I want to try to keep this brief, but it's a little complicated, please bear with me. I would greatly appreciate any advice. I'm feeling confused, and hopeful for some reason, but I think I may just be deluding myself...

I met my "husband" about 4 years ago when he chatted me up at work. I didn't have a strong attraction to him, but thought he was nice, and decided to go out with him because why not? He grew on me over time, and while the spark was never intense, I was sure he was a good man, and it was smart to blend families with him.

When we started dating, I had a previous (bad) dating relationship that was still on and off. It wasn't going to lead to marriage, but it made me feel high to continue it... I told my "husband" about it, and had not tried to hide my continued communication with this person. We had lunch one day several months into my new relationship, and his friends showed up, and I started drinking. I had an alcohol problem at that time that I wasn't acknowledging, and I didn't know how to say no.. I ended up crashing there, and my "husband" was worried to death about me. He tracked me down eventually, and broke up with me over the phone at which point I did fool around with the ex.

He took me back the next day with certain conditions, but never got over it. I consistently apologized and asked what I could do... but I never realized how hard it was for him.

A little background info here. He is not open with his feelings, is also an undocumented immigrant, and lies both habitually and in a manipulative way to many people in his life. Over the course of our relationship, he gradually revealed that his first marriage broke up due to his own infidelity...

I tend to be naive and think the best of people.. always thought I knew who he really was, and thought back to when we first met when thinking I wanted to preserve our relationship. I also have a school aged child, and he has two that got along great, and I really wanted to preserve their sibling relationship.

2 years into our relationship, he started acting very differently. I had already found out about one infidelity that at that time I thought was a one night stand, but learned later was a long-term relationship.. he explained he'd lost respect for me after what I did.. and I bought it. I said never again..

Then, he wasn't interested in sex for about a week or two, and out of nowhere, (I thought) said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me.. this was while we were planning our marriage.

I was devastated. Tried counseling with him. He broke up with me in the session. I asked him to take several weeks to think about it, with no contact... and to tell me what he wanted. I ended up bailing him out of jail, after which he said he wanted to be with me...

several months after that I found out about the long-term secret life he'd had with another woman, and saw many other flirtations on his phone. He had lied to both of us. I found out I was pregnant days after this realization, and because I felt vulnerable, and still held on to some crazy dream for our family, let him seduce me again.

His sorry's dried up after a few days, and he neglected me during my entire pregnancy, and the early months after our son's birth. He does have a relationship with the baby... and slowly started sleeping at my home more often, but did not show up as a father and spouse the way he said he would.

3 weeks ago I discovered the second long-term secret life/affair. Don't know if he lied to her this time, but he has devastated me...

When I first found out I knew it was over, but know I'm rethinking it for the kids sakes... I don't know if he's a sociopath... he got angry at me at first but has since apologized again, and tells me he misses me.

We've told the kids we're separating... but we were never really together. I considered us married. But he didn't. Is this worth saving? What do I need to ask him to do? What do I need to do? Help!

I'm confused.

Are you and he married or not?

By that, I mean legally and officially, not just calling it the Same Thing As Being Married.

LTL

We are married on paper, (immigration related) and planned to be married for real, but I put off the ceremony when I learned he didn't want to commit

Are you saying you've lied to immigration about actually being married?

Not exactly. We did the paperwork prior to our planned ceremony so that we could start the process earlier.. this was before I learned of his lies/infidelity etc... so at the time we planned to marry in front of friends and family, but haven't yet

I considered myself committed, but he didn't.. the paperwork is not what I'm talking about...

I am trying to figure out if this relationship falls into the "worth preserving" category, or the "choose differently" category.

We have 3 older children, and a baby...

He may be willing to do some work, and if he is, I will meet him halfway, but I don't know what to ask him to do..

I don't know if I should treat this as a marriage worth saving, or a dating relationship that could turn into a marriage (but at this point... would take a heck of a lot more work than a typical dating relationship)

Are you saying you went through a marriage ceremony to get him his immigration status? Was this a legal ceremony? If so, what was the other ceremony you were planning?

Our friends and family think we are engaged.

He has never proposed or given me a ring, but we talked about marriage, and planned for it prior to July of 2013 when I learned about his first long term affair, and my pregnancy in the same week.

Can you answer a straight question with a straight answer?

Are you legally married by the laws of your state?

if you are here to play games, I think people have better ways to spend their time.

In the state I live in a couple can legally marry without an officiate. Sorry, I forgot that is unusual. We are legally married, but did not have a marriage ceremony, just filled out the forms.

I personally view a public ceremony as more of a binding procedure than state paperwork, and we planned originally on doing this just months after we signed our marriage certificate, but things changed.

And, SugarCane, please be respectful. I am not here to play games. I'm looking for help.

If you are not here to play games, then why is it taking so many posts for us to get a straight answer about your legal marital status? Can you please be respectful and give a clear answer?

I believe I did.

I have never heard of this written marriage, but not married thingie before.

Sooo.....


I'm still confused.

Are you and he married or not?

By that, I mean legally and officially, not just calling it the Same Thing As Being Married.

LTL

No it isn't. If you are legally married then file divorce. if you aren't legally married then walk away.

We are legally married.

So you lie and deceive people too?

Married by a Judge or Justice Of The Peace???

Were the forms turned in and certified?

After 15ish posts, the answer still does not seem to really answer the question.

Regardless, IF you choose to fight for this ???Marriage??? it will be a much more significant struggle to turn around than the typical affairs due to the repeated continuation of his behaviour.

LTL