Hi.
My H and I have started the online program with coaching.

We have begun the seminars after reading some of the books. Prior to doing the seminar, we read/completed Lovebusters questionnaire. Following the Lovebusters seminars, my H redid his initial questionnaire.

On the new version, H used what I have written as my lovebusters as a lovebuster for him, and I am not sure how to reconcile this.

ex. H has a way of lecturing me. This is a lovebuster for me. I don't like to be lectured, and it makes me feel like I'm being treated as a stupid person.

H says of my behavior as lovebuster: "Only her opinion matters. Refuses to listen to my opinions. If I try to express myself, she says I'm lecturing."

When H expresses his opinions, the way he does it is threatening to me. If I ask him not to lecture/do in a different way, I will be performing a lovebuster according to him (not letting him express his opinion).

If I apologize and say that the way he expressed himself was the issue...not talking to me...and ask if he could please try again, then I am told I am talking down to him and only my opinion matters (bc I am deciding how we communicate/how he talks to me...this is a lovebuster for him).

And round and round we go....

I tend to just shut down/go away b/c I can't take it. Of course, me leaving what is building up to a large fight is also a lovebuster for H (because I am ignoring him/not letting him express his opinion).



Help, please...

Have you been assigned a coach?

Also, does your H understand that if you say it's a love buster to you then he must stop the behavior?

Yes. Kim. I have not spoken with her.

I do not think he does. He is very focused that I want only him to change...that he's the problem, not us.

He is a problem for me, and I would like him to make many changes. I know he would also like me to make changes. In counseling it was very difficult b/c he would say the only problem he has with me is my poor view of him. My point was if he would make the behavioral changes, my viewpoint would evolve to a positive one. He consistently asks me to change how I look at things rather than expect him to act differently. Very frustrating.

Have you reported this to Kim?

I am actually not sure she is my coach, but I did call to ask for help.

It is not a love buster to not allow him to love bust you. Forcing you to listen to his opinions or be lectured is controlling behavior.


It is not a love buster to not allow him to bully you. It is your obligation to leave the room when he attempts to bully and force you to listen to his lectures. Don't reward bully behavior.


In the program, you need to be radically honest about he affects you. He needs to know this so he doesn't make the same mistake again. If he is causing you to lose love for him by the way he communicates, then he needs to know that so he can stop doing it.

He might not like hearing that he is losing love units with the way he communicates, but it is necessary. It is like getting a NSF notice from the bank. It might not be pleasant but the alternative is worse. Getting the notice enables him to put money in the bank so the overdrafts stop.


If he tries to force you to listen to his opinions against your will, just leave the room. Don't reward bad behavior.

If he wants you to change how you view him, he needs to change his behavior. You can help him do this. But what you can't do is tolerate his controlling behavior.

loving, I just realized who you are! I am so happy you signed up for the coaching. Have you finished the video portion yet?

I am trying to complete the seminar this weekend. It seems mostly like common sense, but implementing the features in conversation is very difficult

Here is a condensed example (via text) of my recent attempt:

Me: "Please, do not use the word ditto."

H: "I have no problems not using the word ditto. It's a two way street. You use it incessantly. Please, practice what you preach."

Me: "Please, do not make negative unnecessary comments regarding a two way street/ preaching., etc... It seems like a nasty request. Please, rephrase."

H: "Please, explain how it is nasty."

Me: "No. If I ask you not to say something, I would like you not to say it. I don't have to explain."

H: "Funny, I ask you not to do something and it is a nasty request. You ask me not to do something and I am supposed to smile and apologize? Nope. This is a two way street from now on."

Me: "Please, do not make comments about streets. Please, stick to the topic and do not turn the conversation around."

H: " I apologize for streets. This is the topic. I made a request of you. You said no. Therefore, I see no need to heed your requests. Simple."

Etc, etc.....this went on and on

I tried very hard to remain calm this time. I feel like shooting myself when I talk to him. It is easier to not say anything about his comments/tone that bother me.

Another way to put this is:

"it makes me uneasy when you use that word. How would you feel about using another word?"


You could have said: "I will stop using it. I was not aware it bothered you. Thank you for telling me."


Now you are judging him by deciding what he says is "unnecessary" and "negative." You are ordering him to "rephrase" like he is a kid.


Now you are demanding instead of politely asking.


oh boy, those are fighting words!! This is very disrespectful.


Your requests come across as demands or ORDERS so it doesn't surprise me it doesn't go well.

My suggestion would be to avoid making complaints right now until you both learn how make them respectfully. I would get the videos done PRONTO so you can go onto next steps.

I don't really understand what is wrong with asking Please, do not use the word ditto? It seemed like a straightforward request that could easily have the response ok. Especially via text. He knows I don't like like it.

The first quote is the response H gave and you are telling me what he could have said differently.

I should not use the words negative and nasty....
I can see how they can incite.

I was told by the counselors to use the terminology Please, rephrase bc my H and I tend to get into convoluted philosophical arguments. That keeps it simple. If I answer how his/why his wording affected me, it would tend to take the conversation even more off course (we would begin arguing about whether it was/was not nasty to begin with....etc).

I think I should have walked away and should not have said anything to begin with.

Please go back and read my post. I said no such thing.


Stop doing that. It is infuriating and just picks fights. Telling an adult to "rephrase his comment" is disrespectful and demanding. Don't do it.

It does no good to come here and argue that you don't see what is wrong with ___XYZ___ when it doesn't work for you. As an objective observer, your approach would infuriate me so I can see why it doesn't work with him.

Sure, your husband has to learn to eliminate his love busters, but so do you. And the last thing you need right now is to be picking fights by being controlling and disrespectful.

You said.... "Another way to put this is to...."
I inferred that the way I asked H to stop was not acceptable or you would not have offered another option.

I see where you are coming from regarding the please rephrase comment. I will stop.

Is there some sort of list with ways that are acceptable to ask someone to stop doing an annoying behavior?

I don't have a problem asking in a different way other than "Please, stop x." I think it would be helpful to have a script to practice from.

You just need to really read up on disrespectful judgments and selfish demands and eliminate them. As a general rule, when you want something from your spouse, simply ask "how would you feel about.........?" Don't make judgments about his behavior, just say "this makes me uneasy and I wonder how you would feel about doing it this way?"

From reading your posts here, I get the sense that you are in the habit of arguing a lot. Is that correct?

Do you have the book Love Busters?

What if the person already knows how you feel and has agreed to stop?