I posted back in 2011 about my WH's cheating. I thought we had recovered our marriage. Well, what do ya know, he is at it again. Not sure what to do next -- I always vowed if it were to happen again, I would leave. Well it did happen again. I don't have any 'hard' evidence but I do know that he has been engaging in a secretive behavior meeting females for coffee or potentially otherwise even though we had implemented a policy of complete transparency. Obviously, he has proclivities towards opaqueness. It has been 3.5 years since his last infidelity, but now I have a strong suspicion he is lying to me about his whereabouts while on a business trip. I have been doing some sleuthing around and I know he has been meeting or calling someone on a regular basis since August. I am not sure what to do next. Do I really want to save this marriage? Please give me some guidance. How do I confront him?

He travels after having an affair? Why hasn't the traveling stopped as one of his EPs?

How have you found out about this?

He travels on business trips. I thought we were beyond the affair and have recovered our marriage since 2011. I had no clue until now. I am totally devastated.

Wasn't he a professor, staying away from home several days a week? Were you not advised that if this situation did not change, the affairs would continue?

His last affair that you know of was with a postgraduate student. Professors are surrounded by young, clever women who look up to them. Is this current woman a student also?

What do I do? Do I confront him? is this marriage worth saving after all this?

Did you see these questions?

you need to tell us much more about this affair, and about what has been going on for the past three years, before we can give you advice.

Is he still a professor? Did he ever change the pattern of staying on campus several nights per week?

How and when did you discover this affair?

Who is this woman - a student? Do you know her name? Don't tell us her name, but you need to know it so that you can expose the affair on her side. If she is a student, you need to expose him to his employers. He is in breach of a professional code.

The best thing for your marriage is if he is sacked and retires early. You've been married a long time and must own your home. You can downsize and cut your expenses. He cannot do an academic job any longer.

Is she married? Does she have kids?

I have no idea who this current woman or women is/are. I got lazy aand complacent and thought things were good after the 2011 fiasco. I thought he was honest and transparent. Now, I am finding out he has secretive meetings with women that he doesn't (obviously) share with me.

Could you slow down and answer ALL my questions, please?

How did you find this out?

Do I confront him now on the phone while he is traveling? Do I wait until he returns? '

If you're not going to answer my questions I can't help you.

Ok, I have been away in Europe pursuing grad studies since September. I have travelled frequently back to the US. I am now here, whille he is on a business trip returning tomorrow. I thought there was something odd and I looked into this calendar last year and current phone records and it seems his is calling the same number. I was able to break into this voice mail and found a message from a female confirming plans to meet over coffee. Obviously, he didn't share this detail with me. I also looked at his calendar last year and saw he made plans to meet with a female (student or not) throughout the semester. Obviously, he didn' t share this with me. I just go back home from my studies and I am just utterly shocked he has deceived me. Please help! I always vowed that if this where to happen to me again I would leave him. Now, this is it.

You did leave him, didn't you? You have been in Europe for several months. Did you read/learn anything when you were on MB in 2011?

AM

I did learn quite a bit back in in 2011. I thought we were beyond that. How wrong was I?

Will you stop spending nights apart? One of Dr. Harley's EPs after an affair is to never spend a night apart. This needs to stop. Will this be implemented?

Will 100% of this list be followed?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I didn't leave him. I thought we had a strong marriage going and that a temporary absence, which he incidentally encouraged while I was away, would not be detrimental. How wrong was I?

How come "spending no nights apart" wasn't being followed after an affair?

I keep asking you the same question. Will the nights apart stop? If the answer is no then you might as well know he will continue with his secret second life and more affairs.

At some point you have to ask whether is it worth it. I thought that after 2011 we were beyond this affair fiasco, that life had settled in and that we could start anew. in retrospect, how wrong was I? It is never over. You have to commit to be every waking hour together and I, guess, failed to deliver on that because I chose to purse a dream of advancing myself, which my WH, conveniently in retrospect, chose to encourage.