Hello everyone.
At start sorry for any grammatical and/or lexical error, but I do not come from an English speaking country and it is since a lot of time that I do not make a full English conversation.

I was a boy under thirty, engaged with my fianc� from about 6 years. We do not live together, but we are together about 12-14 hours a day. Our story was like a rollercoaster. I never had an affair, nether she. Our story was great. At the beginning, I was able to complete her sentences and she was able to brake my fear and teach me how to love. However, since 2 years she often feels sad or lonely because I cannot understand her. My behaviour was a problem too. I usually have bad thoughts about her behaviours and cannot really understand why she act in a way so poor of love with me. My biggest problem is my lack of empathy, with a strong distractibility to escape in a world where things goes as I want.

Therefore, I started to work out on my behaviour, trying to live in the moment and to be more mindful. I followed the Zen living idea and from a specialised blog, we discovered HNHN. We both stated to read it. I discovered many new things and it was wonderful to ask her if she also works the way the book says. I believed that I was making a good job: she was happy, I was happy and even our sexual relationships was better. What I did not realized was that she was making every kind of effort to make me happy, while I was doing all except her five most important emotional needs. She often cried for my everyday mistakes, and I always thought that she was only tired of all suffers over the last years.

Moreover, I never understand how powerful my annoying habits and individual behaviours could be, and after the last one, she decided to be alone without me. I was shocked, but I went home without making and trouble to not make she suffers more. The same night I received her �Emotional Needs Questionnaire� and only then, I understand that I was not fulfil any of her most important needs.
Since then, I am reading all books, messages, forum, etc., and only now I am staring to understand what king of monster I was, I strong was her "giver and how fool was mine. We spoke by SMS the next day. I tried to give my apologies to have been so blind, having means and not using them. She was very angry and I cannot blame her. Only after her messages, I read the �The Giver & Taker� and �Three States of Mind in Marriage� articles, understanding many things she wrote me.

Since then, I am reading all books, messages, forum, etc., and only now I am starting to understand what king of monster I was, how strong was her giver and how fool was mine. We spoke by SMS the next day. I tried to give my apologies to have been so blind, having means and not using them. She was very angry and I cannot blame her. Only after her messages, I read the �The Giver & Taker� and �Three States of Mind in Marriage� articles, understanding many things she wrote me.

Now I am reading very mindful and with all my attentions, all articles, and I was focusing on her needs. She do not want to see me and it is a whole day that she do not answer my messages. I do not want to force her to listen to me; neither I want to stalking at her, so I am trying to not send messages. Nevertheless, I do not want that she could think that I forgot about her, because it is not true! The only thing I want now is to restore her happiness and confidence in me. I started to try to meet her needs. I send her my Personal History pdf fully compiled, with some events that I never tell to her because I was ashamed.

I only hope it is not too late. I want to make any effort to make our love works and repair my error. If anyone has story or opinion to share, it can help me for sure. Thank you very much to everyone who will read this

Why have you not married after 6 years of engagement?

Have you read all of these?
Choosing the Right One to Marry #1

Thanks for the reply.
I know it might sound strange, but in our country things goes this way. Moreover, we do not have economic independence (and in this country it is difficult to reach it before age of 30).

Anyway, no, i did not read it yet. I discover all articles, forum, etc, only two days ago. Since then, I am reading as much as i can, trying to understand where and how I went wrong and especially how to fix it

Be sure to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show. There is a lot of daily help you can get there.

And you can always email Dr Harley for free.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Thank you for your advice.

Unfortunately, I write literally halfway around the world and, due to time zone, I find it almost impossible to listen to the live radio (also, my spoken English is not so fluent).

These days we were able to get closer and I really understood how important I am to her and how much she means to me. She is very constructive and willing to do everything for us, just as she has always done. The main problem now is that she falls easily in pain and despair to feel alone and I do not want her to be a victim of these ups and downs, because I'm afraid that might destroy her. We are working together and I am sure that together we can do it. I just hope I do not really mess (just as I did yesterday because of my stupid way to act and be won by the enemies of the conversation). The forum is becoming a good source of ideas and experiences of others often helps me to understand new things.

Thanks to all

Well, its good for you that every hour on the hour, the radio show rebroadcasts! You don't have to listen to it on US time zones .

Actually, the show starts from the beginning every time. If you are listening from the mobile app, you can position the playback at any point in the program. Listening could not be any more convenient. There really isn't any good excuse for not listening to the radio show.

I didn't know

Little update.
During these days, things are going much better.
We communicate, we make love and we are learning how to negotiate. These make me feel very happy, able to do everything and she said, "if I die, I want you to know that I spent the best days of my life. I was only waiting for you". I feel myself a better person and she can feel that too.
However she also feels confused and scared. I can make her happy with a single smile, but in the same way, for every mistake I made, she falls down deeply and she closes in herself.
I know this is obviously after years of my bad behaviour, but I don't want to make her feel bad or deluded.
I am not saying that now I am the prefect husband or similar. I am still learning a lot of think, still understanding past errors. And this often still causes love bank witdrows. How can I avoid this love bank rollercoaster? How can I improve myself, without causing her so much pain? How can I ask her to trust in our love and hold on during this journey, being happy of every new day together, without hurt her feelings?
Any suggestions?

Another update. Four days ago, I had a panic during a night walk with my fianc�. The next day I decided, on her advice, to meet a psychologist to help me go through all this mess. The psychologist said to focus on myself and let �selective attention� go away. Yesterday, my fianc� told me (in a very frustrated way) that she feel lonely and abandoned due to my crisis.
Now I am trying to find myself and let her know how important our relationship is and how I want to resolve my problems to be a reliable husband.
If anyone have some advices, they are all welcome

Yesterday finally she said (or better yell) to me that she feel lonely because my panic totally make me useless to support her and "I am in deep red in my lb account and there is nothing worst I can do".

To better understand, past month (during our back down) she discoverd yo have cyclic vomiting syndrome, a rare disease, even more rare here in Italy. During March she hardly shared her feelings about that and, actually, I was totally unable to support her in this mess. I was too concentrate to how to solve our mess (my psychologist call these selective attention)

This sounds like a question for Dr H - you may want to email him. I had to google what 'selective attention' means but it sounds like you can't give your spouse romantic attention because of this mindset?

I think it would be more calming to focus your attention on your fiance in a pleasant environment than on yourself but ask him, he's the doctor.

As well as being a psychologist he's a relationship expert so he can add advice I think.


Your gf's frustration may also be due to the fact you've been dating six years with no wedding in sight. Even if there are reasons - it is unsatisfactory. Is this about to be addressed? CAN you marry her?




Did you withhold this information from her?

thoughtless, are you listening to the radio show, like we suggested?

To indiegirl:
Two weeks ago, I started psychoanalysis with a professional to find and fix all the underlying causes of my ups and downs in meeting her needs and understand her deepest feelings. Working with my psychologist (and even reading his need, her need) I understood that during my life, I completely buried my emotions and my feelings, trying to rationalize everything that happens to me every day. I really love my fianc�, I really want to make her happy and I am really working hard to change my habits and learn how to satisfy her emotional need. However, my limited emotional side (and so limited or inexistent empathy) made me work on that trying to resolve anything only using mind and following rules written on this forum, MB site and Dr. Harley�s books, like a pc runs an algorithm. Now I am working on my feeling and emotions, to better understand her.
The �selective attention� (that is my translation from Italian term used by my psychologist) is the kind of attention that we all use when we have to accomplish a difficult or specific task (i.e. thread a needle or removing small gears in a pocket clock). Our mind is able to concentrate on this kind of task for a little amount of time and energy. I worked on our love using that kind of attention, focusing on every little detail, every single word she spoke, every single gesture, etc. In this way, I often found �contradictions� between her words and her actions or reaction and on the long-term it caused me the panic. Obviously this is only a small part or the reasons underling my problems in the way in which I approach the relationship, and with my psychologist I am working to detect when, why and how I went �out of the railway�.
About marring her, I really want to. The only real problem is money needed to live together (we both are engineering students supported by family). Reading MB forum and Dr. Harley articles, I am increasingly convinced to marry her and formally commit in this. I daily think about a way to overcome money difficulties. Moreover, during past days, I told her that I really want to marry her, because I love her, I want to spend my life with her and I strongly believe that marriage can help us to put even more effort in our relationship, resolving every problem as a couple (two bodies, one soul), not running away from them. Conversation about marriage went on for 2-3 days and at last I am sure I want to marry her, while she has some fears about it (if you want, I would like to best explain all our talk).
For CVS, she discovered this disease during our past break (about a month ago). When we reconciled she told me everything (the same day). After some days, during an episodes in which I made she feel not supported (she felt deluded) she told me that CVS is not a problem she would like to share with me and face together. However, until past week (even after my panic) she always told me what she everyday discovers about CVS, trying to share her feelings about it. I have spoken of it (my idea about it, my solution, what we should do, etc) only on these occasions (for fear of hurting her, due to what she told me), but I realized that actually she was just asking for my support, and in doing that, I left her alone. From the moment I discovered it, I am informing about it and I joined a CVS support forum to understand CVS patient�s feelings and how I can help her and support her.
I would like to send an e-mail to ask for Dr. Harley advice, but I do not want to be too broad. If you agree, I would like to collect my thoughts, write down a draft and share it here, so that you can help me to correct it (both for the meaning I want to give, both for English)


To Markos:
I have tried, but my english listening skills are not so well to fully understand the topic and Dr. Harley answers


To everyone:
Our actual situation is quite bad. She feel deluded, hurt by my behaviours and says that I am a liar (I do not know well why ). I know that during past 7-8 days I behaved badly, because I did everything and its opposite, sometimes behaving as if nothing had happened, sometimes acting depressed for her words and her actions. She said to hate me, not wanting to have anything to do with me and when we are together she don�t speak to me, don�t answer my question, act irritated if I touch her or I tell her what I think of this situation (that I love her and that I believe that we can resolve this together). She also said that I am a her �ball and chain� and she only want to stay in bad (and she does ). Only now I am slowly releasing fears (first of all to lose her) and I'm trying to focus on support her (although I do not well know how to do it and at the same time respect her needs to be alone), and understanding of what she really needs.

Sorry for this looooooong answer. I tried to be as clear and precise as possible, but I'm sure I missed something or treated superficially some important aspect. Any questions, clarification or advice is very welcome

Maybe tonight (here it's 11pm) is coming attack. She sent me away and she did not want me to be near her. I told her that I am close to her and she can call me whatever happens. She also said that for me she feels only indifference. I replied that is a good progress from hate she felt yesterday. I am going to read again giver, taker and withdraw. Does it exist something like plan A or B applicable to my situation?

Sir,

I think you should see a doctor about your panic attacks.