My husband doesn't let me drive his car. He says that I need to follow his rules about the car. I think we are to negotiate. He thinks the negotiation is that he tell me all of his requirements, I must agree to them, and then I can drive his car. I feel like I'm being treated like a child. Today, he drove himself to the airport because I wanted to take him in his small car rather than the larger van that I drive. He refused and took himself to the airport. We are at a standoff.

Hi & welcome!
How much have you read on the site?
POJA? UA time?
What demands, disrespectful judgements & angry outbursts are??

Has your husband read this site?

We have read through much of the material. His perception is that respecting him means abiding by his rules (such as for the car). We have read the chapters on demands, disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. He thinks I am the one being disrespectful. I think we need to mutually agree, rather than I am told what to do and not do regarding his car.

Your husband is disrespectfully judging you.
Neither of you should drive the car until you both can respectfully agree to a solution.

He's misunderstanding then - that's selfish demands. That won't work if he wants you to be happy in your marriage.

Let him know that you can't be happy if he demands you follow his rules, and let us know what he says.

He says that it is his car which means he gets to make the rules about how it is used. For instance, I am not to drink any beverages in the car... including water or herb tea. I happen to always drive with a beverage. Even if I am a passenger in his car I am 'not allowed' to bring in a beverage. And food is totally out of the question. Although, he can bring food into his car because it is his car.

Hi again Bat, He doesn't get it then. But Both of you are making demands. "I demand you will not eat or drink in this car." You: " I demand that I will eat & drink in this car".

Those are black & white- true negotiation is brainstorming ideas & perhaps coming to a trial agreement.

I would look up all the material on policy of enthusiastic agreement & get the book "He wins, She Wins".

That policy is actually that no one can drive the car until your in agreement & your married- their isn't really a my car, your car. Sure, one could be considered the one you drive the most.

And if he wants "respect" he needs to learn he to respect you!

How many books have you read? Listen to the free radio broadcast?

Actually, a demand is when one spouse tells another to do something, rather than to NOT to something. It's not a demand for your H to insist that you don't eat or drink in the car.

What's the story? Why doesn't he want you to eat or drink in the car when he can?

The default position is for neither of you to drive the car. But this works only if your H is also on board with MB. You can't very well force him to not drive his car if he hasn't agree to follow the POJA.

It seems to me that demanding anything - to do or not to do - is still a demand. We have a complicated situation regarding things. Originally, we bought a van together. Our first vehicle that we were going to finance jointly. He made the stipulation that he would contribute to the vehicle as long as his requirements (no food, or drink) were followed. I agreed to keep the peace - my first mistake. The first week we had the van I wanted to use it to take the children and a friend and her children to the waterslides. He said that he couldn't abide by that. I ended up going in my friend's car. I was quite angry. Why get a van if it doesn't get used? Within a year, I got fed up with his demands regarding the van. If I didn't agree with what he wanted, he would threaten to not help pay for it. Finally, I took over the payments and it became 'my car' -although it is used on family vacations, etc. My partner has 'his' car which he pays for. Yes, we have separate bank accounts. We also have joint account. We couldn't combine assets because the children are not his and he doesn't want to pay for certain things regarding them.

Are you two married?

How long have you been married?

Do you have any children? How many and what are their ages?

no, we aren't married. We have been living together in a house we bought for the past 13 years.

The children are mine from a previous marriage. They aren't children anymore! Both are in college.

That makes more sense.

Regardless of how you view this relationship - he doesn't intend to offer you the care of a married spouse. He is a freeloader. He keeps it convenient when it suits him.

Have you read Buyers, renters, freeloaders concepts?

Why aren't you married?

I don't think it is very likely that he is going to upgrade the care he is providing for you to the level that Marriage Builders teaches. But I do encourage you to check out the book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders - maybe he will read it with you. I also encourage you to check out the Marriage Builders Radio show. Most of us arriving here had a lot to learn and with the information provided on the show were able to upgrade our relationships to a much higher standard of care for each other.

Have you read this?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

We aren't married for numerous reasons throughout the years. Most recently, it is because I receive great scholarship and grant funding for college for the kids. If I was married, my spouses income would be counted and it would deplete our earnings significantly. Plus, my partner wouldn't be willing to help pay for college (he doesn't now) so I would get stuck with it all.

Did you read this?

I just read it.

Are you going to get away from this man? He is a major freeloader, renter at best.