What are you wanting him to trust you to do?

Dr. Harley's position is that there are some circumstances in which any of us can be trusted, and some circumstances in which none of us should be trusted.

Ultimately you are both going to have to agree to give up some of the tactics you have been using on each other to get what you want. I'm often heard Dr Harley say that he has to take something away from a couple first, and those things are demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. And fighting! In their place, you will learn to use the tools in this program to negotiate and come to win/win outcomes that you are both happy with.

You shouldn't be dishing out abuse yourself and you shouldn't be tolerating it coming your way either.

When I talk like that to my wife, it usually bothers her. She doesn't like for me to make unilateral decisions without her. Instead I would say "How would you feel about me going to the store? Do you feel like taking care of the kids while I am gone?" If she's not enthusiastic, I don't do it.

It would greatly bother me if my wife just assumed she could expect me to take care of the kids any and every time she wanted to go out alone. I'm not her slave - we are partners.

You might benefit from some coaching:



Here

bb84,

One of the most helpful suggestions I can give you is to start listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show. There is a new show each weekday, and you can listen round the clock. You can listen on your computer, or you can install an app on your phone or tablet to listen on the go.

I have learned so much about how to make my wife happy in marriage (and vice versa) from this show.

Here's the show webpage:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

I totally get this. And we already do this somewhat for things like eating out. It is not simple things like this that are the problem. And I understand you are saying apply this idea to the more complicated as well. Surprisingly I think we are good at this concept when it has to do with what we want to do or where to go, etc. Really it just boils down to he doesn't trust me. It really isn't about us not getting along. When he is being himself and not feeling insecure about something, we get along great, and can have a lot of fun together...

Even if your husband is 95% of the disrespect and you are only 5%, and even if your 5% is only recent, in reaction to his 95%, the experts on here will tell you to START by fixing your 5%.

This does not mean people think you are causing everything or without legitimate complaints/frustrations.

You might want to read through some other people's threads to get a feel for how advice on this forum works where it's easier to be objective because it's someone else's problems, not your own.

When I first came here people told me I was being disrespectful to my husband and I didn't get it because in my mind he was unreasonable and much more disrespectful, so my disrespect was justified. Plus, I was more a giver and he more a taker. I mean, like, hello!!!

But reading more and practicing it as best I can, I can see how my actions/reactions did not improve anything, they just made us embattled. Just giving in also does not improve things either (as you know.) But you have to start with cleaning up any love busters you are committing.

You said something along the lines that you have done everything for him and it's never enough. But now you have resorted to crying, screaming, cussing. That is what many people do but as you are experiencing it does not work long term.

I would definitely read the stuff on Love Busters and the "Giver and Taker" and the Policy of Joint Agreement - I can't find the exact article to link to you, maybe someone else can, but there is some really good stuff on how one spouse will mostly "give" thinking that's what they should do to be a good spouse but they are actually hurting their marriage just as much as the one who "takes" because ultimately they become resentful.

That is why they say that you should not "compromise" but rather do nothing until you find a solution that you are both enthusiastic about. Compromise when it is win/lose damages your marriage.

You say that in the past you have spoken to your DH the way the experts on here recommend. When you have these meetings have you ever approached him with "My training is coming up. How do you feel about my going?" Or "I don't want to be seen using my phone during the meeting. What do you think of my texting you as soon as we take a break?" (If so, how did he respond?)

Do you realize that calling him insecure is disrespectful?

Why should he trust you?
I don't trust my husband, and we have a GREAT marriage!

You understand you are responsible for creating trust and security? One way might be to check in more before taking actions, like going out to the store without checking with him.

If he can rely on you to do that, he would see you doing something that creates trust.

You can't fake or decide to trust. It is a reaction just as much as laughter.

what are you giving him to react to?

I guess I didn't explain well enough. I would never just say "I am going to the store", and expect him to watch the kids.

Let me give you an example of what I am talking about.....

Let's say I need a few groceries, so instead of picking up the kids and having to take a 4 and 2 year old in and out of their carseats just to run in for a few things, I may run by the grocery store that is just around the corner from their daycare, pick up the stuff, then get the kids.

Sometimes something like this would be no big deal to him, other times I get accused of doing something wrong. I think that is one of the hardest things to deal with is him being so inconsistent. If he had fun at baseball practice or something like that, he comes home and is nice and wouldn't think anything of some of these little things, other times it is all out war...

Thank you - I will definitely do that.

The things that I want him to trust me about I feel are just basic life things. Like the example of running into the store after work, or having to go to meetings that are required of my job.

Another example of the lack of trust is the cell phone. He expects me to be able to answer or respond right away no matter what. To me this is not realistic for someone with two little kids. For example, there was a time when I was changing a nasty diaper and the cell phone was ringing in the other room. I couldn't stop what I was doing back called him back almost immediately (it was literally a minute later). Just because I happen to be changing a diaper, I had to endure all kinds of horrible things being said to me.

It is always the not simple things that are harder to negotiate. That is where you both need to become skilled. You don't get along according to what you have told us. He won't feel so insecure if you carry good negotiation habits into all decisions.

And you really need to drop the disrespectful judgments. Calling him insecure or demanding "trust" is a great way to start fights. If you want him to trust you more, then start taking his feelings into account in every decision.

All of those things you just described can be solved with this program. But you gotta do the program.

If you have no control over these things then he has even less!

It's totally unreasonable to expect him to suck up things that can and should be controlled.

Your marriage comes before everything else. You say that your expectations of him are not as high as though low standards are a good thing - but they should be just as high as his are.

You should expect to come before the other nonsense. You are more important than a job.

Of course any out of the norm decision in his day need to be signed off by you.

If you are not doing this, you are not a partnership.

You are someone asking to be left alone, to make independent decisions.

Read up on the independent behaviour lovebuster.

I would not agree to marry someone who was not in control of what they do for their job. You are a professional, not a slave.

No I guess I feel like I am just listing a fact like "he has blonde hair, he is insecure..." It feels like it is just part of who he is. I am honestly not trying to be disrespectful.

Why should he not trust me? I have done nothing but be honest, faithful, loving from day 1. Why do you not trust your husband? How can there be a great marriage without any trust? I honestly don't believe that can happen.

Now I get saying no one should be trusted while putting themselves in a negative situation (like going out partying all night, or hanging out with people of the opposite sex, but that is so far from what I am wanting).

Calling him insecure is a disrespectful judgment. You are JUDGING him to be insecure. Saying he has blonde hair is not a judgment.


Great marriages most certainly ARE NOT based on trust. That is well worn myth. Nor is trust an entitlement. You should stop demanding to be "trusted." Instead of demanding to be "trusted" based on some false old cliche's I would focus on doing everything to alleviate his discomfort.

I am honestly in shock with the attitude toward job responsibilities. Going to a typical teacher professional development is hardly betraying my husband, and is NOT putting the job before him. Why would I try to keep him from doing his job? We have to work, we can't afford for either one of us to lose our jobs. There have been times where I felt the job came first for him, and that was because it was interfering a lot with the time we could be spending as a family. But going to a training during the day while you are at work is hardly the same....especially when everyone else on campus (including him) is also in training's or meetings.

Do none of you have meetings to go to as a part of your job????

I get and agree with almost everything that y'all are saying, but I can't fathem how I am doing something wrong by attending boring meetings where I sit and listen to people talk, while he is in another room doing the same thing!

So, if he asked you not to go to a meeting, you would put his feelings before the meeting and not go?

Then you won't get trust!

You make decisions all the time which you a) have no control over and b) disregard him.

You also expect automatic trust for doing little more than being an OK person.

What about transparency? Never making any decision he finds offensive? Asking what things inspire trust to him? I.e. for me it is being trusted with secrets, details of someone's worst faults and mistakes and being trusted with passwords and access to emails and accounts. If I am trusted in this way, I respond with trust.

It's a reflex, like laughter. You're asking for laughs but you can't be bothered to make jokes.

You present him with proof all the time that a) you can't control your actions and b) decisions will disregard his feelings.

That is patently untrustworthy. Worst of all you think that not wanting an affair is something special. Nobody does! You don't any credit for that and it is still rather worrying you expect automatic, blind, trust.