Have the book, but I don't recall a script. If you know what page it is on, please let me know.

I don't remember seeing a script.

You ask him politely AGAIN.

I understand that. What does that look like?

If H knows I don't like whistling...I have expressed how it bothers me and asked how he would feel about not doing it around me. H has already said he would not, but forgets and starts whistling five minutes later....what is the polite wording to ask him to stop again?

The polite wording is to just ask him again. Keep it very short and respectful. There is no need to up the ante. Complaints are not easy to receive.

Everybody forgets sometimes. What I do when I get a complaint is to add a little insurance. If my DH says something that I do bothers him, I thank him for telling me and say that I would appreciate being told again if I forget.

I guess I am very confused....

It would be nice to have a list of examples.

Why are you confused? I gave you an example above. "How would you feel about.....?"

If I just asked him five minutes ago how would he feel, and he says no problem I won't do it.....then five minutes later I ask the exact same question - it seems very condescending to me. I would be angry if someone kept asking the same thing over and over.

I am wondering about wording to use when the same behavior is occurring 10 times an hour.

If he refuses to stop annoying behavior then that is another issue entirely. Since you have signed up for the online course, that is something your coach can help with.

So....I have completed the online seminar and electronically completed the questionnaires as instructed by Kim. This week was pretty good b/c my husband and I tried to be nice and meet each other's needs, and we tried to avoid topics of contention. Things went well until yesterday.

We went for a hike with two of the kids and the dogs. It was a beautiful day out. My H kept yelling at the kids and dogs (somewhat reasonable reasons). H complained a lot and brought up the topic of buying a house. I said I was open to the idea, but I wanted to avoid the problems of the last house we bought. I said the most important items to me were high ceilings in the living room, a gourmet kitchen, and a pleasing style. The kitchen is the one thing I really really care about. H said it was unlikely I would get that. I suggested maybe we could remodel the kitchen prior to moving in then? H said was unlikely and maybe we could come up with a plan over time. Then he told me about a house he wants that I don't think we could afford, has a bad kitchen, is in a location I don't like, etc....and said we should look at it. I don't want to. I didn't make a big deal bc am trying to avoid fighting.

I also learned from my daughter that my in laws want to attend a trip we are supposed to go on for her dance. I thought it would be nice for H and I to take her or for the entire family to go. H now says no. One of us should go bc we hate each other and he made up another excuse. I have a suspicion he already spoke with his mother and decided he would go alone and they can go with him.

We had a terrible date night last night as usual.

Today I asked H if he completed the seminar and questionnaires (Kim our coach called us to urge us to complete them). He has not yet done so and told me to quit lecturing (I literally asked the question nicely by text in one sentence).

What do I do now?

I would do what Kim advised and be sure and avoid any fighting.

Ok. It is very difficult to avoid fighting. I am keeping myself separated from him by staying in another room and not talking to him at all

He ordered a salad for dinner for me without asking. He is mad I wish he would have asked what I wanted prior to ordering.

I started this thread to get ideas of how to phrase. I see many people who come here and need these specifics. Speaking habits which seem normal to us may sound offensive to our spouse.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=169449&Number=2758796#Post2758796

Philosophical debates can feel offensive. When ideas are shared instead of debated, it is pleasant. A debate is a competition.

I can see why you are avoiding him but this isn't the best strategy to get what you want. How can he ask your preferences for dinner if you've purposefully avoided communicating with him?

How are you holding up emotionally? Are you able to spend some time with him initially, politely and cheerfully every day? Only retreating if arguments start? That way he is motivated to keep your now reliable pleasantness going. Right now he is trying to goad you out of hiding instead.

My thoughts on the house issue is that it's too big an issue for your negotiation skills. You both are clinging to one solution you each desperately want. You want a specific kitchen - he goes further and wants a specific house!

I might go see it in your shoes but only to point out its plusses - things you would like to see in a different house perhaps.

For what reason do you want the specific kitchen requirements? Do you have any ideas as to how you could go without them? Even if these ideas are a bit out there they are ways of showing how deeply you are considering it.

I thought the renovation before moving in was a great start - keep going like that. You could eat out more during a period of renovation, your husband could take over cooking, you could have barbecue meals...

Even if none of these ring the bell you could say these are your ideas so far, you aren't finding a fit - can he suggest anything else?

We don't need to make a decision on the house right now. Our lease is up in July, but we are month to month after that. We had a normal talk about buying and decided together to wait and rent. Then, the next day H came to me and said I should look into getting a home loan. This happens all the time.... I think we have decided something and H either says we didn't or changes his mind without talking to me.

Our last house we owned was a disaster. It was too big and we couldn't get everything done to it that we wanted to. I don't want to end up there again. I am the primary cook in the house and enjoy entertaining (although we don't entertain). I like having a nice kitchen. He told me today after reading my post here that he isn't going to force a house on me. When we try to negotiate, I feel like my opinions don't matter at the time.

Money is the main issue on house shopping. We lost 150k on our last house and live in an expensive area where houses cost in the millions. Not having a kitchen for a while wouldn't matter bc we could live in the rental still.

H can text me if he needs to. He me today that I am a c_ _ _ and he hopes I die, so I really don't want to be around him.

Why are you trying to have a marriage with someone who talks to you like that?

I am unsure which would be worse. Staying or going. I thinking leaving would be worse. I would have to be the one to go, and I could not take the kids bc of finances. I don't want to hurt the children.

I have friends who went through terrible divorces, and I believe ours would be like that.

Your situation is not clear to me. The post you made at the top of this thread pointed to problems that are nothing like the post you made just now. At the top of the thread, and later on, it appeared that you and your husband were mutually disrespectful. However, what you have just posted shows that he is verbally abusive in a way that is intolerable. Do your coach and Dr Harley know that he makes these sorts of comments to you? I should have thought that if they did, they would be suggesting much more urgent solutions than for you both to "avoid fighting".

What was the context in which this was said (not that any context makes it acceptable or understandable)?

I don't believe that women in America cannot take their kids and leave abusive husbands. Your husband has a duty to support his kids. If his earnings are so low that his support would be minute, you need to plan for a separation by working on your career or education. I've heard Dr Harley to tell women to plan to leave in two years, in cases where they have no job and their education does not allow them to find one immediately.

I don't wish to override the advice from your coach and Dr H, though, so I would like to know what you have told them about statements like the above, and what their long-term goal for you is, especially if your H won't complete the seminars and questionnaires.

Send a copy of that text to your coach, right now, and ask for advice.