from work to watch our younger daughter tomorrow because she is sick. I can't take any more time off work because of money. Also because of my responsibilities during the legislative session. She might think that is some kind of act of defiance or whatever, but it isn't.

So I'm with you.

Plan A would dictate that you find a daycare solution for your sick wife or take the day off yourself.

Dr. Harley's advice for betrayed husbands is to do a great Plan A for about six months, Plan B for another 18 months, and, if the wife is still wayward after the two years have passed, the husband should move on - that reconciliation, while not impossible, is very unlikely.

Who here can be a reliable comm IM?

I am going to Plan B as dark as I can get it.

Who here can be a reliable comm IM?

I am going to Plan B as dark as I can get it.

Since my wife is in enthusiastic agreement that I should help you with this, I am willing to serve as your IM if you want me to. If you do, notify the moderators and they will provide us with each other's private email addresses, and we can take it from there.

How do I do that?

Are you in Plan B now blindsided?