This means that I should return to our place asap if I intend to try to ask him for complete reconciliation? There is no room for leeway here, is there, like waiting until May when he graduates and he/we will inevitably move across the country for the beginning of his Navy orders? I need to hear it, give it to me hard n painful!
Thank you for the responses so far! I very deeply appreciate the help. I am buying the book but having trouble using kindle in this country, going to try to get the audio version. I have read the checklist, I thought that him cutting her off in front of me, blocking all numbers, deleting his facebook acct, etc, and me threatening her with an order against harrassment would be good enough, back in November. I think you are right, so the decision remains if I should return or not, see if he can do it on his own, or directly ask him via email or phone to do it and return once its done.

I am having a hard time understanding where you are coming from. Your description of your situation in not self-consistent. As I understand it, one of two cases apply here:

1) You had already decided to leave your marriage. You undertook your abortion in the belief that being forcing the child to deal with the resultant environment was an unacceptable consequence of your situation. While the �we must destroy the village in order to save it� illogic of this position perplexes me, what I really don�t understand is what you would then want from us. The abortion only made sense in the context of your being single. If you really gave due consideration to the abortion decision, then why the �buyer�s remorse� about actually leaving the marriage now?

2) You really weren�t intending to leave the marriage, and the whole argument for your abortion is just a smokescreen to justify an act of retaliation for your husband�s affair. In this case, I have to hand it to you; I didn�t think there was anything more damaging than a revenge affair, but you found something. The level of viciousness in all of this is mind-numbing.

I don�t know which of these two lines you really want to stand behind. I have to say that I don�t see much hope for your marriage either way. Either you can�t make serious decisions and stick with them, or you fight with such nastiness that you just don�t care who you hurt.

None of this would have happened if the two of you followed the Policy of Joint Agreement to start with. So, I suggest reading more about Marriage Builder�s principles. That way, you will know what to do if ever you find yourself in a similar situation again.

I am having a hard time understanding where you are coming from. Your description of your situation in not self-consistent. As I understand it, one of two cases apply here:

1) You had already decided to leave your marriage. You undertook your abortion in the belief that being forcing the child to deal with the resultant environment was an unacceptable consequence of your situation. While the “we must destroy the village in order to save it” illogic of this position perplexes me, what I really don’t understand is what you would then want from us. The abortion only made sense in the context of your being single. If you really gave due consideration to the abortion decision, then why the “buyer’s remorse” about actually leaving the marriage now?

2) You really weren’t intending to leave the marriage, and the whole argument for your abortion is just a smokescreen to justify an act of retaliation for your husband’s affair. In this case, I have to hand it to you; I didn’t think there was anything more damaging than a revenge affair, but you found something. The level of viciousness in all of this is mind-numbing.

I don’t know which of these two lines you really want to stand behind. I have to say that I don’t see much hope for your marriage either way. Either you can’t make serious decisions and stick with them, or you fight with such nastiness that you just don’t care who you hurt.

None of this would have happened if the two of you followed the Policy of Joint Agreement to start with. So, I suggest reading more about Marriage Builder’s principles. That way, you will know what to do if ever you find yourself in a similar situation again.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.