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Hmm I guess I didn't realize I was looking at it that way. I believe that I was not getting my need for affection met and that left me vulnerable to an affair. However I completely agree that the primary reason for the affair was my poor boundaries and I allowed someone else to meet my needs.
Maybe I did a bad job at conveying that to him
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Does he believe that you will have another affair if he does not meet your needs? Does he feel he has a gun to his head? What would change in the future if he doesn't meet your needs? That is something he should consider. It is much easier to get out of a marriage when there are no children and no mortgage, so maybe he is just not hopeful for the future?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody you are right. I definitely need to address these questions with him. He has mentioned that his biggest fear is that if I move to the new home with him that the negative will follow. There are triggers and reminders all over the place where we live now--but he said that I'm the biggest reminder.
And that's something I don't know how to fix. I feel like only time will help that one. I hope I'm wrong.
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Melody you are right. I definitely need to address these questions with him. He has mentioned that his biggest fear is that if I move to the new home with him that the negative will follow. There are triggers and reminders all over the place where we live now--but he said that I'm the biggest reminder.
And that's something I don't know how to fix. I feel like only time will help that one. I hope I'm wrong. The way to fix that trigger is to create a SAFE, better marriage than you had before. Your marriage should be much, much better than it was before the affair. It should be the happiest element of your lives. When that happens, he won't be thinking of the past. Just moving will take him to a whole new positive place. He won't be reminded of the sadness of the past if your relationship is great and......HE STOPS TALKING ABOUT THE AFFAIR! Talking about the affair keeps it in the present and causes the sadness to drag on. He has been talking about it, hasn't he?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Will he come here and speak to us?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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AMS, we're parsing your words because words are windows to the soul, and so your words can matter a great deal.
If you've said, even thoughtlessly, to anonymous strangers on an internet forum that some action or shortcoming of your husband's 'led you' into an affair, chances are, that sentiment has been coming across in your words and/or actions toward him.
Nothing 'led' me into my affair. It mattered not a whit that the OW made the first move. What mattered was that I had it solely in my own power, all along, to rebuff things, to end things, to come clean from the outset or to come clean at any step of the way -- and yet I chose not to, as I made selfish choice after selfish choice all along the way, for 2 & a half months. None of that was on OW or on my wife. I could've gone to my wife with my little discontents & been up-front and persistent & patient and done a million things other than the things I did. Same with you. Nothing & no one 'led' you into your affair or kept you in it. You went there on you own.
So what can you do now? For one, you can start owning it. Fully. Not merely to us. To him. In words and in deeds.
Yes, recovering a marriage after an affair requires the commitment of both spouses. But for there to be a prayer that your husband will feel emotionally safe with you, he has to sense that you own your actions. You have a huge hill to climb thanks to the extended period of 'trickle-truth.' Fully 'owning' the selfishness that constituted your affair won't be sufficient to save your marriage, but it will be necessary in order to have a marriage worth saving.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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AMS,
But what became of the OM was he married and if so was he at least exposed, was he at least fired, one of the things to keep a BH triggered is when the OM gets away clean.
Possibly worse is when his WW continues to protect the OM showing more of a loyalty than to her own BH.
God Bless
Gamma
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"Possibly worse is when his WW continues to protect the OM showing more of a loyalty than to her own BH."
I'd put this in the column of DEFINITELY worse. This would make me irate.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Possibly worse is when his WW continues to protect the OM showing more of a loyalty than to her own BH.
God Bless
Gamma Not sure where you are going with this. Where do you see anything that would lead you to say this? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Possibly worse is when his WW continues to protect the OM showing more of a loyalty than to her own BH.
God Bless
Gamma Not sure where you are going with this. Where do you see anything that would lead you to say this? Yes, gamma is not even grasping at air. Maybe attempting nitrogen, 79% air, yet still not grasping anything his hand can hold onto. Her OM got away? OM got caught and confronted by the BH. WW left the job so there would be NC. Not much more can happen. OM do not have to have their BS divorce them, their kids despise them, their dog bite them or even get fired from their job for the BH to recover. Revenge is not a requirement for recovery. To get behind the wheel of the karma 18 wheeler and run over the OM. Stop, Backup. Then keep repeating until the fuel tank is empty will make the BH feel better. Though it is not needed for recovery. Though I am sure most BH will tired of shifting and working the clutch going repeatedly from first and reverse before the truck runs out of gas and just stop and get out of the cab.
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The OM was married. He was exposed to both his wife and his work. But he faced no consequences. He still has the same position of leadership at his job and he's still married. Life goes on like nothing ever happened for him.
I know this has always bothered my husband and obviously bothered me as well. We have had to go through hell because of what I did, while the OM just goes on like nothing happened.
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What about your B/FWH's affair? Who was his exposed to? Who was your affair exposed to? Sorry if I missed those, but I don't recall reading those points.
Also, will your BH come here and post?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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**EDIT***
Last edited by Denali; 02/12/15 09:26 PM. Reason: TOS non MB advice, distraction
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