Prisca, You are some kind of Ninja... I will go through this and tweak it a little, and then send it. Thank you so much for being so generous. I am constantly amazed on this forum, how willing people are to help fellow MB'ers.

Wow, Prisca! Great email!

Did you email Dr Harley yet?

If you haven't yet, the only other thing I could think that you might want to add is that she has been caught erasing texts despite your agreement not to do that anymore and gotten angry when you asked to see something (signs of continuing her SSL).

Here is what I am going to send to Dr. Harley. I just revised a few things from the layout Prisca gave me, and mentioned the deleted texts like you mentioned SusieQ.

Dr. Harley,

My wife had an Emotional Affair last year with her boss(although she doesn't agree that it was an affair). We spent 6 months in a false recovery, because I trusted that my wife would end things. When I discovered that they not only had continued to communicate, but had become much more involved emotionally, and were close to taking things to a physical affair (D-day), it was like I was hit by a train. I have never felt so much pain, and I still shake when I think about that day. Thanks to exposure in the workplace, and the help of the Marriage Builders Forum, the OM is out of the picture now.

She has had no contact with OM since October 2014. She accounts for all her time. There is never a time during the day, that I do not know where she is. She keeps me updated on everything. I have access to her email and phone. She is on board with UA time, and understands why it is important.

BUT ...

She is still flirtatious with other men, and she still dresses up daily like she is trying to get admiration from other men. I like that my wife likes to dress up and feel beautiful, but I wish it felt like it was directed at gaining my admiration and attention. Because of the events of last year, I am triggered when she talks to other men. Here are a few examples.

We took the kids bowling, and while there, we ran into the neighbor and his kids. The way he has carried on conversations with my wife in the past has bothered me, because he will try and keep the conversation going longer than I am comfortable with. That night he hung around for a bit while we were finishing up bowling, and everyone was having fun, but I started to notice flirtatious behavior on my wife's part towards him. Later that evening, I mentioned to her that the way he talks to her bothers me. She got mad and told me that I am so paranoid. She says "I am not going to be rude". So I just said please be mindful of my feelings, and just know that it bothers me. I asked her to just be short, and not carry on the conversation. Anyways she thinks I am way out of line, and just jealous. It just gave me a bad feeling when they interacted, and it triggered me.

She seems to invite this flirting atmosphere, because she is a fun bubbly person, and men automatically feel comfortable talking to her.

Another example. About 4 months ago, we were at my sons Basketball game, and my wife had to go stand in line in the lobby to get something to eat. I had to take my little 3 year old to the bathroom, and when I went out into the lobby area, I could see her talking to one of the dads of a kid on my sons team. What bothered me, is the way she looks so excited and engaged in these type of conversations. It really triggered me, because I could picture her talking to the OM this way. So, when I mentioned this example to her, I just explained that it would really help me, if she would avoid conversations like that with the opposite sex. I told her that I am not saying she can�t say hi, and have a short cordial conversations, but it really bothers me when she engages in the conversations the way she does. I tried to say this as nice as possible, but she flipped out, and started saying that I was way out of line to even bring that up. She said how controlling I was, and then she kept saying �I guess I just won�t talk to anyone anymore�, to which I would reply � I did not say that you couldn�t talk to anyone, but that I would appreciate it if you would keep conversations with other men to a minimum�. She is still mad at me, and keeps saying how out of line I am for having a problem with this. I told her that I never would have even thought twice about it, if it wasn�t for the events of last year.

After the situation last year, one of our extraordinary precautions was to not have friends of the opposite sex. Well she moved to another area of her company, and has become friends with a gay man. When I mentioned that he was still of the Opposite sex, she said it wasn�t the same as what we agreed on, because he is not a threat to our marriage. After a few months of observing this friendship, I realized that with how much she talks to him, he is still meeting her need for Interesting Conversation, and it bothers me. I asked her "Would you stop this OS friendship if I told you that it hurts me and triggers me? Her response was "I don't agree that it is a problem, so it doesn't matter that you want me to stop." She then explained that he is not a problem at all, and she enjoys his friendship. So basically no, she will not end that friendship. She tells me, that I am way out of line on this one.

She doesn't seem to take my feelings into account. She seems to enjoy Independent Behavior and rejects the POJA, and if it bothers me then she says I'm controlling. We had an argument a few weeks ago, because she erased some texts between her and a neighbor lady, because they had a dispute, and she didn�t want me to see what she had said to her. When I mentioned that we had agreed to transparency, she said this situation was different, because it didn�t involve OM. I just explained to her, that when she does things like this, it reminds me of when she would delete texts from OM, and I am triggered.

I asked my wife yesterday if she would agree to stop having conversations with members of the opposite sex, other than small talk, and saying hi. She said she would be mindful of it, but if she feels like it is not a big deal, then she will continue the conversation, so she doesn�t come off as rude. She is just really easy to approach. People like to talk to her, and what I notice, is that certain guys will hang around and want to talk to her (like the neighbor the other day). I just told her this bothers me, and she needs to find clever ways to cut off the conversation.

She thinks I was way out of line for being uncomfortable with the situation with the neighbor the other night, because in her mind she didn�t see anything wrong.

How can I get my wife onboard with POJA and giving up her Independent Behavior? Am I wrong to request that she avoid conversations with members of the opposite sex, and if not, then how do I get her to see why this is so important to our recovery? I was actually starting to think I was just suffering from PTSD, but have come to realize, that I am just still easily triggered by some of the things she does.

That looks great. When are you going to send it?

Send that as soon as possible and include your phone number so that Joyce or Dr. Harley can speak with you in person prior to them airing the episode.

Have you considered using the MB Accountability Program so often referred to on this site?

It would relieve you of the burden of being labeled the Controlling Bad Guy placing safe parameters on your marital boundaries.

LTL

I think this:

was a bad response to her question, and that the whole exchange went downhill because of that.

You were wrong to refer to her bad behaviour when you were asked a completely unrelated question. The answer to that question should have stopped at "that would be fun". Referring to her bad behaviour made a LB withdrawal, as her reaction clearly showed.

The time to refer to her bad behaviour is when she is doing it, not when she gives you the opportunity to have a conversation.

RR,

Your wife's exchanges w/you again show her ambivalence towards you. The ambivalence is triggering you to make the responses to her statements become heated or provoking. It seems you are playing one another and not helping the situation.

This is a watershed time. You have the opportunity to change the dynamic and tip her and end this brand of triggering. Remember Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz? In the end Dorothy pulled the curtain and found the wizard was this little fearful man behind the curtain. And all she had to do to return to Kansas was be diliberate---click her ruby slippers together and say "there is no place like home!"

That's what we are all saying to you! You can go home, it won't be the same "home" because there has been a tornado, but it will be Kansas.

What Sugarcane is saying: Deliberately, choose statements that propel you forward...

"That would be fun." (that alone moves you forward, to your center)

adding: "If you can get along with me?" (these statements, like 'flying monkeys' are digs that moves you backwards to more trying times, the tornado that took you way from one another)

Stopping your self from making these statements, being mindful and deliberate is like rubbing the ruby slippers together and getting you LB deposits.

This is most likely going to take you out of the stormy ambivalent zone.

I know this well.

I know that I didn't exactly handle that conversation properly, but my point was that I was very happy with the fact that my wife finally agreed to protect me. She committed to refraining from these conversations that trigger me.

So would asking my wife to take a polygraph test be completely degrading and disrespectful?

Did you send that letter to Dr. Harley? What was his response?

Yes, I sent it to the email address that was provided in this thread. I never did recieve a reply.

The reason the Poly was brought up, is because now that my wife changed jobs, she now has access all day to company email, and I was triggered yesterday, because I couldn't help but think that she could email OM, and I would have no way of knowing. He doesnt work there anymore, but what if by some chance he emailed her from his new job. There is no way to check her email from home, and so I just feel like I am in the dark. My wife's answer to this was "I guess you will just have to trust me"...There in lies the problem. I was lied to over and over again, but now I am just supposed to have complete faith and trust???

In this discussion, she ended up saying there is nothing she can do, so I brought up to her that maybe she could take a Polygraph test. Well she became very pissed, and told me how degrading that was, and that she has lost respect for me by even bringing that up.

ohmigosh! There are so many ways you can check her work email. You can set it up on an iPad so all of the emails are downloaded that way. Do you have iPad?

Email him again. You might also ask the mods to help you get in touch with him.

I think that, given that you have entered recovery (unless there is some outstanding issue that I have missed in your thread, and you are not really in recovery), it would be wrong to ask her to take a poly.

What you are saying is that her job does not allow for transparency (or so she is telling you). I don't think you can use a polygraph as a way of solving that fundamental problem. If she stays in the job, you will have to polygraph her on a regular basis, and that is no way to create transparency, and maintain love, in a marriage. Regular polygraphs cannot become a way of life for your marriage.

I think she either needs to find a way to become transparent in that job, or she needs to find a new job. I don't think you can put either suggestion as a demand - remember, demands are not allowed - but if she won't do either of those things (give her time to think about them), you need to make a decision about your marriage.

Melody, my wife works for the _RS, and there is no way to check work email at home.



Prisca, I will resend it�


SugaCane, I don�t really know if the affair was physical for sure. There will always be doubts. The poly was just an idea in my mind that would help answer this question. I wasn�t implying that she would be taking polygraphs to prove to me that she wasn�t emailing him.

I just have bad days here and there. I really have wondered lately if any of this is worth it. If it wasn�t for my kids, I think I would choose divorce. I don�t want to be in a marriage without trust.

In that case, i would suggest she find a job where she can be transparent. Taking pg tests is not substitute for transparency.

I meant to post to you that they read your email on the radio show and ask what your thoughts were, I want to say it was the day you posted the letter here or very shortly after.

The general gist of what Dr Harley said was that your wife should be doing things to make you more comfortable and avoiding the things that are making you uncomfortable regarding the opposite sex and should definitely not be doing any of the things that led to her having her affair (being friendly/flirty with men).

Would your wife be willing to leave this job and find one that will make you comfortable (one w/transparency)?

Have there been any other recent incidents (OS interactions, etc) that are triggering you?