Hello, Earlier this month I got married to my then boyfriend, now husband. Maybe it the cultural difference? But in my culture, I was not raise to this kind of intimacy stuff. It kindda weird to me.
He did this before when he my boyfriend, so it not the first time that he kiss my buttock. But now we married, so he have more chance of doing it.

After shower, I lay in bed and hubby help put lotion on my arms, legs, thighs, and back. And he would kiss my butt cheek. I do have a round butt, I guess he find it attractive?. It just very different culturally, that explains my strange feelings to it.

Whenever I lay in bed on my stomach, he would put his lips on my butt cheek and give it a kiss. Strange.... He do if often too. I dunno how to explain it, but I just feel kindda weird.

I know we're married now, so I guess it normal for a husband to do that. I know I'm not making much sense. But in my traditional culture, it didn't teach me that men would do these stuff.
I was raise not seeing any affection at all in my childhood. Now married to my husband, he get all intense affectionate to me, it just make me feel kindda awkward.

Anyone have their husband do this or something similiar to this? Perhaps to him is just a loving way show to his wife? So I guess it a good thing? Normal to do as a husband right?

He's just attracted to you. He's expressing that through affection. I don't think it's weird.

If it makes you uncomfortable or bothers you, there's nothing wrong with telling him that. If he cares about you, he won't do something to you that bothers you IF he knows that it bothers you. But speaking as a man, we can't always guess these things, so you need to tell him if you don't like it.

On the flip side of things, the way this is written, it doesn't sound like you're very attracted to him? Have you looked into the MB program at all? If you're in love with him you will be attracted to him and the intense affection might not bother you as much.

You don't understand my situation. It not simple like that, I try to explain below
I am sexually attracted to my hubby, very attracted to him. That was why I dated him in the first place, it the sexually attraction.

It just I have my own emotional baggage
My Chinese mother disapproved my relationship because my husband is a non-Chinese. My mother disown me after I married him. In fact, she already disown me when I dated him. My mom discriminate against him because he is not Chinese.

I'm struggling with trying to be a fialial daughter eventhough mom treats me like craps. Trying to satisfied my culture, and trying to adapt to my non-Chinese husband 'style' of affection.

I do have an emotionally abusive mother, who belittle me and verbally abuse me throughout my whole childhood. This cause me to have low self-worth as an adult.

It also have something to do with how I was raise, not seeing any affection at all in my childhood.
I grow up in the traditional Chinese family that does not show affection at all. There was no saying 'I love you' between parents and children. There was no hugs, no goodnight kisses. No physical display of affection between children, parents, relatives family.
Eventhough my family immigrant to USA for over 20 years already, but they still very old-fashioned.

So growing up not seeing affection. Now married to my husband, he get all intense affectionate to me. It just make me feel kindda awkward.

I guess it cultural difference. I'm 30, husband is 29 year olds and non-Chinese.
We do have a big cultural difference between us. But I'm getting use to it. He is my husband now, so this is his 'style' of showing affection.

I dunno, he just put his lips on my butt and give it a kiss. He didn't do anything kinky. Perhaps it just a gesture that he dote on his wife.

I am NOT the one to offer advice, but the people here a wonderful and caring. They are helping me tremendously. I just want you to know that you are NOT ALONE in your feelings. I had an emotionally abusive and emotionally neglective mother as well, and my father was off in the military and working extra jobs, so when he was around, he was there to punish us for whatever we had done while he was away. I too have little self worth and am terribly insecure. Affection can be learned, I am learning affection still.. I still have trouble hugging people and displaying affection to my partner in public. Be honest with him, ask him to understand your feelings and help you to become affectionate. Be careful though, my vunerabilities led me into an abusive relationship and I'm struggling to see it because I am so desperate for his love. and the butt kissing is totally normal here he is showing his affection and appreciate for you and your body. It may feel uncomfortable now, and if it does, don't hesitate to help him understand why! He is there to support you and help you flourish in life; allow him to do that! As for your mother, she probably thinks she is doing what's best for you, and if she loves you, she will come around; but it is your husband who allows you to be yourself, so focus on him... Not her! It's your life and your happiness!

I hope I offered some comfort in your feelings. You are not alone in this world!! Allow the monitors here to guide you along! they truly care!

Whether or not others find this normal, whether or not others engage in this little act of affection, if it's something you don't care for, just let your husband know that you don't really like it.

If he's affectionate with you, this is simply another way of showing his affection, but if you don't care for it, let him know and share with him the ways you DO like to be shown affection.

x100

This is not a chinese vs non-chinese cultural issue. This is a
"husband trying to show his wife affection in a way that makes her uncomfortable" situation. It doesn't matter if he intends it to be affectionate, it bothers you, and you need to let him know that. Don't sacrifice and try to force yourself to like something that makes you uncomfortable. Be honest with him, and tell him the ways you WOULD enjoy his affection.

Have you read the Basic Concepts?

Yes - that's why he will want honesty regarding what you like.

If you say: I'm not so into that but I like x,y and z - he will appreciate that guidance.

I think he is a doting husband and he will want you to speak up more about your preferences.

Doting and affection is not a set of gestures. It is listening and respecting a spouses likes and dislikes.

I'm sure your husband would be glad to.

Thanks 'indiegirl" and others for your replies/advice

My Chinese mother give me a very hard time. She is emotionally abusive, and verbally abusive towards her children. She make me became the fiercely independent girl with low self-worth as an adult.

I left my mom house when I was 18, and I survived on my own without her help for more than a decade. I'm 30 this year, and mom still try to control my life. From control who I date to who I married.
Mom have not spoke to me eversince I got married to my husband. Even when I call home, she still doesn't want to talk to me. I only talk to my old father over the phone now.

I dunno, it like I'm not use to affection. Another example I feel kindda awkward is this.
My hubby he works 12-14 hours shift everyday, so perhaps he miss me.
Everytime he back from work, if I happened to be in the kitchen. He would lift me up onto the kitchen countertop and give me a long kiss. Again, I thought it was kindda awkward.
We have a huge height different between us. So usually he have to lift me up or bend down to kiss me.

You see, other women they would be thrill if their husband do this to them. But I don�t feel thrilled.
I don�t know what is wrong. I don�t know if this have anything to do with my mother disown me, so subconsciously it haunt me. I know it my problem.

A marriage itself is already hard enough to maintain, let alone a marriage with huge cultural difference. Marriage sure take alot of work, so I need to start out now as getting used to his 'style of showing affection. Thank you for all advice.

At MB we only do things we are enthusiastic about.

Doesn't sound like you are enthusiastic about the relationship with your mother. So I'd end it. That way you wouldn't consistently be blaming stuff on it.

Also if you're not enthusiastic about the lifting - quit it. Do something you do like instead.

It doesn't matter that 'other women' would like it. He isn't married to 'other women' he is married to you and will be very interested to hear about what you do and don't like.

At MB we don't advise faking responses so that you can appear to be like other people.

He doesn't want to impressed other people, he wants to impress you.

What Indie said.. I currently have no relationship with my mother, and I am happier for it. If you don't like these things, just tell your hubby! Tell him you love him, but those aren't the ways you like to be shown affection, and show him other ways. It'll be ok.

What WOULD thrill you? That's what you need to be thinking about, and communicating to your husband.

BTW, a lot of non-chinese women would be annoyed with their husbands for doing what your husband is doing. This isn't a cultural thing. It just bothers you, and he needs to find things to do that doesn't bother you.

Did you read the Basic Concepts?

A lot of non-Chinese women would be bothered by this. I don't think a culture should educate people about what goes on in the marital bedroom - that is for each couple to figure out on their own. The two of you should pick from activities that both of you feel enthusiasm for.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, yet? There is a plan there to make sure that the two of you never lose your love for each other.

Dear Independant girl,

It is very true that we at MB encourage you to speak up in situations where your husband does something that bothers you.
***EDIT***
Your husband should make sure that your affectionate and sexual activity together makes you feel safe and cared for.
This may mean that he has to take it slow to not make you uncomfortable.
And it could be that you will appreciate some of his gestures in the future.

Aside from that, your story reminded me of a story my mother told me about her aunt (born 1902 I might add). My then 10-year-old mother saw her aunt give her little baby boy a kiss on his buttock after changeing his diaper and cried out that this was gross! Her aunt told her: "Just wait and see, if you have children yourself, you will kiss their cute behinds." Not only did this materialize, but she told me and I yelled "gross!"
Well, indeed, I also kissed my babies on their behinds when they where still in diapers.***EDIT***

So, just talk to your husband to move slowly and not to force things on you that you don't like ***EDIT***

Thank you 'happyheart' for your reply,
I think most swomen would be fine that their husband kiss their butt. Most see this as a sigbn of affection, and women likes their husband do this. I just need time to get used to it.

My husband sure do alot of intense affectionate things. Here is another example 'he wants the intense emotional connection during sex."

Here where we live have lots of lights outside at night, it won�t ever be pitch black in the bedroom. We close all the blinds but lights still shine in, so I guess it �dim light� sex for us�. Hubby wants the �Intense emotional connection�.
Whenever we have sex, he always looking at my facial expressions. Alot of kissing all over my face, lips, and neck. I tried turn my ahead to the side, then he would be kissing all over my neck. Then I know right there that I can�t avoid is ��Eyes� and face.

And I feel embarassed that he seeing how I feel/reacts who every little things he do during sex. He looks/stare at my facial expression while �getting it on��. If I show any unfcomfortable/pain, he would be very gentle and go slower.

I heard from others people said that majority when �men� have sex, they would close their eyes and concentrated on how it feels.
BUT my hubby is different. He keeps have his eyes open and stare at my facial expression the whole time, and alot of kissing. I guess he find my face beautiful even during sex?... I am learning to look straight back in his eyes and give him the emotional connection he wants. But it just hard on me.

We just have the �vanilla� sex, nothing out of the ordinary sex between a male and female�. BUT he keep looking at my facial expression while getting it on, it just make me feel Weird/awkward.

I only have 1 sexual partner, that is my husband. There no other man in my life sexually, so I don�t have anyone to compared to him. Sometimes he do things he do, and make me wonder if other men do it too.
All these is just so new to me, I need time to digest all this. He is an awesome husband, I have no regrets married to him. But the way he show affection is just intense, I guess

happyheart is incorrect - you have no obligation to try to come to like things just because some other women do. You can develop a serious sexual aversion if you try to make yourself feel comfortable with something you are not comfortable with. It doesn't matter why you feel that way - if you've tried it and don't like it, get your husband involved in the plan here to find something that makes you both happy.

Please answer our question above - have you read the Basic Concepts here?

Dr Harley wrote this to a pastor on this forum who told a woman she should sacrifice and give her husband oral sex:


If you later decide you like this behavior from your husband, or like it in certain contexts, that's fine. But the whole idea that you should give it a shot because other women like it is mistaken, and very dangerous for your marriage.

I have not read the "Basic Concepts" yet, it is a book?

Where can I buy it to read? Can I buy it on Amazon? Does it have on Amazon Kindle to read?