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You're exactly right. I did goof and I wasn't entitled to anything. With him, that's just the problem. I've accommodated him several times on my weekend because they were picking picking out a new puppy or during the week when he was off work and I had to work and allowed her to go to his house.but when I need accommodation is when the problem comes in. I had already paid for the condo. He did this for spite, not because he wanted his time. This won't be an issue if you go dark - to do it you need a rock solid timetable where nobody is asking for favours. Everybody sticks to the timetable. The routine will then roll along like clockwork without the need for much interaction.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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You're exactly right. I did goof and I wasn't entitled to anything. With him, that's just the problem. I've accommodated him several times on my weekend because they were picking picking out a new puppy or during the week when he was off work and I had to work and allowed her to go to his house.but when I need accommodation is when the problem comes in. I had already paid for the condo. He did this for spite, not because he wanted his time. Whatever his reason, you know he's a jerk so you should accept that and operate with that in mind. It amazes me when BSs expect their exWS to suddenly act better after D. They were thoughtless and self absorbed before the divorce...nothing is going to magically change especially if the OP or a new love interest has their ear. Most WSs get even nastier post D. You are not dealing with a caring or reasonable person. Stick to your visitation schedule. I looked at AL law and don't see many specifics...doesn't look like they have a "standard order." Can you post the part of your decree that has the language about parental rights re: education and school activities? Does your exWH have joint custody or does he have visitation with you having sole legal custody?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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It says that we have joint with myself having "Primary physical custody" and he has "standard visitation"
It also states that we are to openly communicate about illness, extracurricular activities, etc because both parents wish to be involved in all aspects of the child's life
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Basically, we have joint shared custody with myself being the primary custodial parent.
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He has her every other weekend and occasionally when he is off work during the week and I am working he will ask for her. Should I deny that request?
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He has her every other weekend and occasionally when he is off work during the week and I am working he will ask for her. Should I deny that request? Yes. If he does not have ordered midweek visitation then he does not get her.
Last edited by black_raven; 02/20/15 10:06 AM.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posts: 111
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Susie, thank you for posting the link. I looked for this yesterday to no avail. You are correct, a year out I am still having trouble letting go. I'm better, but definitely not where I need to be. I am one of those people that Susie is talking about with kids and went into PB. Yes it was scary and yes I took a huge leap of faith that it would work, but what I have found is that I have been able to get on with my life and I am happier than I ever was in my 27 years of marriage. My DD16 is also much happier when she is with me. She still has a relationship with him and I am completely unaware of what he is doing or what they do together and I love it because it give me the time to work on my happiness. DO NOT put it off. Establish your IM and make whatever arrangements you need to make and begin your road to your own happiness today! Within two weeks you will feel like a new woman and in four weeks you won't recognize the woman you are now.
FS of 27yrs
BW
DDay 11/2013
Began MB Seminar 7/2014
H quit MB Seminar 10/2014
Filed for D 11/17/2014
PB 12/18/2014
D 07/29/2015
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Susie, thank you for posting the link. I looked for this yesterday to no avail. I did not post a link. If you are referring the the PP/PB one in my signature, someone else mentioned it to you earlier in the thread. If you wanted to read it but couldn't find it, you should have said something. That's what we are here for. The link wasn't really the point of my posts, though. I am trying to get you to see what we all see - that Plan B/PP would be best for both you and your child....but you need to be willing to let go of your WH and the drama with him and the OW. You are correct, a year out I am still having trouble letting go. I'm better, but definitely not where I need to be. And from your own admission, your daughter seems to be doing worse. So what are you going to do about it? What's your plan?
Last edited by SusieQ; 02/20/15 10:34 AM.
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This is an example of the drama you need to be willing to let go of. Exchanges are okay. The gf is always with him. Whether it's 10:30 at night or 6:00 a.m. So, naturally it makes it a little rough as I am always alone. My problem with him is that he tries to hold everything over my head, like he's looking for me to do something that he can use against me. Our daughter is not allowed overnight stays at his house because he chose to let the OW move in with her children. SO, anytime my daughter and I go out of town, like this weekend, he asks her who went with us. He's trying to catch me with someone of the opposite sex around my daughter spending the night. I moved in with my parents when I left and on the nights he drops her off, If I am late, he will not leave her. He will sit in the car till I get there, and has even threatened to take her back to his house if I am not home at drop off time. My mom has been our daughters care giver from the time I went back to work after her birth, and now he wants to give me problems. When we were married he left her there all the time if he was off so he didn't have to deal with her. He was never a very involved father when we were married, he loves our daughter very much, but now, it's like he's gone into super dad overdrive. It's very annoying and hard on me because he's super dad and super boyfriend, and his life is so much better now that I am gone. From the outside he makes it appear that he has it all together and that cheating on me was the best decision he'd ever made. He's told me several times he hates how I found out, but he doesn't regret it for one second. Also, if I don't tell him about small, unimportant functions, those are the ones his girlfriend finds out about and they show up to. Like Thanksgiving lunch at school. Parents were welcome, but their wasn't an invite sent out. Myself and my parents went to eat lunch with my daughter and he showed up with the OW. We all had to sit at a table with my daughter like a happy family. That was one of the worst days to date. Ballgames are going to be a totally different story. Her family has welcomed him with open arms. I don't think they fully know the situation, but I don't think it will change anything when they do find out. They are very active in their grandchildren's sports and I just know that they will show up. They have my daughter calling them Nana and Pop. Not to mention his mother, whom I loathe~~ My life is just so difficult and this affair turned into a dream for him and a nightmare for me. I feel like I am the one that was wrong because it's all working out so right for him. Sorry this is so long. There are so many things I have to work through, even a year out. Your posts would look nothing like this if you were in Plan B. Like I said, this is your future if you don't take steps to change it. I have seen BS's here in the forum and IRL who go on and on like this about their ex YEARS after the D, because they cannot and will not let go.
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Like I said, this is your future if you don't take steps to change it. I have seen BS's here in the forum and IRL who go on and on like this about their ex YEARS after the D, because they cannot and will not let go. x 2 And it is hard to feel much empathy for those that choose to sign up for this. It takes effort to rebuild your life. Only you can make it happen.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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For starters I've emailed her softball coach this morning, advised him of the situation. Gave him my ex-husbands email address and told him this is for practice and game correspondence only, any personal correspondence about DD must come through me first. I did this because I can see the OW emailing and trying to get information that she doesn't need. I am going to try to speak with my daughter again this weekend when I see her. She will be at her dad's. I will no longer answer his phone calls on my mobile number. He can call our daughter at home, of she's not home, he can leave a message. When ballgames start I will sit as far away as possible. I have already notified the coaches wife of our situation. No more bending to meet his needs. I guess I will just have to learn as I go and cannot thank you all enough for the information you've provided up till this point! I'm definitely going to dive into this thing.
Last edited by Iamenough; 02/20/15 11:58 AM.
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Edit out DD's name from your last post. 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posts: 45
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Edit out DD's name from your last post. Oh my! I was definitely caught up in that post.  Thanks for the heads up
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No more bending to meet his needs. I guess I will just have to learn as I go and cannot thank you all enough for the information you've provided up till this point! I'm definitely going to dive into this thing. It is a learning process but you should be proactive and close the doors that give him access as much as possible. I would still go to the school office and give them a copy of your decree. If he only has court ordered visitation on the weekends, the only way they will ever let him ck her out is if it is an emergency. Make it CLEAR that he will not be picking her up for medical appts, etc. You can also instruct them to call you should he show up claiming there is an emergency to check her out. Do not underestimate the garbage he will try to pull once you start closing doors. Talk to the principal/asst principal and receptionist to make it very clear that he does not have visitation during the week and DD should not be released. I would also make it clear that OW is never to be on the release list...ever. Your exWH shouldn't be able to put her on either since he does not have midweek visitation. You have the law on your side so use it.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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For starters I've emailed her softball coach this morning, advised him of the situation. Gave him my ex-husbands email address and told him this is for practice and game correspondence only, any personal correspondence about DD must come through me first. I did this because I can see the OW emailing and trying to get information that she doesn't need. I am going to try to speak with my daughter again this weekend when I see her. She will be at her dad's. I will no longer answer his phone calls on my mobile number. . Change it. Otherwise your phone is going to be blown up with a zillion texts. The home phone thing usually works. Especially if no one else uses it.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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For starters I've emailed her softball coach this morning, advised him of the situation. Gave him my ex-husbands email address and told him this is for practice and game correspondence only, any personal correspondence about DD must come through me first. I did this because I can see the OW emailing and trying to get information that she doesn't need. I am going to try to speak with my daughter again this weekend when I see her. She will be at her dad's. I will no longer answer his phone calls on my mobile number. . Change it. Otherwise your phone is going to be blown up with a zillion texts. The home phone thing usually works. Especially if no one else uses it. Just because he calls the house doesn't mean anyone has to answer either. If there is no set time for him to call and he blows up the phone, let it go to voicemail. Tell your parents the same too. If they are busy or playing with DD, let the call go to VM. Any crazy ranting messages...keep them. Do not delete them. They may come in handy if you ever have to go to court to show the judge how he acts/talks. When you deny a midweek visit request, you also don't have to explain yourself to him either. Do not get sucked into explaining and arguing. He can go cry ad yell at OW or his lawyer. Remove yourself from potential drama.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Hmmm. I would consider listening to any voicemail rants to be 'light' - I'd like to see her get very dark and have no clue about his mind set.
Great point about evidence though. Maybe her mother could be the one to check voicemail in future, keeping anything useful, but not mentioning specifics?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Who are you thinking for an IM?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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For starters I've emailed her softball coach this morning, advised him of the situation. Gave him my ex-husbands email address and told him this is for practice and game correspondence only, any personal correspondence about DD must come through me first. I did this because I can see the OW emailing and trying to get information that she doesn't need. I am going to try to speak with my daughter again this weekend when I see her. She will be at her dad's. I will no longer answer his phone calls on my mobile number. He can call our daughter at home, of she's not home, he can leave a message. When ballgames start I will sit as far away as possible. I have already notified the coaches wife of our situation. No more bending to meet his needs. I guess I will just have to learn as I go and cannot thank you all enough for the information you've provided up till this point! I'm definitely going to dive into this thing. While it's a good first step, it's not nearly enough. Here's what needs to happen. 1) Find an IM and forward them the IM training manual (we can supply the link). 2) Change phone number and email address 3) Prepare a semi-PB letter explaining this change to your ex (we can help you with this...and your IM can email it) 4) Expose to all relevant parties, such as the school and explaining that for future events that you CANNOT be seated with your ex. 5) I would recommend to you that if your ex is going to show up at these events, like BH stated, I would be smart about what events you will be going to. A kindergarten orientation when you are trying to get into a peaceful/different mindset about WS is not worth it, IMO. Post here regarding this issue and we can help you along. I am sure there is more and others can chime in. And lame....we don't want to hear excuses. OK? I was one week out from dday 3 and barely functioning and able to pull this off in less than a week.
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Hmmm. I would consider listening to any voicemail rants to be 'light' - I'd like to see her get very dark and have no clue about his mind set.
Great point about evidence though. Maybe her mother could be the one to check voicemail in future, keeping anything useful, but not mentioning specifics? I would ask the mom and dad to ck the vms...keep anything useful and delete the rest.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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