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Please read this and listen to the clips. Pay attention to the new entry at the very end of this thread where a BW told her 8 & 5 year old children and how the children were blaming themselves for their dad leaving. Exposing to ChildrenDid you read this thread? I did!!  So when will be telling your daughter the truth about her dad? I have been separated from her dad since February 18th of 2014. He told her the day we left that "Daddy had done some very bad things to hurt mommy and we would be going to stay with gammy for a while until daddy could figure some things out" It hasn't been discussed with my daughter since. I feel that I will discuss it and tell her when I feel the time is right, or when she starts asking questions, which I feel will be very soon because she is wise beyond her years. That's just how I feel about the situation. I don't think children should be lied to, but I also don't think that telling her would benefit her anymore that what she's already been told. She's had some major attachment issues with me, not wanting to be away from me for school and occasionally not wanting to go to her dads, I don't want to make that any worse by telling her things about her dad that I don't think she's ready to hear mentally. I don't want her to feel as though she has to choose between us because her dad did something bad. It's not a good place to put a 5 year old in my opinion.
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So you'd rather continue to lie to your daughter? What happens when she does find out (and they always do) and wonders why her mother lied to her?
You don't think your DD some how blames herself? Until kids find out the truth they tend to blame themselves for their parents breakup. Brainhurts - I answered your question in another thread, and I am not lying to my daughter. She hasn't asked me any questions.
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Then you can't do MB.
Good luck.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Then you can't do MB.
Good luck. So, basically what you're telling me is that since I will not pull my daughter into a conversation out of the blue, one year after her dad and I separated and say "Hey babe, I just wanted to let you know that daddy had a girlfriend on the side and that's a big no no in marriages, that's why we aren't together" that I am not worthy of help on this forum? Indie, did you read where my ex spoke to her on D day and told her that he had done some bad things and we would be separating until it could be sorted out? That's not a good enough explanation for a 5 year old for you? That automatically opts me out of advice and encouragement? Since I cannot stop him from bringing his girlfriend to school functions and I will not leave my daughters functions and miss out on important times in her life that I am not fit for MB? I am all for the middle man and having someone to do exchanges for me, handling the communication etc. but at what point do I accept that this is how my life is, that I now share a child with a man that I was once married to, that my daughter still loves very much, and try to have some sort of normalcy?
Last edited by Iamenough; 02/19/15 04:44 PM.
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It has nothing to do with worthiness. The plan doesn't work if you don't follow it, and you have indicated that you are not going to follow it.
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"Hey babe, I just wanted to let you know that daddy had a girlfriend on the side and that's a big no no in marriages, that's why we aren't together" What is wrong with telling her that?
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It has nothing to do with worthiness. The plan doesn't work if you don't follow it, and you have indicated that you are not going to follow it. How in the world can anyone keep the OW away from a child that goes to their fathers every other weekend when the OW lives there? Am I really supposed to get up and leave functions of MY daughters because he decides to bring the OW? Just like kindergarten orientation in August. She came with him, nothing I could do, and I was NOT leaving my babies kindergarten orientation. What haven't I followed? We told our daughter why we were separating in terms that her sweet little heart could understand. I followed plan B the best way I could. My divorce papers say that we are to keep each other informed of the child's health, schooling and outside activities so that BOTH parents can be involved. How can I do that? I communicate via e-mail or text message with him. Never in person and NEVER on the phone.
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There would have been nothing wrong with telling her that in the beginning. I just don't know that it is a good idea to just bring this up out of the blue, a year later when I have just gotten her back to a comfortable place and not feeling anxious all the time.
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No one can make you follow MB. You're free not to. I don't understand, though, why you would get all upset with Indy over it. You're the one not following the program.
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I'm not going to judge your decision - but it does make it impossible to follow the plans.
You can't do this if your daughter is not clued in on why you are doing no contact.
So, genuinely, good luck.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I am not upset with Indie, her information has been valuable to me. I just caught the vibe that since I don't quite understand how doing some of these things will help my emotional well being and not harm it, that I am not welcome here. I also feel like I am put in a bad light because my ex husband had an affair and I am not lashing out and making it near impossible for my daughter to feel comfortable around us both without feeling animosity, that I am wrong. Very wrong to this forum. I just want to do the right thing. I just want to appear and be as though I have moved on and don't hold all kinds of bitterness and resentment because my ex-husband couldn't stay faithful to our marriage. It stinks, and I hate it. My self esteem took a huge, MAJOR hit on top of what I have already dealt with during the marriage. At this point, I don't know where to turn, nor do I know what is right or wrong, but my ex husband is a major A*&hole and has the capability of making my life miserable when it comes to the daughter that we share. He's a liar, and a cheat with no feelings. It's sad to find this out 15 years after I met him. I am only 31 years old and feeling this way.
Last edited by Iamenough; 02/19/15 05:19 PM.
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Okay, Indie, say I do explain to my daughter why I am doing no contact with him. Where do I go from there? What if she cries? Tells me she doesn't understand? What if she gets angry at me?
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Also Indie, I apologize if I came off as jumping at you. I sincerely wasn't. I am so confused!
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Okay, Indie, say I do explain to my daughter why I am doing no contact with him. Where do I go from there? What if she cries? Tells me she doesn't understand? What if she gets angry at me? I think you need a hug. ((((((((Lameenough))))))))) And a change of username maybe? It's late and I'm spectacularly unqualified for this question as a non mama. But I will be back with wisdom (and coffee) - in the meantime I hope the mama veterans share their stories.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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It has nothing to do with worthiness. The plan doesn't work if you don't follow it, and you have indicated that you are not going to follow it. How in the world can anyone keep the OW away from a child that goes to their fathers every other weekend when the OW lives there? Then why do you bother not allowing overnights at his house if that is your attitude about OW being in the picture?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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We all had to sit at a table with my daughter like a happy family. This is a choice. I get the feeling you and your parents are too timid to speak up and tell this woman she should be ashamed to show her face at your house, DD's school etc. No way would I just sit there and act like a happy family. If you/your family make it unpleasant for her to be there she will likely go away. I am not saying act crazy but you need to apply pressure so she won't want to come. ETA: Just because a parent is allowed to attend school functions, does not mean that parent can bring other guests on campus. You should talk to the school admin and see if the OW can be forbidden to come on campus since she is not a parent. Given that you have custody during school hours, you should be able to control this. ExWh may be able to come on campus but that doesn't mean you have to give access to anyone else unless you authorize it. What does the "exchanges are ok" mean? Are you or your family letting him into your house? Are you letting him bring OW to the front door or come in too? What is in your decree about exchanges and are you going to talk to the school staff about letting this woman on campus? She is not a parent. My decree says nothing specific about exchanges. It just states the time and days that she is to be exchanged. He brings her to the door at my parents home, and on most evenings I open the door and let her come in, he tells her goodnight and that he loves her and I close the door. I will contact the school, however I feel sure that there is nothing that can be done about him bringing his girlfriend to his daughters school functions. She will soon become his wife I am sure and will be considered my daughters step mother. What good does all this discord do my daughter? Would it not be better for her to know that she is surrounded by many people that love her and for me to just deal with the heartache on my own terms? It stinks, the situation stinks, however, he is with the OW and he has no plans of leaving the OW. I do not want her to think that I want to co-parent with her or be her friend, but I cannot spend all my time trying to make sure I exclude them from her life either because I can't handle seeing their faces. What good am I doing my daughter to try to shut her dad out of her life? I will take all honest and up front answers here, but everything I've seen just feels like it would create more friction and problems between myself and my ex. I just want to feel normal  Iamenough, you came here asking for advice and then you want to balk at every suggestion. I looked at your posting history and I posted to you about similar things before. If you want to sit around playing happy family when the OW is around then that is your choice but you came here because you don't want to. Step-parents have ZERO rights so even if your exWH marries OW, she still can do very little in regards to your child unless YOU allow it. My exWH is remarried (not to an OW) and I will NEVER give her access to certain things. If she was an OW I would have gone out of my way to limited contact with her (for myself and my children) as much as possible. If you simply want to complain how much it sucks that is not going to change anything or help you. That your child is in kindergarten...maybe you haven't even looked at the policies but they don't allow step-parents, much less a gf/bf to act as a parent...unless you allow it. If you don't start setting some boundaries now, things are only going to get worse as DD grows up. This woman will overstep and will see you do nothing about it.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Am I really supposed to get up and leave functions of MY daughters because he decides to bring the OW? Just like kindergarten orientation in August. She came with him, nothing I could do, and I was NOT leaving my babies kindergarten orientation. I don't leave my kids events if my exWH shows up. I don't care if he is there but I also don't sit with him or play happy family either. My children are well aware that I don't like their dad and it's not a issue for them.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Okay, Indie, say I do explain to my daughter why I am doing no contact with him. Where do I go from there? What if she cries? Tells me she doesn't understand? What if she gets angry at me? If she cries, give her a hug and tell her you love her. Give her comfort. If she doesn't understand, you can repeat that her dad hurt you and you don't want to be around someone who hurt you. This is a basic lesson all children learn...don't stay around people who hurt you. You would tell her the same about another child at school wouldn't you? No need to go on and on. Keep it simple. If she gets angry at you (not sure why she would) tell her you are sorry she is mad, you love her and change the subject.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I am not upset with Indie, her information has been valuable to me. I just caught the vibe that since I don't quite understand how doing some of these things will help my emotional well being and not harm it, that I am not welcome here. I also feel like I am put in a bad light because my ex husband had an affair and I am not lashing out and making it near impossible for my daughter to feel comfortable around us both without feeling animosity, that I am wrong. First off no one here was telling you to lash out. We are all giving you MB advice which is what Dr. Harley would advise. We are telling you to draw some boundaries and stay in Plan B with an IM. Choose the events you go to wisely. Trust us when we tell you this. Not being around or in any kind of contact with your WXH will help you heal and stay away from his abuse. This is what we want for you and what you should teach your daughter.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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In my state that is standard in a divorce, especially with infidelity. Allowing her to spend the night would be against my decree.
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