|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I meant to edit 'children' because I know the OP has one small daughter.
A small daughter who should be loved for her own sake, not because her mother knuckles under.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45 |
I kind of feel attacked a little Indiegirl. I did take the exposure route, and everyone that I told will not speak to him nor her. However, he got to his mother before I could, which it wouldn't have mattered, she hated me anyway because I actually stood for something and wouldn't take her crap or kiss her rear end. I didn't know how to get in touch with her family. As I said in an earlier post, he felt since everyone already knew about the affair, he was so far gone that he might as well throw in the towel. His affair was with a coworker, he works in a highly paid position, he would not cut off contact with her or change locations so he wouldn't have to see her again. I asked him to change his cell phone number and the answer was no. I do not knuckle under, I do bend to try to keep peace and not fight and argue with him in front of my daughter, whom might I add is 5 years old and is at no age to understand my telling her that her daddy had an affair. I stand up to him when I feel it is necessary. However, I do wish I did have a stronger backbone. One of the things that has stopped me from going full speed ahead at this human being is that I am afraid if I piss him off too much he will take me to court and try to fight me for 50/50 custody of our daughter, and at this point my love and time spent with her is the only thing that's keeping me above water. Not only did this man take away my future of a long prosperous marriage watching our daughter grow up together, he's taken every other weekend from me (which is all he asked for) the last thing my sanity needs is more time taken from me with my child.
Last edited by Iamenough; 02/18/15 03:33 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45 |
One of my friends (a wife of one of my husband's coworkers) actually asked me while he was out of town this time last year if I thought he was having an affair because he was acting so strangely. I told her definitely not, he'd never do that. 3 days later I was staying at my mother's house because I found out he was having an affair. What's the situation with that friend now? She no longer speaks to me and is now friends with the OW. They all hang out together all the time just like we used to. What is WRONG with people? How can a woman that knows the OW was messing around with her friends husband be friends with her? Because their husbands are coworkers and close friends? I don't know, but things like that and both of their families welcoming this affair like it was some kind of smooth transition will really make one question their whole life and if they've been doing something wrong all these years.
Last edited by Iamenough; 02/18/15 03:50 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I know you feel attacked and I dont like to get bootcampy with some one who has been abused in the worst way for over a year. But I dont know how else to get you to stop supporting adultery. To stop feeling 'grateful' when your daughter is given scraps from her dad. You've decided being 'civil' is the only way to get her some love - and she knows it. One of my friends (a wife of one of my husband's coworkers) actually asked me while he was out of town this time last year if I thought he was having an affair because he was acting so strangely. I told her definitely not, he'd never do that. 3 days later I was staying at my mother's house because I found out he was having an affair. What's the situation with that friend now? She no longer speaks to me and is now friends with the OW. They all hang out together all the time just like we used to. What is WRONG with people? How can a woman that knows the OW was messing around with her friends husband be friends with her? Because their husbands are coworkers and close friends? I don't know, but things like that and both of their families welcoming this affair like it was some kind of smooth transition will really make one question their whole life and if they've been doing something wrong all these years. You break bread with OW. Chat to her. They have your phone number. Regardless of what you feel inside - outwardly they have your support. How can other people take a stand when you don't?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I'm sorry he said no to you changing your number?
What?
You asked!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I do bend to try to keep peace and not fight and argue with him in front of my daughter, whom might I add is 5 years old and is at no age to understand my telling her that her daddy had an affair. Plan Bers never fight and argue because they don't chit chat with adulterers. They have no contact at all because it is like having contact with your rapist. They also expose to any child over the age of four because it is massively confusing when you are abandoned - but all the adults act like this is OK and that you the child must deserve it. We have had many children respond extremely well to exposure. I've heard countless good responses, never bad ones. My five year old niece and six year old nephew lost their best friends due to my ex's affair. They were able to understand it and had a more mature and moral reaction than most adults. She has noticed this woman. She already knows he has a girlfriend. She has noticed her dad is gone. It's only kind to explain why and put fault were it deserves. She is also going to have wondered about your sadness unless she has blamed herself for that too. I am afraid if I piss him off too much he will take me to court and try to fight me for 50/50 custody of our daughter, and at this point my love and time spent with her is the only thing that's keeping me above water. . That's ridiculous. He doesn't even want her overnight and his main motive in seeing her is to abuse you and make sure you're not out on dates. He's not going to allow you that much free time to meet someone. You are jumping at shadows. What's to stop him running you into the ground over the next few years until you are unfit to parent and then going for full custody come to that? We've seen it happen when the BS relies on appeasement rather than a lawyer and a plan.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45 |
No, when I found out about the affair I asked him to change his number and change divisions with his job to be away from the OW so we could try to work things out. He said he'd never do that.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Please read this and listen to the clips. Pay attention to the new entry at the very end of this thread where a BW told her 8 & 5 year old children and how the children were blaming themselves for their dad leaving. Exposing to Children
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45 |
He does "say" he wants overnight, but he allowed the OW to move in, so our daughter cannot stay there until they marry or break up. So, obviously he doesn't want overnights and moving the OW in was a much better option for him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Please read this and listen to the clips. Pay attention to the new entry at the very end of this thread where a BW told her 8 & 5 year old children and how the children were blaming themselves for their dad leaving. Exposing to ChildrenDid you read this thread?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45 |
Please read this and listen to the clips. Pay attention to the new entry at the very end of this thread where a BW told her 8 & 5 year old children and how the children were blaming themselves for their dad leaving. Exposing to ChildrenDid you read this thread? I did!! 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
This is the typical difference we see when Plan B is implemented. For myself, Plan B was absolutely glorious and gave me an entirely new life. Without it we see BWs succumb to very serious health problems. .
When we do see each other in person to transfer the children his behavior towards me swings wildly. One day he won't even look at me and the next time he wants to chat about his personal life like we are best friends. It usually depends on whether or not his AP is with him during the transfers, but not always. Well, for the past 6 months I have taken a huge step away from my exWH and it has been glorious for me. I took the advice here and have left it up to him to be a parent. I put information about doctor's appointments and major school events on the joint calendar so I am not in violation of the custody order but everything else I leave for him to figure out on his own.
I've also stopped trying to force the relationship between him and the kids by arranging everything between them. As a result, he rarely has any contact with them at all. It has been 3 months since he has seen them and he will go for weeks at a time without any text messages to our daughter. He never calls, so contact with our 4 year only happens when he sees him.
I am doing fabulous and I have returned to school to get my master's degree, which has been something I wanted to do since I got my undergrad degree 14 yrs ago. I feel great and almost guilty some days because I see myself as better off divorced than I was married. It is funny how I went from thinking my life was over when he left to being happy he is gone.
My kids are doing ok, not great, but ok. I've had my daughter in counselling for 10 months now and it is helping, but she has a long way to go. She started in the gifted program at school this year and that has helped her self esteem and confidence tremendously, but she is still struggling with the loss of her father. THe kids and I have new routines and standards as a family of 3 and every day it gets to be more the norm for them.
I wanted to pop back on here and thank everyone who gave me advice on this thread and the countless threads of other people that I read and learned from.
Maybe I'll be back when I'm ready to date! I have two requirements for any future partner. 1) God is first in their life and 2) They are willing to follow the MB plan In your shoes, I'd explain to your daughter what's been happening and why seeing her father is upsetting to you. Id also encourage her to talk to you about her concerns - and she should be told she should ask her dad if she wants to as well. No fake interpretation of his feelings 'daddy still loves you' etc - just tell her to ask him so he is the one dealing with it. I'd also put a set in stone visitation in place. I bet he's just been coming by whenever the family mood takes him. No - your daughter needs routine and you want it running like clockwork. Set out that he can have set times on set days. If he's not available then he misses a turn. If he is a no show log it and have the IM remind him of the need to cancel 48hrs in advance (the great thing about an IM is everything is recorded on email). I dont know how you feel about overnights, but I would also offer an overnight visitation schedule 'for when overnight provision including her own room for DD is ready'. This throws the gauntlet down to him to step up and actually parent her while he has absolutely no way to argue about it. He either does it or does not. You will also have it on record that you offered/encouraged this. I've IMd for many people with children and the only time it doesn't work is when the BW stays in contact - the arguments just continue. When she's strict, I'm amazed at how often the most intractable and argumentative waywards just start obeying the schedule -and actually start parenting the kids. The Plan B kids I've IMd for don't even take a bag to their dad's house - he has everything ready.
Last edited by indiegirl; 02/19/15 07:10 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
A good way to handle school events would be to tell him he goes only on the days he has visitation. If he shows up on your time, up and leave.
I would send the schedule and the IMs details in a letter outlining you cannot have contact with him due to the high conflict nature of your relationship. You should prepare for Plan B first though and see a lawyer about implementing a parrallel parenting arrangement.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45 |
Unfortunately, I cannot stop him from coming to his daughters events. Also, about overnights, my attorney advised me never to go against the divorce decree, and the decree states that she isn't to be at his house past 10pm with anyone that isn't a blood relative, or related by marriage. All of these things sound wonderful however.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Unfortunately, I cannot stop him from coming to his daughters events. Also, about overnights, my attorney advised me never to go against the divorce decree, and the decree states that she isn't to be at his house past 10pm with anyone that isn't a blood relative, or related by marriage. All of these things sound wonderful however. Oh goody, your local laws have not entirely been given over to beelzebub then if she's not allowed to see an actual affair in progress overnight. In that case you have no need to offer overnights. Oh and it goes without saying your MiL would not have your number in Plan B, nor any other affair supporter you exposed to. Plan B is a safe place. I would read the parallel parenting thread, IM training thread and how to Plan B correctly.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Unfortunately, I cannot stop him from coming to his daughters events. I knew a Plan Ber with the same issue. She would just hand the camcorder to her friend, who took the children home, and leave the event. Eventually the wayward realised it was not working and quit it. That was a very persistent wayward. One time he showed up at her house throwing snowballs and making a general nuisance of himself. She considered calling the cops but instead just opted for a bubble bath with headphones. It's been years now since he's given her any trouble.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
We all had to sit at a table with my daughter like a happy family. This is a choice. I get the feeling you and your parents are too timid to speak up and tell this woman she should be ashamed to show her face at your house, DD's school etc. No way would I just sit there and act like a happy family. If you/your family make it unpleasant for her to be there she will likely go away. I am not saying act crazy but you need to apply pressure so she won't want to come. ETA: Just because a parent is allowed to attend school functions, does not mean that parent can bring other guests on campus. You should talk to the school admin and see if the OW can be forbidden to come on campus since she is not a parent. Given that you have custody during school hours, you should be able to control this. ExWh may be able to come on campus but that doesn't mean you have to give access to anyone else unless you authorize it. What does the "exchanges are ok" mean? Are you or your family letting him into your house? Are you letting him bring OW to the front door or come in too? What is in your decree about exchanges and are you going to talk to the school staff about letting this woman on campus? She is not a parent.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Please read this and listen to the clips. Pay attention to the new entry at the very end of this thread where a BW told her 8 & 5 year old children and how the children were blaming themselves for their dad leaving. Exposing to ChildrenDid you read this thread? I did!! So when will be telling your daughter the truth about her dad?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 45 |
We all had to sit at a table with my daughter like a happy family. This is a choice. I get the feeling you and your parents are too timid to speak up and tell this woman she should be ashamed to show her face at your house, DD's school etc. No way would I just sit there and act like a happy family. If you/your family make it unpleasant for her to be there she will likely go away. I am not saying act crazy but you need to apply pressure so she won't want to come. ETA: Just because a parent is allowed to attend school functions, does not mean that parent can bring other guests on campus. You should talk to the school admin and see if the OW can be forbidden to come on campus since she is not a parent. Given that you have custody during school hours, you should be able to control this. ExWh may be able to come on campus but that doesn't mean you have to give access to anyone else unless you authorize it. What does the "exchanges are ok" mean? Are you or your family letting him into your house? Are you letting him bring OW to the front door or come in too? What is in your decree about exchanges and are you going to talk to the school staff about letting this woman on campus? She is not a parent. My decree says nothing specific about exchanges. It just states the time and days that she is to be exchanged. He brings her to the door at my parents home, and on most evenings I open the door and let her come in, he tells her goodnight and that he loves her and I close the door. I will contact the school, however I feel sure that there is nothing that can be done about him bringing his girlfriend to his daughters school functions. She will soon become his wife I am sure and will be considered my daughters step mother. What good does all this discord do my daughter? Would it not be better for her to know that she is surrounded by many people that love her and for me to just deal with the heartache on my own terms? It stinks, the situation stinks, however, he is with the OW and he has no plans of leaving the OW. I do not want her to think that I want to co-parent with her or be her friend, but I cannot spend all my time trying to make sure I exclude them from her life either because I can't handle seeing their faces. What good am I doing my daughter to try to shut her dad out of her life? I will take all honest and up front answers here, but everything I've seen just feels like it would create more friction and problems between myself and my ex. I just want to feel normal 
Last edited by Iamenough; 02/19/15 03:32 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
So you'd rather continue to lie to your daughter? What happens when she does find out (and they always do) and wonders why her mother lied to her?
You don't think your DD some how blames herself? Until kids find out the truth they tend to blame themselves for their parents breakup.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
147
guests, and
46
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,613
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
