I just don't get how y'all have came to all these conclusions about me that are not accurate. I am not the one forcing him to act this way, this is the way he is, he throws low blows and gets really angry at others as well (including his family and sometimes even other co-workers). Yes it is much more often with me, but I am the one that lives with him. I have NOT always dismissed the feelings, for years I have been trying to help alleviate them. Even his own family knows about the issues and they think his actions / feelings are unjust and ridiculous (and he is very close to them).

I do want help, and I am willing to learn and to change. But please quit saying I somehow have caused this, because I have not. It is part of who he was BEFORE I even came into the picture.

He was exhibiting this kind of behavior when you were dating?

Yes. Most of our "dating" we were long distance (we met living in the same town then I went off to college), and I honestly thought the distance was bringing out the negative and that once we were married that would go away. We really enjoyed (and still do when we are getting along) eachother's company, have similar beliefs and interest....I guess you could say there was a lot of good that was outweighing the bad. Never would I have imagined that the same issues would still be going on after 11 years of marriage. I know we can still get along and still have fun, we just need a way to get past all the fighting and low blows that are so destuctful.

bb, we don't believe you have caused this. He owns his own behavior. But we do hold you accountable for dismissing his feelings and making disrespectful judgments. Calling him insecure and dismissing his feelings as unreasonable is very disrespectful and does nothing to solve the problem.

We agree with you that his disrespectful, abusive behavior has to stop.

We agree he was always 'this way'. Feelings are not a decision. He has always been this way. Some people are naturally more protective and jealous and have higher standards.

That is why you cannot criticise or demand a change in feelings. His feelings have to be considered and have to be a factor in all your movements just as if the two of you were rowing a boat side by side.

That's why you can only focus on his behaviours, not his feelings. That is why we are advising you to stop making behavioural actions (which you can change) which disregard his feelings (which he cannot)

Make sense? We've only tackled you on the terms which judge his feelings like insecurity and your right to do certain things against his feelings... not his behaviours.

Low blows and visible anger are behaviours. He can choose not to do them. Now, the 'insecurity' dialougue between you two which talks about his feelings and gives those feelings a disrespectful label just clouds the issue because you are asking him to do the impossible - change his natural feelings which have ALWAYS been there. You are only insulted because of the way he expresses them.

The two of you are locked in a war in which he uses unacceptable behaviours to get you to consider his feelings. You respond by attacking his feelings as unreasonable and insecure and also commit independent behaviour like meetings and going out to the store because you view them as OK - whatever his feelings are.

Both of you need to start using terms like 'It bothers me' to make complaints (rather than accusations about your having an afffair etc) and expect a response where feelings are not judged.

Then if one of you wants to do something (like go out for a bit) try using a 'How would you feel if I....' statement. You need to be willing to accept a 'no'. That way it gives him an opportunity to have a say in what happens.

This removes the need to be so forceful when he has his say. Which should not be tolerated, of course.

bb, can you describe exactly what was said?

If he was being angry or at all disrepectful the most effective thing to do is walk away and not engage at all.

bb84, did you listen to the radio show yet?

Also, bb, you should know that people would be just as hard on your husband if he were the one asking advice. You can only control your behavior. Refrain from entering "2 wrongs" territory.

No, I haven't had a chance to yet. I am in class, the only reason I have been able to respond so much is because my students are taking a test. But I have read just about everything on this site now.

I understand and do I agree that I have been wrong as well. It just felt as if everyone was saying that I have somehow made him like this, when that is just not true.

bb84, there is an app you can download onto your phone. I listen to the radio show every day on my way home from work.

bb,

Would you answer this?

bump