Long story short, husband of almost five years started an affair after first baby was born, confessed to cheating other times. Told me his heart was completely out of our relationship and he cared deeply for this teenager he had sex with. I filled, he went running to her as soon as I kicked him out. He told me he ended things with her a long time ago which was all a lie. I found out he was still seeing her but gave him another chance since I realized we actually could save our marriage. He said no. Walked away from me again. Divorce is final in April.

I understand plan b is the best thing for me emotionally. The hardest part about that is I have a 10 month old baby who I don't trust leaving alone with my ex. He doesn't bring his affair around. I have full custody so I make the calls anyway. I'm just not ready to leave the baby alone with him in fear if him taking my son to his affair. It breaks my heart. I don't know how to get passed being afraid of him taking the baby to her just to have plan B for my emotional well being. I seam to do ok seeing him since she never is around and not aloud anywhere near his family.

My question: I gave him an opportunity to fix things and try to get back together because I still love him, or did at the time, and even still to this day since he is in his affair still he has told me that he doesn't love me. He said that our entire marriage was just a friendship to him. That I'm just his best friend and his soul mate but I was never his lover. We did have some intimacy issues. But we had great love I thought. I never ever ever pictured him saying those words to me. I thought we were so in love. He also told me about his first girlfriend he walked out on of two years and had zero feelings for her when they broke up and it seams like it's the same situation for me.. I'm seeing the same pattern of no remorse and no emotion about the breakup. Like right before we split he just flat out said my heart is gone. (His way of saying he doesn't love me)! So is this because he is in an affair still that he thinks we never were in love? Or did he really just not ever see me as his lover? I don't understand how they think when they are in the affair. I knew we were "lovers" but he now says we never were. I don't get it. I think it's all too late and there's no chance of reconciliation. But I just don't know how to get past the fact that he claims to have never loved me. This can't be true. I know God can do anything so our family's are praying for a Miracle to bring our family back together.

One funny thing is that he is 30 and she just turned 20. She was a stripper and had drug issues and works at a hooters type restaurant. He is a Christian from a solid Christian family who does not approve of his relationship with her. She cheated on her bf with my husband of course. Second question: this most likely won't last right? It makes me laugh. He picked a winner for sure. Sheesh

Who did you expose this to? Was she under age when he started having sex with her?

Have you had your lawyer write anything in the divorce decree that he can't take the baby around any non-blood related people over night?

He sounds like he has very poor judgment, and he's not thinking with his head. He is probably attracted to OW sexually, and he mistakes sex for love. Unless he attains maturity and understands what it means to be married, to be committed, you might find yourself in the same predicament when he meets his next flame.

It sounds like it's him, not you, who has a problem with understanding and building strong, loyal relationships that last, regardless of whom he is with.

What are the qualities that you love in him? Do they show a possible way forward with him in the future, as a family unit?

I exposed it to everyone and she just turned 20 when it all started.

And we didn't go through any lawyers it was all mutual agreements. He is cheap and lazy. Since he gave me full custody he doesn't get to ever take the baby over night for now. I'm praying this affair ends soon so I don't have to deal with this young fling for forever.

Thanks for answering my questions! Yes that's why I don't see reconciliation with him. I mean he told me he lost his virginity to someone else just weeks before our wedding. I thought we were both loosing our virginity together on our wedding night. If he cheated on me when we dated and when we were engaged why even get married? I saw no signs of remorse or red flags. I just found out now about all that. It broke my heart


Honestly there isn't any good qualities I love about him. I can't think of any! He is a terrible father who doesn't care very much about our baby, doesn't support me, he wasn't a leader. I honestly thought he would be all these things but he never was. He planned on having a great career to support our family and I ended up going to school and became the bread winner when I graduated. He never furthered his career he just gave up. He told me when this all happens that he just gave up on me and everything we had going for us. I almost feel relieved to just be out of that relationship. I didn't realize I was in a bad relationship until this all surfaced. I just thought he was lazy and rude but that he loved me so he would get better. Don't see it becoming a way forward in the future at this rate.

And yes he does mistake sex for love. I hope that relationship ends! When he is with her he doesn't care about his son. He told her in an email he would endure anything for her when she talked about how she wants him to have our son. It's sickening.

One more question: his parents said they would not let him suffer the consequences of his actions because they fear he would take his life. He must have said something to them to make them feel that way. But how do I go about that? I know I can't control what his parents do. But what can I say to them to let them allow him to suffer his consequences? Nothing? They just bought him a truck because his jeep doesn't work. He is a man. He can sell his jeep and get a reliable car he doesn't need his parents doing everything for him. I feel like now that he ran out of money his relationship will not be so exciting. Now his parents are almost helping that relationship continue

His affair will not end well, most affairs don't, and he will suffer no matter what his parents do for him. It sounds like a type of emotional blackmail on his parents to continue their support for him regardless of his own actions.

He sounds like a serial adulterer, cheating on you right before your wedding is horrifying...is that why you are sure that Plan A won't work?

He can say all the horrible hurtful things to you, but the truth will out, they don't change the realities of your marriage.

If you have lost any hope for him to come back to you and your baby, to try to rebuild the marriage, to turn over a new leaf, you have to watch out for yourself and your child, so this must be the focus of your next step forward.

Can you work out a good settlement with him and his family? Can you see a good lawyer? Collect all the incriminating things he says, build your case, it'll help you secure better custody terms. How do you ensure that this stripper girlfriend stays away from your child?

You mustn't waste your energy over his affairs' success or failure, this is entirely out of your hands. You can only control what you do, what you feel, or decide on your course of action to secure your own and your child's future.

She's a 20 yo stripper? I'll bet she will toss him like trash once his money runs out. If he genuinely thinks this tart is a true love, he's going to wake up one day with hard reality. She uses men for a living!

In the meanwhile, continue plan B and remember that you have a good future if you make better choices.

You need Plan B. No this affair will likely not last, but you will have no idea if it does or not and won't give a hoot either way.

This isn't a one time affair, your soon to be ex is a serial cheater. He has confessed to multiple affairs in less than 5 yrs, and including one right before your wedding. He is not marriage material. It is VERY hard to recover a marriage with a serial cheater, and since you are already down the path of divorce and Plan B, I would say keep on trucking down that road and forget about recovery whether this affair pans out for him or not. When this one is over, it will be the next one, and the next one. Invest in creating a great life for you and your child, and leave him to be someone else's problem.

Have you read up on Plan B? Do you have an idea of who could IM for you?

Don't worry about him rewriting history, it is classic wayward tactic to convince themselves that they were never in love in the first place. Clearly, he has convinced himself he was not in love with his last long term relationship either, now you. Because he has a wayward mind. There is no amount of great amazing love you could have had that would break through his perpetual wayward fog. So when he says, 'its not you, its me...' its true! It is him. He is a serial cheat with a perpetually foggy wayward mind. Go into Plan B and move on. You can learn here how to have an amazing relationship in the future, you and your child deserve that.

Thank you. This is very encouraging to me. He is a serial cheater and I know she is too so I will stop waisting my energy on him. I am so afraid of plan B. I fear what happens with my child when I'm not there. I hate being removed from the picture while he is so little. I know my soon to be ex husband doesn't care that much about the baby, but once I let someone like his family members take the baby to him they will make it as easy as possible for him so that he can be a father. The problem is he isn't loving a healthy lifestyle to be a father to our son right now. I can't think of anyone else to deliver the baby to him. I'll keep thinking about this. Discuss it with my parents as well. Where can I read up more on plan B?

Yes this is so true. It makes sense. He is in a complete fog. It hurts so much to hear the person I love say that he loves someone else and not me. I a very strong woman and I know I will be better off. Struggling with letting the baby go without me for plan B is what's holding me back. This baby is all I have. I hate that he did this to us and now wants to take the baby away from me. It's so not right. I believe it's mostly his parents saying he needs to be a father to the baby. He honestly doesn't care. I fear for the well being of my son. But I do have full physical and legal custody that he gave up very easily. And I can always call the shots. This is very good

I had a really good piece of advice from a friend who used to be a lawyer - be thankful, yes, thankful that your husband is drunk on stripper love, hurling all the abuses and saying all the hurtful things because this is the time to GATHER your evidence, instead of dwelling on them and feeling hurt. He will surely regret them one day when he is shown all of these in a court of law as both of you present your case in a custody battle.

Be thankful that you can outsmart your wayward, immature, misbehaving, abusive husband and end this marriage with as little damage to yourself as possible.

I am unfortunate that my husband is smarter than me in securing his own advantage, and has kept me in the dark and had the upper hand for most of my marriage. Yours sound like he is incriminating himself through it all.

Go to Plan B, work as rationally as you can manage, one step at a time, towards a goal for yourself and your child, what you need to live on, what is the alimony/child support needed, what is the least damage to your child you can secure with the help of the law, etc.

The more inappropriate the lifestyle of your WH for a minor, eg. hanging out with strippers, etc., the more likely you will get to dictate the terms of contact between father and child.

Collect your evidence, build your case, you can succeed.

Here's a great thread on Plan B Here

Also, read up on Parallel Parenting Here

Don't be afraid to go into Plan B. Plenty of folks on this forum have done so and found peace of mind. You will out of the drama of the wayward. Make SURE you get a lawyer and get sole custody of your baby and child support. Many people here have gotten GOOD lawyers to write into the custody agreement that the child is not to be in the presence of the other woman. Some waywards are so unstable that the betrayed spouse was able to get sole custody with only supervised visits.

Plan B will mean you can quietly get on with your own life. Since his parents seem to be supporting the wayward, I would also break contact with them. Have nothing to do with people who support waywardness and surround yourself with people who help and support YOU and your child.

Do your parents live close by? Can you either move in with them or live nearby for support?

Are you able to support yourself?

Ok thanks for the links. I'll read them. I do not have a lawyer. I do have sole custody. I was quick to file for divorce and we went through a mutual agreement so that I could get full custody. It worked. His parents are supportive of me and communicate with my parents too. They are good Christian people so I'm not sure I would need to sever contact with them. I'm afraid if I don't make them happy and let them take the baby without me I will have a custody battle on their dime. My husband can't afford it. I am living with my parents and have a huge support group of family and friends. They are amazing. I also have a great career and make good money only working two days a week so I support myself just fine.

The one time I talked with a lawyer she said I did everything exactly how she would recommend. I don't ask for child support because she said that once I ask for support they ask for custody. I also make more than enough so I honestly don't need any money from him. I also feel like if he ever takes me to court I will just start asking for child support then so I can use that to my leverage. He doesn't want to pay so I don't think he will fight custody.

Plan B does sound like something I need to do. I hate leaving my baby. It's hard because he is so young. But I know this will be better for us in the long run.

I'm thinking about giving the book in surviving an affair to his parents so they understand why he says and does the things he does. He got everyone to believe I never loved him and never had sex with him which isn't true. I mean how else do you have a baby! I just don't know if giving them that book is worth my while.

Who is everyone? Who did you expose to on OW's side?

Did you expose to your family, his family and her family?

Yes exposed it to everyone. I don't know her but her parents are most likely aware. I don't know what to do about that. He said her parents like him and sometimes he shows up to meet with me and my son and he is in her dads car because he lets him barrow it.

You need to expose it to her parents. I'm sure they've lied and said you're crazy and that you are already divorced.

Expose to her side of the family right before you go into a dark Plan B.

Are you ready for Plan B?

How do I expose it to her parents? I guess I can get her moms number and have my dad call them. I'm not ready for plan B yet