X2. Independent lifestyles and a fantastic marriage are mutually exclusive.

AM

This is all a distraction. It is like focusing on the clothing he wears when he plays chicken. Who cares? He can and will do anything the hell he wants and you will never know the difference. You aren't there and he can have as many affairs as he wants.


Seems like you would have wanted to save your marriage back in 2011 when you had the chance. If not for yourself, for your child. I give this very little hope at all, because your husband has been wayward for years. That is his normal mentality now.

I was able to log into his voicemail and hear a message from a female about confirming the meeting at Starbucks. It sounded professional and innocent. What I am upset about is that he chose not to share this information when I asked him in general terms what he did during that window of time -- that was before I had the evidence. After finally confronting him with evidence in hand he essentially told me that I am insane and this is precisely the reason why he didn't share this information.

Not sure how I should proceed from here.

He's gas lighting you.

You have 2 choices:

1. proceed to divorce and legally end a marriage that ended years ago

2. have him quit his job, you quit school, both of you move home and start acting like married people. Go through the Marriage Builders program and affair proof your marriage and create a romantic relationship.

Your current set up is nothing more than an open marriage. But I know you know that.

SHE is gas lighting herself. She is in DENIAL about the state of her marriage. She is the problem here, not him.

How you proceed depends on whether you want to stay in the marriage or not.

If you do not want to stay in the marriage, then file for divorce.

You said that you would leave if he had another affair. The phone and credit card evidence, and his statement to you, show that he had coffee with another woman. For most people, that is not reason enough to divorce, and I can tell that you are reluctant to go through with the divorce as you said you would, a couple of years ago, on the basis of that evidence

However, you and all of us know that living, as you have done, completely separate lives, he has done much more than have coffee with a woman once or twice. He has been having affairs the whole time you were apart - before the first affair you discovered in 2011, and after it. You don't have a marriage and he has not seen any reason to be faithful to you.

If you stay with him and continue living in Europe, his affairs will continue. It is up to you whether to choose that lifestyle.

If you abandon your course and go back to the USA, to your marital home, he will continue his affairs while he stays on campus and while he travels on business. Again, it is up to you whether to choose that lifestyle and accept that he will live his life as a single man.

If you want to give your marriage a chance, you must get his agreement to your BOTH abandoning living apart. He must not stay away for work, whether on campus or while travelling, and you must go home immediately and not go back for the 5 weeks you mentioned. This must be done by agreement; if you simply go home (and stay there), he can still travel. You won't be solving anything by unilaterally going home.

Which course are you going to take?

Thanks so much for all the guidance and support! I have some tough decisions to make.

Which course are you leaning towards?

I think divorce is where I am leaning. The problem is that this plan of action requires immediate separation and I am in this precarious spot whereby I am already in this semi-separation by virtue of living abroad and I cannot afford at the moment to take time off study to make divorce arrangements. I will be able to do so when I return in 5 weeks. So the question is what 'arrangement' do I establish for the time-being?

I think you should continue with whatever arrangement you have now. It is not as if you see each other, so I am unsure what needs to change before you get back in 5 weeks.

However, before you say a word of this to your H, you should consult a lawyer in your state, online, and ask about how and when to file for divorce. I have absolutely no knowledge of the law, much less the law in your state, but it seems to me that you are in a precarious position being abroad and out of your home. I have no idea whether your H could lock you out of your home, and you should not risk having him stop supporting you - which I imagine he is doing, since you are a student and he is a professor.

Agree with Sugarcane...