Well, background is I just found marriage builders today.
Husband had an affair while I was pregnant. He confessed only after she threatened to tell me again and again. Two weeks of PA and two of EA after. I had an abortion after deciding that I could not be a single mom, and that bringing a child in before we fixed us was not fair to a child (since we both have colourful histories with single-ish moms, this is not something I am willing to do to a child. However I did not find out just how colourful his history was until after the affair.)

Presently: he told me in November, begged me to stay, his crying pleading routine, blabla. Found out later that he had also had sex with a stripper a couple months prior, etc. He was clearly not down from his high, and forcing his way through it "for the baby" however, having cited 'resentment because of obligation' to me as his primary reason for lashing out (I know, it was not me who did this to him, now I clearly see where he dragged this stuff in from his childhood he painted as a perfect picture for the four years we have been together which was nothing but. He never told me that he was unsatisfied, so I believed we were ver happy, because he is emotionally closed off and avoids conflict at any cost.) I knew he would resent a baby just as much, or more, if thats truly what he put on himself to drive himself out.

He cut off OW immediately when he told me, they still go to the same school but he blames her (instead of himself) for ruining his marriage so he goes to great pains not to see her, not to mention I exposed, so the whole school knows, faculty and friends, etc. I exposed to them calmly, also to his parents (of course his mom, who I found out later had multiple affairs begged me to just sweep it under the rug!) To be honest, I spoke with Ow to get all the details, knowing if I didnt have full disclosure Id be prone to triggers more and wanting to deal with it all at once. She was very forthcoming and we are not on bad terms but do not talk, as I explicitly told her if she contacts either one of us I will file an injunction which would likely get her kicked out of school because shes already on probation there. At this point I do not dislike her, and all contact was stopped after I got my details between her and me as well.

Since then, husband has been back and forth over and over, one second all in, the next competely ignoring my needs and 'unsure' if he wants to try. I honestly do not believe hes willing to do what I need to rebuild my trust, however I am a believer that people change (only if THEY want to) and am a forgiving person, eventually. I did, however, decide that separation is a must, and this is so that I can prove to myself that if I do decide to try for a family in the future, no matter what happens, I will be prepared to be a single mom. Before this I have gone from living with parents, to my sister, to my husband. I am now one month in to my two month trip to a foreign country, and honestly don't feel I miss my husband at all, and have made a wonderful enjoyable life for myself.

His back and forth attitude kills me, and despite not missing him actively I find myself still thinking of ways to please him, as I am a giver and he is a taker. I kept telling him if he isnt willing to work hard (i.e. Face conflict, if I am angry apologize instead of ignoring emails or deleting photos) then I am done. Right now, because of his running away from conflict (he ignored a couple angry emails, I just needed to vent.) I have cut him off and said all messages must go through a third party unless they are related to financial type things.

Have I done the right things, what do I do when I get back, and do I open the door for communication? I feel I dont want to hold his hand anymore, why should I have to tell him when he is running from confrontation (he would never tell me anything was wrong with us or our marriage because he didnt want to cause disrupt! This has been the whole problem, he bottled up anything he may have felt was wrong, I still dont understand what we were lacking before because he himself may not understand after withholding emotions for so long, and to me our relationship was awesome and we were happy)

Anyways I would love feedback, input, and guidance. I will return in mid-March, for now my mind is that the month or so without chatting will be good for me to get him out of my own head, but of course inevitably part of me is so hurt that he wont fight fight fight for us, even though logically I know hes just coming down from some high. Do I wait for him to come around or call it a loss, if I wait, whats the next step? Thank you anyone who read all this!

Are you married? If so, how long?

Even if I was an OM I could never recover with the women that could have her and my baby killed.

People are so quick to take a life and yet choose to ignore that they can not restore a life.

Totally understand TheRoad. After three previous miscarriages, I felt mentally prepared to do this thing, and as my baby was made with the contingency of giving it a family, where my WH was more than willing to risk its life by having unprotected sex with both me and OW at the same time, I could not bring a child into a broken home, knew I personally am not able to or willing to reconcile while pregnant, that I can get pregnant again later when a man truly wants the baby. In my mind, he did not walk out on me, he left a child fatherless and having grown up fatherless is not a situation I am willing to bring a child into. At the time I had never been independent, so I was unable to truly feel that even if it didnt work out, I would be ok. Thereby, unwilling to be a single mother, and recognizing that the next OW could become my babies step mother, my contingency was for him to try solely for me, not for a child he was more than willing to maim by having unprotected sex/STDs. The last time I had been pregnant, he had shoved me, so this also played a factor in recognizing that he became a little dangerous when a child became a focus, and I need that to stop before I am willing to have a baby with this person. I can get pregnant later, when I find a husband or a man who is ready for a baby, whether that is this one or another one.
Only married 2 years, together 4. Totally understand if he would leave for that reason, but he started having doubts before the procedure, which just reinforced my decision to go ahead. I know it would save me hassle to just 'move on', however this shocked me as I was unaware we had any problems because he never told me, theres zero daily conflict, good sex life, lots of emotional support and love, so it very much blindsided me and thats possibly why I am having trouble deciding. The fact is I will be happy either way, so Im just choosing one path to happiness or another.

Also if he cant forgive me for the abortion, then I totally understand if he wants a divorce over it, but he keeps saying he wants to try, then going back and forth, none of the time has he cited the abortion as the reason he wouldnt try. I would be 100% accepting of a decision to try or not to try, he just wont make up his mind and I wonder if it's even worth me waiting around for or simply mentally preparing for a divorce. To me it feels like he is keeping me at arms length so that when we do get divorced, it will be my decision, so he can play victim.

Ill add for the record I was completely open about the abortion and although he discouraged me, he also understood where I was coming from and why I was doing it. I believe many peope have kids when they are unsure, and it ends in their kids having ridiculous problems in their futures. I was raised by a single mom who left my father because he had an affair, she was bitter and resentful, and I know that I must must work past those things prior to ever having a child, whether his or another, because I refuse to walk the footsteps of my abusive mother. I think that men and even some women severely underestimate how hard it is to be a single mom, so they just want you to go with the flow. In my opinion, as someone else wrote, when you have a child you have to be 100% sure, its like getting a face tattoo. There is no going back or neglecting feeding/changing/taking care of the child because we need to work on "us." That will affect the child for the rest of its life. So your opinion is totally valid and understandable, just know it is not WH nor my own opinions. And yes, Im a bit defensive for a few reasons, one being that it was the hardest decision I have ever had to face, choosing between two painful futures, but two that maybe you can understand my perspective a little better, and putting it down on paper certainly reassures me that I made the choice that was best for me. For me, a child is a lifetime commitment (to the child and father,) one my husband walked out on, and one I certainly am not ready to suddenly renew just because he cried a little. He had been the one to pressure me to get pregnant in the first place (after three miscarriages, I was devastated and ready to throw in the towel on making children myself.) Anyways the point is he knew about it and we discussed it in and outside of marriage counseling, before moving forward. People change, after finding out about an affair I most certainly am not face tattoo ready to have a baby with this guy. He will be in the Navy soon, plenty of opportunities for more.

Has he ever done this before? Has he had angry outbursts?

Do you want to stay married? You've only been married 2 years, correct? How old are you?

I am completely repulsed and sickened by your selfish defense of abortion and am hoping you will drop this subject unless you want to give others the puke factor too. If you do that, most people won't want to help you. It was brought up as a possible factor in your husbands desire to leave the marriage. Do you want help here? Then please stop making the rest of sick with these sickening rationalizations.

Writing angry emails did not help your situation. With MB, we learn to never "vent" AT our spouse. Instead, we learn to ask for what we need in the relationship.

Is your H still seeing the OW at school? Even a glance as they pass in the halls or the parking lot? Recovery cannot even begin until they are totally no contact. That may mean that your H has to leave that school.
Yes, I agree...but apparently we differ on WHEN a child becomes a lifetime commitment.

Melody, I apologize for offending you. I realize each person hold very distinct views, I am just trying to show our side clearly, so that one who may not have the same opinion may at least understand where I am coming from? I also very much understand the other view and apologize to each person who feels this way for any grief reading about my actions and reasoning may cause.
If it is one of the reasons, I am certainly ok with this being his rationale for the divorce as I mentioned, but he doesnt seem to feel this way, as I have said his not being open with me in the past is probably the reason he witheld all his emotions in the first place, so it is completley possible that hes simply not telling me, but the fact is he keeps telling me he does want to stay, he is proactively working on himself, but he is avoiding conflict as far as we are concerned. I honestly dont know if I want to ever try again for a family, but am willing to see if we get to that point as I am still young (to answer, I dont want to give away too much personal information, so I will just say that I am under 30.) He has had angry outbursts before, twice early in the relationship, I have a zero tolerance policy for violence having grown up in a violent household so let him know in no uncertain terms that would not be acceptable, and for the three years after he went through great lengths to be more rational and calm, although it is a work in progress as he did backlash when I was pregnant the first time, and I saw a red flag there, but figured it was a one time thing. Wow now reading this maybe I need to get out, but for some reason I still hold on to this incredible hope or love or whatever it is that he will come around and that he will want to be with me 100% instead of only 60-75%.
Maybe our whole relationship has been like this. I dont know because I was happy myself, independently of him (only just now read about interdependence, which we lacked because maybe both of us feared being tied down too much or being seen or thought of as codependent.) Since I didn't know he was unhappy, not because I was ignoring him, but because he never told me, I am not sure what he was thinking the whole time or if he even ever had had the love for me (an affair, as Im sure you know, can make you feel this way.).
Anyhow it is very early, no house, no car, no children, and easy escape for him, but he wont commit to coming or going, and because of the emotional limbo, I am not sure I can handle the indecisiveness much longer.

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate your replying despite conflcting views with me. I dont know who to vent to anymore, I feel my sister is being burdened with all my upset feelings, and it isn't fair to her. I have a therapist in the states, but I am overseas right now.
He still glances her at school. He will graduate in May. Even if he did love me passionately, he would likely not leave the school, he is just coming down from a high, so to him having just hit depression, he likely does not yet relate me to too many good things, even though Ive done my best to stay positive, it is not always easy or 100% possible. I will stop sending angry emails for sure.
Part of me wonders why this is on me to do, though, when he is the one who had the affair (I realize that is the Taker part of me from having read over the site all day yesterday)

If he won't leave the school where the OW is then there's no way your marriage will survive with him having daily contact with her and you being out of the country. He's probably having her over.

Thank you for keeping my head in check. Yes I read the thread about 'believing' the WS, however he is in individual therapy and has been spending time with friends, confirmed by friends. Also their classmates and professors all know, so it would be harder for them to secretly run off during school time. But yes, you speak hard words of truth I must accept. Reality check for me.

Listen, the first step in recovering from an affair is to permanently separate from the affair partner.
He must agree to never see or communicate with this woman again.
No ifs ands or buts.
He should write a "No Contact" letter as explained in the book Surviving an Affair and it should be mailed by you to the woman. He would need to quit the school and go elsewhere.

This means that I should return to our place asap if I intend to try to ask him for complete reconciliation? There is no room for leeway here, is there, like waiting until May when he graduates and he/we will inevitably move across the country for the beginning of his Navy orders? I need to hear it, give it to me hard n painful!
Thank you for the responses so far! I very deeply appreciate the help. I am buying the book but having trouble using kindle in this country, going to try to get the audio version. I have read the checklist, I thought that him cutting her off in front of me, blocking all numbers, deleting his facebook acct, etc, and me threatening her with an order against harrassment would be good enough, back in November. I think you are right, so the decision remains if I should return or not, see if he can do it on his own, or directly ask him via email or phone to do it and return once its done.

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No, there is no room for leeway here. Affairs are very addictive, and if your H continues to even glance at her in passing, they are going to be right back at it (if they aren't already).

If you and your H both agree to recover your M, then you are going to need to go home today, and your H is going to have to quit that school today so that he won't see her again. The two of you will need to commit to never spending another night apart. Regarding your H being in the Navy, there is a forum here on MB for military marriages.