This is my very first post. A member from my birth board recommended this site.
I have been in a common law relationship for 19 years. We have 2 kids, a 15 year old son and an 11 month old son.


Recently I have had strong feelings that my husband has been cheating on me. For one, he used to always initiate sex, now I am the one to initiate sex. He will say, I'll please you, but don't worry about me. I'm too tired. He always ends up getting pleased.

On Christmas Eve, he called me to ask if he could have a drink "with the boys" from work. He doesn't like his coworkers, why would he want to have a drink on Christmas Eve with them, instead of coming home to his family. Also he doesn't drink.

On a few occasions, I have called his cell while he was supposedly at work. The background noise did not sound like his work background noise. It was extremely quiet and there was an echo. I demanded that he tell me where he was. He was hesitant, then finally said that he was making a delivery (he is a butcher. He doesn't do deliveries).

One occasion I smelled cologne on him after work. He made three excuses as to why he had on cologne. Many times he didn't even smell like he worked. But other times he does.

There are many more indications of an affair, so I decided to place a GPS tracker in his car. I retrieved the GPS tracker after two weeks and it showed that he has been going to a particular location, that is not his work, on Mondays approximately 9:30 am to 1:00 pm then coming home. He tells me he is going to work for half days. He works every day and only has one half day off. So apparently he is spending the other half with someone else. I drove to this location. There are apartment buildings in the area.

I have confronted him many times to be honest with me. He continues to deny it. He will use gaslighting. He is a great liar, and will not admit to anything without solid proof. He doesn't know about the GPS tracker or that I know he hasn't been at work on Monday for two weeks (from what the GPS tracker showed).

However, since my last confrontation, I believe he realized that I am on to him. And I believe he has not seen the other woman. I think he is laying low right now. He has even taken work off for the whole day for the past two weeks on Monday. I have asked him if he is planning on taking Mondays off from now on and he said no.

Sorry if I am not making any sense.

Right now I am trying to lay low, until I can gather more evidence. I know for our relationship to work, this needs to be exposed and he needs to be honest.

Is there any other techniques I could use to gather more evidence. I talked to a private investigator but he wants $500 upfront and I don't have the money right now.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I'll be happy to clarify anything.

Welcome to MB.

Could you explain about your marriage, please? How is a common law marriage established where you live? Is it different from simply living together? Is it possible for you to get a divorce? How would you do that, without a marriage certificate?

In answer to your question: a cheap and quick way of snooping in your situation would be to hide a digital voice recorder in his car, and anywhere in the house where you think he could be making phone calls.

If you can get your hands on his phone, there is cheap spyware available to download.

We are not actually married. Just have been living together for 19 years.

He owns a very old Motorola cell phone though. Not sure if any spyware would work for this phone. Where can I get a good inexpensive recorder?

Since you are not married, I first recommend that you read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders. You are in a long term "renter" type relationship. These relationships are doomed to failure.

The purpose of exposure is to bring the infidelity to the light of day. However, Dr. Harley does not recommend exposure if you are not married because it could be considered slander.

Why have you not married?

Have you seen this?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloders

I agree, we should have gotten married along time ago. He has been married twice before and it didn't work out. So we both decided that we didn't need to be married to have a committed, loving relationship. I regret this decision. If I can find out the truth whether he is cheating or not, then I will try to work on the relationship with him and getting married will be the first thing that we will do.

How did his marriages end?

One of them, he fell out of love and the first one, he never really talked about.

Sounds like he probably cheated on them. Have you spoken with his exws? Dr. Harley recommends this. You should find out if he has a history of cheating.

So I finally exploded, irrationally I might add, and confronted him (probably wasn't the best idea, as I don't have concrete proof yet).I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was killing me to know for so long that he has been lying to me.

I texted him that I was at his mistress's place. He called me back repeatedly.I told him I hired a private investigator and I know he has been going to a particular location on Mondays and Thursdays when he is supposedly at work. He never gave me an explanation as why he was at this location.


This morning he came into the room. He said to me "because you are accusing me of cheating, I might as well cheat. I am going to go f**k a b***h". He also said to me "I don't care what you do. If you want to f**k someone, do it, I don't care anymore". Then he said "I just care about my kids. You won't take my kids away from me". I said "I would never take your kids away from you". He said "you should thank me, I am ALLOWING you to stay here with MY kids".
Then he was threatening me with violence. He left for work.

I am thinking to go for counseling for myself to realize that is an unhealthy relationship. He is using many manipulative statics to scare me, especially that he is going to take my kids away from me. He still won't admit or give me any explanation as why he has been at this particular location. I didn't tell him about the GPS tracker, and I don't plan on it. Help!!! I don't know where to go from here. I was willing to work it out if he was honest...but it seems he will not be honest. After 19 years together, now down the drain.

Then you need to call the police and change the locks.

So I exploded, irrationally I might add, and confronted him last night. (This wasn't the best idea, as I still don't have concrete proof). I texted him that I was at his mistress's place.

He immediately called me, repeatedly. I told him that I hired a private investigator and know he has been going to a particular location on some Mondays and Thursdays. He didn't give me any explanation as why he was going to this location when he is supposed to be at work. Either way, he has lied to me.

This morning he came into the room and said to me "since you are accusing me of cheating, I might as well f**k a b***h, and I don't care if you f**k someone, I don't care anymore." He also said "All I care about are my kids". I said "I wouldn't keep the kids from you". He said "My kids are staying with me. You should be thankful I am ALLOWING you to stay here and be with MY kids".


He threatened violence,then went to work.


I need to see a counselor to help me through this and to see that this is an unhealthy relationship. I was hoping we could work this out if he was honest with me, but it seems he doesn't want to be honest.

He is using many manipulative, gaslighting techniques on me. Help!!!

I will not tell him about the GPS tracker. I still love him, and completely heart broken. After 19 years together, down the drain. If it wasn't for the GPS tracker, I would never have known. Now, even though I have a great job, I don't know if I can manage two kids on my own. Also I don't have a strong support network. My sister is there for me but my dad left a long time ago and my mom knows what I am going through, yet she hasn't called me in over a month.

Did you see this ^^^^?

Sorry, I thought the post didn't submit, so I rewrote it.

He said "don't make me turn violent", then he went to work.

Will you call the police and change the locks?

^^^^ I'd like to see an answer to that also.

He didn't actually hurt me physically, so I am not sure if calling the cops will help. I don't know. Maybe I have been with him so long, I just don't know how to end it, or even if I could live without him. Even though I have a decent career, I feel dependent on him financially and emotionally.

What about emailing Dr. Harley?