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No I guess I feel like I am just listing a fact like "he has blonde hair, he is insecure..." It feels like it is just part of who he is. I am honestly not trying to be disrespectful. Calling him insecure is a disrespectful judgment. You are JUDGING him to be insecure. Saying he has blonde hair is not a judgment. Why should he not trust me? I have done nothing but be honest, faithful, loving from day 1. Why do you not trust your husband? How can there be a great marriage without any trust? I honestly don't believe that can happen. Great marriages most certainly ARE NOT based on trust. That is well worn myth. Nor is trust an entitlement. You should stop demanding to be "trusted." Instead of demanding to be "trusted" based on some false old cliche's I would focus on doing everything to alleviate his discomfort. I guess it never felt like a judgment, because he even admits it. Also, it is not just me he appears to be insecure with (although it is the worst with me). I see it in other aspects of his life as well, he even has the controlling attitude toward some of his family members as well. I love him, I want us to be great, I am willing to change my ways for him, but I should not be treated the way I am. I don't think I am entitled to his trust, I think I have earned it....just like he has earned mine throughout the years. This is not a new marriage, this is 13 years of proving to him that I am a faithful trustworthy person. I do agree that marriages are not based on trust, but I don't see how they can be great without trust being one of the contributing factors.
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I get and agree with almost everything that y'all are saying, but I can't fathem how I am doing something wrong by attending boring meetings where I sit and listen to people talk, while he is in another room doing the same thing! You're missing the point.. It doesn't really matter what it is. It could be eating baloney sandwiches. Your husband says "Eating baloney sandwiches really bothers me" And your response is "That's so ridiculous! Nobody should be bothered by that!" You're judge and jury on what should and should not bother someone else.
Last edited by FightTheFight; 02/12/15 03:38 PM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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I guess it never felt like a judgment, because he even admits it. Also, it is not just me he appears to be insecure with (although it is the worst with me). I see it in other aspects of his life as well, he even has the controlling attitude toward some of his family members as well. Stop judging him. love him, I want us to be great, I am willing to change my ways for him, but I should not be treated the way I am. I don't think I am entitled to his trust, I think I have earned it....just like he has earned mine throughout the years. This is not a new marriage, this is 13 years of proving to him that I am a faithful trustworthy person. I do agree that marriages are not based on trust, but I don't see how they can be great without trust being one of the contributing factors. You do not have a trust entitlement so please get off that. We all have great, happy, romantic marriages and we don't afford each other blind trust. You don't need trust, you need good boundaries that make him feel SAFE. Stop demanding a trust entitlement and focus on ways to help him feel SAFE. Demanding trust does not make him feel safe. Great marriages are built on great boundaries, not on "trust." Trust is a feeling we have and that cannot come on DEMAND.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I totally understand that marriage is a compromise Then you do not understand at all, because a GOOD marriage is NOT compromise. Well I guess I don't then. How can two people live together and never compromise? I thought I was doing the right thing by being able/willing to compromise. Have you read about the policy of joint agreement (POJA)? The Policy of Joint Agreement But you first both need to stop all the Love Busters. Will you stop your love busting? Please answer this.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I am willing to change my ways for him, but I should not be treated the way I am. Agreed
Me (42)
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Stamping your feet and demanding trust will help nothing. Taking steps to alleviate his "insecurity" will help everything. Calling him "insecure" is disrespectful and makes the problem much worse.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh absolutely. We are the choir on that one.
In fact you had probably felt compliance would reward his methods, which are abusive.
We can coach you to assertively choose to consider him in everything, while rejecting his lovebusters.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I totally get this. And we already do this somewhat for things like eating out. It is not simple things like this that are the problem. And I understand you are saying apply this idea to the more complicated as well. Surprisingly I think we are good at this concept when it has to do with what we want to do or where to go, etc. Really it just boils down to he doesn't trust me. It really isn't about us not getting along. When he is being himself and not feeling insecure about something, we get along great, and can have a lot of fun together... It is always the not simple things that are harder to negotiate. That is where you both need to become skilled. You don't get along according to what you have told us. He won't feel so insecure if you carry good negotiation habits into all decisions. And you really need to drop the disrespectful judgments. Calling him insecure or demanding "trust" is a great way to start fights. If you want him to trust you more, then start taking his feelings into account in every decision. I don't understand why this is coming across so wrong. I don't demand trust. I have been the complete opposite of that for years and years. I have been hearing his concerns and doing everything in my ability to avoid him feeling uncomfortable. It has not worked. I am only recently to a place where I have been fed up. And we do get along. That is the thing, we get along great, then something will come up that makes him feel this way, then we spiral out of control again. I am finding it harder and harder to forgive after each incident, although I always do.
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In fact you had probably felt compliance would reward his methods, which are abusive. This is what you've been doing. Obviously it hasn't worked! We can coach you to assertively choose to consider him in everything, while rejecting his lovebusters. This will!
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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I totally get this. And we already do this somewhat for things like eating out. It is not simple things like this that are the problem. And I understand you are saying apply this idea to the more complicated as well. Surprisingly I think we are good at this concept when it has to do with what we want to do or where to go, etc. Really it just boils down to he doesn't trust me. It really isn't about us not getting along. When he is being himself and not feeling insecure about something, we get along great, and can have a lot of fun together... It is always the not simple things that are harder to negotiate. That is where you both need to become skilled. You don't get along according to what you have told us. He won't feel so insecure if you carry good negotiation habits into all decisions. And you really need to drop the disrespectful judgments. Calling him insecure or demanding "trust" is a great way to start fights. If you want him to trust you more, then start taking his feelings into account in every decision. I don't understand why this is coming across so wrong. I don't demand trust. I have been the complete opposite of that for years and years. I have been hearing his concerns and doing everything in my ability to avoid him feeling uncomfortable. If you have managed to persuade him his complaints are 'insecure' he may have stopped making as many. You won't get anywhere sweeping it under the rug. Proactively ask what makes him feel safe. Your attitude would make few people feel safe. Also, you haven't done squat. You routinely, once a month at least, do things you know make him unhappy. Quite possibly he would be OK with you stepping to the store or having meetings, if he got a vote. But an attitude of entitlement is very disconcerting.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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That is the thing, we get along great, then something will come up that makes him feel this way, . Then stop it! Don't do ANYTHING which does not have his enthusiastic agreement. Quit the independent behaviour and that good streak will never end.
Last edited by indiegirl; 02/12/15 03:54 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Oh absolutely. We are the choir on that one.
In fact you had probably felt compliance would reward his methods, which are abusive.
We can coach you to assertively choose to consider him in everything, while rejecting his lovebusters. How? This is what I need.
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That is the thing, we get along great, then something will come up that makes him feel this way, . Then stop it! Don't do ANYTHING which does not have his enthusiastic agreement. Quit the independent behaviour and that good streak will never end. That is not true... It always ends even when there is no "independent behavior". Maybe sometimes, and I can work on alleviating that, but a lot of times it comes to a crashing halt when I didn't do anything wrong. It is like living with two totally different people and I never know which one I am going to come home to, or better yet, which one will come home to me.
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I think it would be good to focus your complaints on his behaviors that bother you, rather than complaining about his feelings.
So suppose he feels insecure - that in and of itself is just a feeling. It's not really something he chooses. What he DOES in response to the feeling, on the other hand, is his choice. If he is being demanding, disrespectful, or angry towards you, Dr. Harley would say that that absolute has to stop.
The solution is not for him to get help to stop feeling insecure. The solution is for the two of you to adopt a rule for your marriage that neither one of you will be demanding, disrespectful, or angry toward the other - no matter what.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Then you need to encourage him to let you know in advance what offends him.
Be proactive and stop treating him like Jekyll and Hyde when you are the one making it difficult to communicate complaints.
Calling it insecurity and sweeping it under the rug doesn't help does it?
Your dismissals have forced him into conflict avoidance - which just makes more conflict.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I think it would be good for both of you to learn to welcome complaints in your marriage, and act on them. But it's important to not complain about each other's feelings. Complain about behaviors, especially about your spouse being demanding, disrespectful, or angry. When should you tell your spouse 'We Have a Problem'?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Go check out that radio show! 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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So the first thing you should learn is to walk away when you spouse is having an angry outburst. If you must say something then calmly say "It bothers me when you treat me this way." And WALK AWAY.
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So the first thing you should learn is to walk away when you spouse is having an angry outburst. If you must say something then calmly say "It bothers me when you treat me this way." And WALK AWAY. Thank you I am going to practice this. We were disagreeing again this morning and I did keep my cool and not react in the way I typically would. I am trying.
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I think it would be good to focus your complaints on his behaviors that bother you, rather than complaining about his feelings.
So suppose he feels insecure - that in and of itself is just a feeling. It's not really something he chooses. What he DOES in response to the feeling, on the other hand, is his choice. If he is being demanding, disrespectful, or angry towards you, Dr. Harley would say that that absolute has to stop.
The solution is not for him to get help to stop feeling insecure. The solution is for the two of you to adopt a rule for your marriage that neither one of you will be demanding, disrespectful, or angry toward the other - no matter what. Thank you for this. This makes much more sense, because you're right I have much more of a problem with the way I am being treated and the awful horrible things that have been said to me than I do with the feelings. (The feelings bother me as well, but if they weren't accompanied by everything else it would be a total different story.)
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