Hi,
Please help
My husband and I met on a dating site and live in different cities. We only see each other once a month From the first day we met in person he told me he wanted to move to my city. We decided not to wait to get married and have been married now for 8 months. All the time he has been looking for a job in my city and he was finally offered one a few months ago - it is to start 1 Feb. However, in November last year after he went for the interview he started saying how he was scared to move since all his friends are there and his family all live in his city, and he thinks if he moves to me then he won't be happy. He talked about seperation and divorce. I went to spend two weeks with him over the xmas holiday and at first things were strained between us but then by the end of the visit we had got along so well and had so much fun that I could see the man I fell in love with back to his usual self. However, when I mentioned his new job again and moving to be with me and have a normal marriage, he said he didn't want to move - then he told me he didn't find me attractive, and our sex life was boring, and I wasn't confident enough and didn't dress sexy enough for him - so I got him to drop me off with a (male) friend (just a friend, nothing more) and this friend then took me to the airport the next day. Since then he didn't speak to me for a week, and I've been plan A'ing him when I can - sending him love notes and telling him how much I love him and want a proper, authentic relationship and marriage with him. He started to thaw a little towards me and now says he wants to move to be with me but needs to sell up his house first. I see this just as another excuse because by the time his house is sold, he will have lost the job that he is supposed to start 1 Feb. Then it may be another year before he is offered another job. We originally decided that he would move because his work (computer programmer), is much easier to relocate for than my job - I am stuck where I am and don't have skills that are easily transferable to another company. Plus my salary is higher than his. I dont know if he is having an affair, and since I am not living with my husband I can't snoop :(I know it is a crazy set up, but when we first started dating I didn't think it was a problem since he said how much he wanted to move to be with me and he has done everything he can (going for job interviews etc), to show he was serious about moving here. I don't know what to do to get my husband to move He is very attached to his mother and grandmother eventhough he is 37 years old, and is still a "mommy's boy". I know thats a disrespectful judgement and I haven't said it to his face that that's what I think the problem is. We both bought the book HNHN, but it doesn't seem like he is interested in reading it. I have read a lot of marriage builder materials on this site, and I know I was guilty of DJ and AO, but in the last two months I have eliminated AO entirely. I'm not sure if I am still love busting though everytime I ask him to move here to be with me - it seems if I even bring the subject up he gets moody and sad, but I can't continue living like this. If we apply POJA to this, does it mean he gets to do nothing and not move until we can find a solution? I don't see our marriage working if we go any longer apart. How can I get back the man I love?

I would just accept that he does not want to move there and most likely will not move there. I would stop badgering him about that altogether. He has told you he does not want to move. You can't have a marriage if you don't live together. Unless is willing to be married and you can resolve the problem of living apart, then your only choice is get divorced and move on.

How old are you?

You must have realised the long distance arrangement was a con?

You've never been married, my dear girl. He's a keyboard warrior who is available for the odd vacation. He's never had any intention of being your husband.

Cut all ties with mommasboy. Next time you date online have no time for anyone who isn't nearby and interested in dating you in person. The general rule is you should have moved offline in a few weeks.

There are lots of men who want online fantasy relationships to play at after World of Warcraft.

I woud file for divorce and move on. Your H is not a buyer and there are so many red flags here it isn't even funny.

I agree with the others and think you should move on. He isn't a buyer and he needs to be a buyer.

Please read this.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I'm 34 hes 37.

No, I really didn't think it was a con as I said, when we first met after chatting for two months online, he came down to meet me in person and he already had job interviews lined up that very first visit. I can't blame him for not getting those first jobs he applied for - but he was trying! Why would he even apply for a job if he didn't want to be with me? I think it's because over the last 8 months we haven't been getting UA time together to stay in love. I know if he just moves we will fall back in love but now because we have spent so much of our relationship apart he's wondering if he even wants to be with me
Is there no hope for us?
Should I write him a "plan b" letter? I don't want to give up on him.

Your story sounds very familiar. Have you posted under a different username?

Did you see these red flags while you were dating?

No this is the first time I've posted, although Ive been reading the site for a few years on and off.

What red flags? I really didn't see anything wrong until November when he first mentioned he was scared to move I can totally understand him being scared - he's never lived away from home, but to me he will take a few weeks to settle in and adjust and it will be ok... ?

If he refuses to move (which can be done as a trial period) and you do not want to move ( which is totally understandable) you have no marriage. I would not move to the city where he lives, as he has not cut the umbilical cord with his mother.

Really? You can totally understand a 37 yr. old man who is AFRAID to be away from his mommy? Really?

RUN!!!!! I would get this marriage annulled, then find a larger dating pool and make yourself inviting. Trying to convince 1 disrespectful, complaining, scaredy cat that you are more important than the status quo (or his mother for that matter) is an exercise in futility.

That a man would even risk looking like a fool to tell you that seems like a test of your naivete. Do you really want him to cake eat between his 2 mommies? (You, his sugar mommy and his birth mommy.)

Something is very wrong here. I remember a similar post to this too.

The job interviews were a convincing con. I'm so sorry.

So now my H has had a change of heart and has decided to come and give our M a try. He is coming this weekend. But now I feel like all the love I had for him has worn away and now i"m the one thinking that this is over and I wonder if I can ever love him again after the way he has treated me. I don't feel I have the energy left in me to make the effort to restore love. I feel like he broke it and now it's his responsibility to fix things. How do I get over all the heartache he has caused me and make our M work?

So now my H has had a change of heart and has decided to come and give our M a try. He is coming this weekend. But now I feel like all the love I had for him has worn away and now i"m the one thinking that this is over and I wonder if I can ever love him again after the way he has treated me. I don't feel I have the energy left in me to make the effort to restore love. I feel like he broke it and now it's his responsibility to fix things. How do I get over all the heartache he has caused me and make our M work?

Also, when I was there in dec/jan I felt really used when we had SF and it wasn't pleasant for me and I think I am developing an aversion. I don't want to sleep with him again until I feel loved and cared for again - but how do I bring this subject up with him without love busting? I don't want to say "how would you feel about no SF..." because that makes it a POJA thing and for me it is non negotiable. If i say "I won't have SF until.." then it sounds like I'm demanding and controlling and using sex as a weapon? Any ideas?

If you read Dr Harleys articles he writes the first year of marriage should not be the best year or the worst year of the marriage. It's the time to use his tools such as the policy of joint agreement, rules of negotiation, spending time together meeting intimate needs. And more. You develop an nterdependecy with the adjustments made in the ongoing process.

Your husband is cherry picking for some of the benefits of marriage without the action steps for building an interdependent relationship. Your going to experience this pursue and withdrawal from him as a pattern. You are likely already anticipating his renewed interest as a pattern that also goes hand in hand with ambivalence and more withdrawal. Ouch! An ambivalent partner will eventually push you to also experience a type of ambivalence. You were a buyer and now you are downgraded to renter. Have you read Dr Harleys book Buyer, Renters, and Freeloaders?

Your not going to be able to deal with this at length. He's a freeloader. Don't waste your time. Experiment over.

Graceful2b, yes I am anticipating him changing his mind again, and think that at any moment he will tell me he is not going to come - at this stage i'm not sure if he told me he isn't coming if it will be heartache or relief. But until that happens I still have hope (although I'm not sure if I want him to come because I fought so hard for him to come, or because I really want him to come, if that makes sense)..

When I said he is coming this weekend I meant he is coming to live with me, not just for a weekend visit - he starts his new job here next monday. Is that not a sign that he is not a freeloader and has realised that he needs to put in effort if he wants to save our marriage? He told me in an email that he realises that he destroyed what we had and he wants to fix things. Might just be lip service though? I don't know what to think anymore.

And no, I read HNHN, not Buyer, Renters, Freeloaders, but I have read an article (or a few articles) on this website explaining the difference between them.

Whether your husband moves to your city or stays where he's at there is no reason to believe he is a buyer until his actions prove it. Moving in together might be a step in the right direction. Hard to say.

Most women need their needs for affection to be met in order to feel comfortable and safe for sex. This is all about creating an environment for you that draws you closer emotionally. I'm guessing you husband simply feels entitled altogether and this has become a huge turn off during your short marriage.