Short version of the story up until now: Discovered 5 weeks ago that my wife has been having an affair with another woman for the last 5 months or so. We've been married 19 years (vast majority VERY happy - last couple years have been rough) and have 2 older elementary age kids. I had no idea she was bisexual (or whatever she is) She refuses to stop seeing the OW and is currently "deciding on who she wants to spend her future with." I have exposed to close friends and am currently in Plan A - showing her the man I can be.

I've been outwardly doing well. Lost a bunch of weight and in general being the guy I should have been for the last couple years. The wife seems to be responding well to me, but is "in love" with the other woman and just can't detach. She's moved out (not staying with the OW but seeing her regularly), but is at home 5 days of the weeks to spend time with the kids and me. Far from an ideal situation. I tried having her live at home in Plan A, but seeing her leave to be with the OW was more than I could take. We both agreed that her staying somewhere now else is for the best (it wasn't a kick out type deal).

Here's my question: I'm really struggling with my emotions while in Plan A. I want to be the strong and confident man required, but seeing her is really really painful right now. How do I keep myself together while in Plan A so I can last as long as possible? I'm seeing a dr. for antidepressants next week and am exercising a lot, but the idle time and just saying goodbye every night is flooring me. I literally can't think of anything else.

Help.

Hello FamilyMan!

The good news is that lesbian affairs are the most fragile, and the easiest to break up. Here is what Dr. Harley says about them:


Invite your wife home. It will be easier to Plan A her if she is at home with you. A problem I see here is that you "agreeing" to her living somewhere else as being "best" can very easily be interpreted by her that you don't care for her.

The antidepressants will greatly help you deal with this.

Does she work with this woman?

Hi, FamilyMan, Welcome to MB.

Where did your wife meet the OW?

Have you also exposed to your families? How about to the friends and family of the OW?

You should invite your wife to live at home with you again and continue Plan A for about six months. With ADs, you should probably be able to manage that long. It's very difficult to do a great Plan A while she is living away from you.

Something to keep in mind: Plan A is not Plan Doormat. You need to be respectfully complaining to her on a regular basis just how much this affair is hurting you. Don't beat her up over it, don't be disrespectful or angry, but calmly tell her "This relationship you have with OW really hurts me and our children. We need it to end."

Welcome to MB.

Dr Harley would have urged you to avoid having her move out, even with your both agreeing that it was for the best. It isn't for the best. The best deal would have been for her to remain in the home with you, so that your Plan A had the best chance of working.

I know she is probably relieved and happier to be away from the unpleasant atmosphere at home, but what you have allowed is for her to have the freedom to see OW whenever she likes, and you have made it harder for your Plan A to reach her.

When you say you exposed to close friends, did that include your parents and hers? Did you expose to your children? (How old are they?) And what about on OW's side: what do you know about her? Was she married or in a relationship when she met your wife? Have you contacted her parents? Children? What have you told all these people about the affair?

The anti-depressants are probably the only thing that will help. Additionally, Dr Harley would suggest that you ask her to move back into the home. You have to make her believe that home would not be an unpleasant place for her if she did move back in.

Who did you expose to on OW's side?

I dont blame you for not wanting her in the house.
I was devastated when my wife would come and go to have sex with her affair partner.
Its tough but your best chance to win her back is invite her back and be treated like a doormat until she breaks up with the other woman. Then you will be her second / backup option.

The other option is to file for divorce and you may get primAry custody since she left the house.

Have you posted on this forum before?

You know, I don't have a lot of hope when someone comes here after having shopped around for advice on other forums, when they fudge the details of what has happened, and they post and don't come back for long time.

I read your very long thread on a forum where they talk about marriage, and throw opinions around and slam Dr Harley's Plan A.

After weeks of reluctantly following some of the conflicting advice you got there, and after having gone to counselling with your wife (which pushed you towards the "let her sort this out on her own" enabling mindset), you, in fact, asked your wife to leave, and she agreed. You then agreed that she could come to the house daily to see the kids.

You have also consulted a lawyer about divorce. I cannot face reading any more of that thread to see where you are on that, and whether you have filed. I also cannot find details of whom you have exposed to. You were reluctant to expose at all, and the phrase "close friends" that you used here seems like a pre-emptive brush off. I doubt that you have exposed at all.

You currently seem to be saying that you strongly want to reconcile your marriage, but will not do anything to persuade your wife to come home or work on reconciliation. You are convinced that she needs time alone to work on her sexuality and come to a decision.

This situation is a mess caused by your taking bits of advice from here and there and mixing those with your own instincts. I don't have any hope that you are here to learn about Dr Harley's plans and to focus on his recommended course of action, from beginning to end with no deviations. If you were, you'd have come back to respond to the advice, after you made your first post.

The only reason you appear to have come here is to ask how you can keep yourself together while your wife visits the kids every day and goes back to OW afterwards. Well, the answer to that is simple and you are already doing it: the anti-depressants that you are already seeking will help smooth out your emotions.

As for the bigger picture; I think you will continue doing what you are doing, which is to give your wife space to sort out her sexuality - as if this affair is different because it involves someone of the same sex.

This affair needs aggressive action just like any other, if you want to recover your marriage. OW needs to be widely exposed, your children need to be told what their mother is doing, and since OW appears to live locally (your wife met her at the gym), you need to move away from the area eventually. You need to offer your wife the prospect of a recovered marriage in a new area, and you need to ask her to make a choice and go NC with OW.

The living at home thing was really tough - knowing she was leaving to go be with the other woman killed me. But I can bring it up with her.

She doesn't work with the other woman

She met her on match.com (my wife went looking). I have exposed her friends and her familiy, but not mine (yet). Concerned that would make later reconciliation difficult and they really aren't in a place of influence. That my change in the near future as I need more support.

How about the OW's friends and family? You also need to make it uncomfortable for the OW to continue the relationship. I'm in the same boat as you, by the way. I feel for you. In my case the OW is a co-worker.

Also, consider e-mailing the radio show and giving your contact info. If you're comfortable being on the radio (anonymously), you can get specific advice from Dr. Harley (free of charge).

The fact that she was trolling for action is going to be something really hard to overcome. She went looking for an affair. A lot of the veterans can comment on that but if makes the marriage very difficult to recover.

Your initial post was about how to handle idle time and contact with your wife.

I can't comment on contact as I have no contact with my wife, but I would recommend you find something to do with your idle time that is fulfilling and makes you feel accomplished. Like a project of some sort.

I know for me, it's been easy to feel like my whole life is on hold because of all of the chaos an affair and the disintegration of a marriage brings. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can make progress on something important in your life right now, and it will greatly help you with staying focused on your future and not the affair. Find a hobby or a project and dig in.

I am making the assumption that your idle time is away from your WW. Is that correct?