I just wanted to share this - it's amazing how my perspective on things has changed since I found this forum.

Last night a friend and I were talking and she started complaining about her DH. She was so angry and described how they had a big fight because she spent $25 on something w/out asking him. She said he is a control freak and all he cares about is money but in her description of their fight he said "I would have been fine with it but I just wish you would ask me first!"

It made her so angry because she doesn't care if he spends money on things so why does he care that she does?

Before I found MB I would have thought -- what is UP with him? $25? How stingy is he? And how unfair that he can spend $25 without consulting her but it's not OK if she does it?

Now I am thinking things like "That was an independent behavior on her part and it's very frustrating for many to spouses to not be asked in advance." and "Spending the $25 without asking first is a love buster for him, but his spending money is not a love buster for you, so that's why it's "ok" for him to do it but not for you." and "It's really not asking to much for you to say something first, had you, this fight never would have occurred.

Of course telling her any of that would have completely confused and upset her.

I tried to tell her about the marriage builders website but she wanted to vent and was not looking for advice. I certainly did not attempt to tell her she was committing love busters. Everywhere I turn now I see married people committing LBs, IBs, DJs, etc! They all need Dr. Harley's help!

I still struggle putting some of these concepts into practice but my perspective has definitely shifted.

We are sure very thankful for Dr. Harley, aren't we?

Don't you wish everyone could learn POJA? That would eliminate all love busters, wouldn't it?

And yet, if they were to follow the PoJA bilaterally, not only would the argument not have occurred, her justification/rationalization would not exist, either!

Yeah, it gets hard to keep your lip buttoned, doesn't it!

Just let her see how well you're doing an she will start begging you for advice instead of merely venting.

I have a friend who has started to hint for this, but I still don't - she's not ready - yet.

But I wouldn't give unsolicited advice.

She sounds much like me when I arrived here. I accused my husband of being "controlling" because he objected to my purchasing a Jeep without consulting with him! I would commit independent behavior all the time and then accuse him of being "controlling" when he said anything.

YES very thankful to Dr. Harley. What I keep thinking is how counter-intuitive some much of this is to me. At least with our culture in the U.S. where people are "independent." (Which I love, I just see how with marriage you need interdependence.)

But once it's explained it makes such sense. Light-bulbs go on in my head over so many past things.

LOL oh my gosh, I can't decide if I'm incredibly impressed or horrified!

I am not typically the one for IB in my relationship. But ironically, an IB on my part was what prompted my research that led me to this site.

What was started as my attempt to share in a "perfect day" for my husband went dreadfully awry due to a series of ugly incidents that piled up to ruin the day for him.

I was only involved in 2 of the incidents, but the one that sent his frustration over the edge was something I knew full well would infuriate him, but it seemed so small to me (like your head of lettuce) that I believed he should be ashamed to be upset about it. So I talked myself into doing it anyway. This was out of character for me but I felt I needed to be less passive/compliant and more of an equal.

SO... I ate popcorn sitting beside him at a ball game that was very special to him. He is very sensitive to sounds and smells and loathes the smell of popcorn, the sound of chewing, and the fear of my hindquarters expanding.

Pre popcorn purchas I told myself: I am in an open air venue. I earn money. I am not fat. I don't tell him what to eat. The guy beside me 1 foot further away from him is eating popcorn and he's not even noticed. Who is he to dictate what I eat? If I want popcorn, I need to get popcorn and I shouldn't be afraid he'll be annoyed. I am an American! I do not need my husband's "permission." And he's eaten it with me before so I think he's just making up his hatred of the smell to control what I eat..."

So yeah, I knew it would bug him before I did it....

Double ironic was that the popcorn was terrible but even if it had been delicious the waves of anger and frustration radiating off him would have ruined it regardless.

Now I think - if he says it bothers him I don't need to judge why. I can eat it when he's not around if I really want it. And to become an equal by requesting what I want in the marriage and pleasantly letting him know what bothers me. As opposed to doing something I know he hates.

Same here. Whether it was IB, OS relationships/boundaries, DJs...I was really mixed up on a lot of these things when I first got here. I knew how I personally felt about a lot of these things, but I didn't have any way of knowing what was truly healthy/unhealthy for a marriage and more than simply just my opinion. There are so many different messages out there about relationships and what is good or bad for them, and a lot of it is nonsense, but you don't know what you don't know.

I would be a lot less hopeful about my future if I hadn't discovered the excellent framework Dr. Harley has laid out.

AnyWife,

Once you get familiar with MB it's easy to see how lying about how much you spent on a pair of shoes ultimately leads to an affair or affairs.

Perhaps the best indirect compliment for MB came from my W who told me that I would be picked up quickly were I single because of how I treat women. This was not something she would have ever said prior to MB.

God Bless
Gamma