thats clear.. marriage for me !!!
i want to be with her as i wanted before marriage .. it s just she will hate me when i do this
I guess "Policy of join agreement" doesnt apply here right

She will get over it. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure, it CANNOT survive an affair. She will get over being angry.


It does not apply here!!

About her job, even if the OM quit his job and moved away, her place of employment would be a huge trigger for you. Many people spend years trying to recover from an affair and can't, because they are surrounded by triggers of the A. Would you be comfortable with her going to work every day, knowing that thats where OM and her did XYZ? Of course not, you would have constant reminders.

Moving jobs and even moving away can be very beneficial to recovery. You remove the triggers and any chances of running into the OM, and have a 'fresh start' in a new place.

I have to leave right now, but you should discuss your exposure plans here and let the other board members give you feedback. They can guide you in the best way to do this.

She needs to leave this job, because she has already proven she can't withstand the temptation in a hospital setting. I would explore other jobs with her that are not so risky.

Have you read the exposure thread?

Certainly exposing to the OMW and the employer are the two key targets. But you should expose this A far and wide beyond that as well. This will work to kill the A, and give you both support for recovery. Can you do this?

Yes i read that article "Exposure 101" and i understand that thats the powerful thing to do. Anyway i still having doubts. I definitely want to save our marriage , it s just it s very brutal way. And i know also couple which ve been going through similar issue (maybe not in sucha scale), and are happy together (more than 40 years) without telling anyone (almost)



I am sure it wasnt only about her and OM and the temptation. I have my piece here as well. I can say i wasnt best husband for last year as well.. i didnt go that far to do that. But i am aware that huge piece is just because she didnt felt my love enough..

I just finished to listen this:


and as i understood exposure is part of Plan B as Dr. said. I am not sure about plan B yet - to leave and so on.. I believed we re in Plan A still... Or did i misunderstood and Exposure is simply very first thing to do, even before plan A

Although Exposure would not seem at face value to be part of Plan A, it most definitely is the Most Crucial 1st Step of a viable Plan A.

Without Exposure, which distrupts the Affair, no Plan A Love Bank Deposits can be received into her Love Bank.

The Exposure will cause intense anger, but that will simmer down while you continue a vigilant Plan A.

Someone can link the thread topic for "The Carrot And The Stick Of Plan A" for you, or you can look it up in the Notable Posts Subforum and read it.

LTL

Exposure is NOT a part of Plan B. It is the 1st Step in Plan A.

Men should Plan A their Wayward Wife for AT LEAST 6-12 months and then reevaluate if they feel that progress is being made and decide how much further they can continue.

LTL

Exposure should be done immediately. It is part of plan a. If you refuse to do it, we can't help you.

Exposure is not a 'brutal' way to save your marriage. The only way you will save your marriage is to kill this affair, and exposure is the single greatest tactic to do that. Is it 'brutal' to use your single greatest weapon in running off some nasty OM who is shagging your wife? Is it 'brutal' to want to fight for your marriage and family?

Affairs are BRUTAL. They are painful and devastating to everyone around. Telling the truth, asking for help, that is not brutal.

Agreed. With 1000% of that.

Well we know many many couples who have refused to expose and their marriages ended in divorce.

Even if the secret was kept and the affair ended and they remained married for years, I *highly* doubt they were 'happily married' after sweeping the most devastating thing that could happen to their marriage under the rug.

Listen, this isn't our advice, anonymous people on the MB forum. Exposure is a key element in ending affairs, as advised by Dr. Harley, who has successfully helped thousands of couples to recover from affairs over a 40 year career. But, if you think you know better than he does in your wisdom about affairs, then we can't stop you from digging your own hole.

This is highly unethical behavior and should be reported to the board of medicine. They are endangering patients and colleagues by conducting this affair. They are working distracted which is deadly in a hospital.

I am really thankful for all your suggestions and ideas and that you are sharing your own experience with same/similar situation.
But i also believe that every couple is unique, every person is unique!! We re all very affected how we were educated, what was the relationships of our parents and what are the schemes of behaviours which we ve been faced during our childhood. Some people are simply cowards, introverts and some people are very open and honest from very nature.
As i said, i am having doubts, to go the only single way you re describing here - as the only ultimate true and path for all the couples on the world (as that is how it sounds to me). Some people might be different than you re .. I dont want to say i completely disagree with everything what was written here, there are obviously very good ideas, which i am going to use for my case. Some seems to be not that important right now, and maybe very "encapsulated" without seeing other ways.
What is now important to Me, is the solicitude and effort done by my wife and me. I can see that and i can feel that progress even we re at the beginning...

I can tell you, that i personally feel the OM's wife must know. And also my wife seems to be not strictly against that, because we all know deep inside that it is simply the right thing to do. Even this will cause much pain, it may end up in breaking OM's marriage and ruin childhood of his kids (which will affect their adultery). If that happen and they get divorced - it can allow him to be free and start to bother us again, possibly do the revenge. It may end up the way that they will work on their marriage as well.. who knows that for sure? I am not sure what is the percentage of success here and there, i just feel we cannot measure everybody by same meter ... I am just thinking how smoothly it can be done without suffering of so many people as you re suggesting... if the exposure itself may be done only by me? Or maybe by my wife herself as a proof of her conviction? lets see..

You will probably say (as you actually did already) you can't help me without that telling to everybody who knows us. To me, that is very limited point of view.. I believe that "MB's" help me a lot already and i am thankful for that.
I will keep you posted to let you know how we re doing. And how we handled the whole thing. This is not a thing which will be solved in days or months. I am sure we must continuously working on that for rest of the lives and never give up and the same i received from my wife.
once again Thx and good night from here..

But, affairs are not "unique." We are giving you the steps for recovery after an affair as prescribed by Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He has specialized in saving marriages from infidelity for 40 years. So, we are not "sharing our experiences" we are giving you the same professional advice we received from Dr. Harley that saved our marriages. We know what works and we know that your little plan of enabling will not work. It never does.

You don't have to take the advice here. Just know if you won't take the advice, recovery of your marriage is impossible. There is nothing we can do for you. You will never recover as long as the lovers continue to see each other every day and your wife continues working in that environment. This is simply a true fact.

I wish you the best.

You are helping the OM trick her into staying married to him for your own selfish reasons. She has the RIGHT to decide on her own if she wants to stay married and you are helping him deny her that right. That makes you an accessory to the crime. Not telling this man's poor wife leaves him free to continue his affair with your wife. The OM's wife can't protect herself from your wife if she doesn't know what she has done to her. She will find out that YOU were an accessory to the crime and she will not appreciate your unethical, selfish decision. That karma bus is going to hit you HARD. And you will deserve it.

Sir - that's like saying you have a unique way of digesting food. No one is that unique. Affairs are the same. There is no such thing as a unique wayward spouse. How do we know? Because the behavior is SO predictable.

He is the fat guy who has no earthly idea how to lose weight lecturing the slim people on how it is done. We will see how that works out for him....