Hi everyone
I am not sure how to start this topic, so i will simply start from scratch.
I fall in love with my wife in 2005, and after 8 happy loving years together we decided to get married. We re married for almost 3 years now (in June). We have no kids, no mortgage... In January (5th) this year i found out that my wife has been unfaithful to me with her colleague from work. I never thought this may happen to me, as she is all my life. Also i never had suspicion about the unfaithfulness... I found out through the cell phone (voice recording). Now you maybe think , if i never been suspicious about her, how come i recorded that hm? I am working in IT, and at the beginning of this year she had to turn the phone back to manufacture setting, so i helped her and i loaded some applications for her, and as well app called "android lost" which will help you to locate the phone, send sms on that phone, voice record, block it entirely etc... just in case she will lose it one day... Once she left to work i wanted to test it (and mainly sent her message on the screen.. something like "I love you", and i started recording the voice... Unfortunately on that very worst moment..I ve never think i will find out this...

The affair was going on for 8 months (since May 2014). What i did is, that after i hear that, i immediately wrote to her, how could she do that to me? and that i want her immediately to return back home. I play that record to her... tears, cry, screaming...
I left home for week and I ve been reading through "Marriage Builders" pages and discussions a lot, to find out what should i do. I returned and i started to talk to her if she really wants to stay with me ? and what and how that happened. She committed to stop cheating. She is promising to me that she will not do that again. But as they re seeing each other on daily basis i cannot simply go over that...I brought up the rules as "complete honesty rule" and "Policy of join agreement" also i told her i need her to never ever see and talk and anyhow get in contact with him any more for rest of the lives. I print out the "emotional needs questionnaire" to find out what is she missing (because she has issues to explain this and other inner feelings). I filled in mine, and till now i am waiting for hers

My wife is not really willing to leave current work place - hospital (it s not about money, but about friends and possibilities in carrier and business related educations) So i decided to do it the other way around, and i went to talk to this guy, i told him that i will not tell that to his wife and family (he has 2 little girls, parents, friends etc..) if he will leave this hospital and find a job in other city. Also i told him to not talk to my wife, dont look, dont do anything personal or emotional (gifts, smiles, ) and un-professional ... After 2 months of doubts - it seems they both are following those rules in "limits" (they simply must talk a bit if there are no other doctors and patients are critical...)
Yesterday (24th Feb) i wrote to him that i am expecting him to leave ASAP, he replied back, that from May 2015 he will start in hospital 80 km far from here (btw hospital where my wife will need to go in 2016 daily for couple months to finish some part of "education" and became attested Dr. = RISK) -> I am not quite sure i did the right thing? He is not moving there with whole family, only he will work there. There is still possibility we will meet him in shop, swimming pool, outside in "our" City where we all live.

In addition there has not been any exposure of this unfaithfulness to his wife and also no exposure to my unfaithful wife's family (only one of her sisters know, but no one else). I told this to 3 of my best friends and my parents...
When i imagine how much that hurts - that pain is so unbelievable. Actually after several discussions and ensuring from her - It s "better" now, but when i recall some details, or that record it s back again, when she leaves to work daily i am feeling terrible, cause i cannot be sure what is going on there. Even i think they are really following rules, it s hard / "nothing for granted". My wife is always telling me if they have seen each other on the briefing or during a day.

I "dont want" to tell this to his wife, especially if they have such a little kids. She is very different temper than i am (what i found out about her, she is on high position in same hospital, strict...). And i dont want ruin those kids lives, i mean i dont want those girls to grow up alone... Mainly i dont want to be the one telling her the worst and most painful thing ever and bringing that brutal pain into her and their kids lives. I am not sure here, is it really so necessary, to make them aware and cause that pain to them (her and kids of course)? And in addition i told him - to not expose that, if he is moving to other hospital. What should i do now with the exposure? With my commitment ?
thanks a lot for your advices...

I know it is a long post

I am having additional remarks ... During last 2 months i ve been doing really a lot to fix relationship between me and my wife, everything what i knew that my wife doesnt like (i ve been avoiding ) or do like (i ve been doing) - after agreement through the "Policy of Join Agreement", i was very much trying to infill all her needs (even i am missing the "emotional needs" answers from her) On the other way i dont feel the same is coming from her side - she didnt even read my answers in the questionnaire. She is not doing much to fully fill my needs and i am feeling desperate now. I am doing so much and having almost nothing back (not enough of nice words, or other expressions - like that she really wants to be with me for rest of life, not much time together due to work, no intimacy at all,..
We re keep trying and at least we re talking to each other daily, We re having deep conversation 1-2 x week, I need to ask the questions and it take a time to her to understand her own feelings and needs... But this is clarifying some pain points and what i am expecting and also what she is expecting...
Should i keep going on this approach? Should i leave for some time and let her have a space and time , to clarify what is important to her? and what she wants without me influencing those decisions??

thanks again fellas

Hi Kwan

Unfortunately you are not in recovery because the affair is still ON. As long as they still work together then you have no hope of killing this.

Your wife needs to leave the hospital. You also need to expose to OM's wife. She needs to know what is happening in her marriage. You should also expose to her workplace and whoever their supervisors are.

Your marriage has no chance of surviving if she still works with him and they are seeing each other every day.

Thanks rocksolid.
Anyway he is changing the place of work from May.. should i wait till then? Or force my wife to leave immediately? Also he will be on vacation for 3 weeks during April..so during those weeks it will be safe place.. and than he is moving out from this hospital...

You cannot afford to wait until May. She needs to leave and you need to expose.

Have you read Surviving An Affair?

The vets will be along soon to help you further but this is the checklist for how affairs should end.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

And this is about exposing.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

Yes i ve seen those and particulary we re following those as :

__Done___The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

__Partially___The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
- due to work, i ve been waiting till May.. why i cannot afford to wait till may?

__NOT___The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
- why it must be a letter written by her? I talked to him and told him all, i recorded that and my wife agreed with everything i told him. She said if he will attempt to contact her she will tell him the same ...

__?___The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
- i agree with that...


__Done___Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
- mail changed, his number and all contacts deleted from phone, social network is also blocked for him, anyway they never communicated in this way.. only F2F at workplace

__DONE___Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

__DONE___Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

__DONE___Spend leisure time together.
- we do, sauna, swim, yoga, bike, garden...

__Partially___Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
- he is going to move out from that work based on my demands. I suppose this will work

___Partially__Avoid overnight separation.
- docotors are having night shifts in our case it s 3x time a month. But i ensured (24 hour schedule) that she will not have night shift with him, they are signing those night shifts on different days.

__?___Allow technical accountability.
- not quite sure what this is

__No___ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
- some of my friends knows, my parents knows, her sister know.
- her parents doesn't know, her friends doesn't know, OM's wife doesnt know

Yes, thanks, i read that as well.. i must say i dont fully agree with that approach. This will cause a pain to many other people and bring my dignity even more down... Well i would possibly agree to expose that to the OM's wife, since she has full right to know about that..And i am definitely going to tell this to OM's wife, if he will not leave permanently current work place (OM's wife can push him to move pretty hardly i guess)... but why should i tell this to all friends of my wife? to my wife family? I dont want to cause them suffering as well...

As someone who has been through this, exposure is the ONLY thing that was able to crack my husband's affair. I guarantee you, the affair is still on.

A useless pencil whipping exercise.

The above is absolutely meaningless because you have not taken the FIRST STEP which is complete separation of the affairees. You must take step one FIRST. You wasted your time pencil whipping this checklist.

Secondly, what kind of person keeps an affair secret? If your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling her money would you use this same lame excuse to not warn her?
This man's wife doesn't get an opportunity to save her marriage because you are helping your wife and her creepy boyfriend trick her. This woman needs to know about the affair so she can protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband.

Sir, you need to stop being an enabler. All you are doing is enabling this affair. Your wife and the OM are perfectly free to carry on their affair all day long at work. The longer you allow this, the more entrenched the affair becomes. And the more entrenched it becomes, the harder it will be to save your marriage. You need to step up here and get off your butt.

You don't agree with that approach? Can I point out that you don't know how to save a marriage and are making so many critical mistakes one hardly knows where to begin. Do you want to save your marriage? Then you need to put aside your own uninformed, inexperienced, ignorant ideas and listen to us. Otherwise we cannot help you save your marriage.

Nothing you have done so far will help your marriage. All you are doing is ENABLING an affair and hurting people.

Exposure is the most therapeutic thing you can do for your wife and the OM. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so getting it out into the open kills it. It is like bringing a crowd of onlookers into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It is no fun to get high when people are watching.

Here is what Dr. Harley says about exposure:




You should tell her TODAY. She needs to know NOW so she can protect herself and her children. Especially since you choose to ENABLE the affair. She needs the opportunity to bust it up.


You should tell them because you CARE about your wife and want their support in saving your marriage. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable and support your marriage.

Keeping an affair secret is what HARMS your wife and your marriage.

Dr. Harley tells a betrayed husband who was doing the exact same thing you are doing that it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. This man's wife left him for the OM because he did just like you did: he enabled the affair. Listen here here

woundednotbroken - thank you for your input.
BUT I think this is very strong and strict statement you did. How can you guarantee that?
Yes obviously it can be/is ON since they can meet each other at work, i agree with that.., Just it s not same ON as it was.. they dont spend nights together, since i am checking her night shifts, coming to work for visit (with dinner), keeping eye and ear there etc.
And i am also "quite sure" that all three of us are following rules which i put on the table. He pretty quickly managed to get a job in other hospital, bcs he is frightened of the exposure to his wife... Which leads me to an idea - wouldn't be easier for him just moved out from this hospital and possibly find another wife somewhere else, rather than risk all his life with his family, bcs he knows i can ruin that all, if he will not do what i told him???

My wife doesnt want to loose me, I dont want to loose her, and the OM obviously prefer his family - kids and wife... (my wife said that he mention at the beginning that he don't want to loose his family bcs of my wife, which i suppose is still valid..maybe not since they created relationship together not just intimate relat..)

But maybe you re right , simply i cannot be sure... If i expose that, does that make me sure forever? i dont think so.. i learned that you cannot count with anything in life for sure , You can only be less sceptic...

Yes the exposure may help to end the affair, but i still think, that 1st thing is to get rid of him, once he is out i can expose to his wife to ensure he is not coming back, rather than risk that my wife will leave me bcs of that pain all around her family, work etc..She may start to think i did it as punishment or revenge...

MelodyLane, thanks for your comments,,, i would need to think a little bit about that..
to that "TODAY" thing.. they re having family vacation till end of the week, should i ruin that to his kids?

The only thing you are helping is the AFFAIR. You are an accessory to the crime now and the Om's wife will find this out. We can't help you if you choose to be an enabler. I view this as a hopeless situation if you don't step up here and start taking some action to save your marriage.

If your wife was an alcoholic do you think it would be a good idea for her to spend her days in the bar drinking? Could an alcoholic possibly sober up that way? Because that is what you are expecting here.

Sir, you ARE ruining their lives by helping their creepy father and your wife cover up their affair. Do you want to help these children or do you want help your wife and her creepy boyfriend hide their affair?

definitely i want to help the kids, and get my marriage back in rails

That is good to hear. If you truly want to achieve this end, then you are going to stop hurting your marriage by keeping the affair a secret. You cannot recover a marriage this way.

First off, your wife cannot work there anymore. She has to leave that job and create a plan so she NEVER EVER NEVER sees the OM again. She should not ever work in such an environment again because she cannot be trusted in a big hospital.

You have to take this stance and insist she leave that job.

What you should do immediately is expose this affair. Expose it to OM's wife, your wife's close family and friends. Without forewarning her.

Once you expose it, I would tell your wife you will give her 30 days to leave that job or you will expose the affair to her Human Resources department. If she is still there in 30 days, I would expose it there. If she won't leave the job, you don't have a marriage anyway because recovery will be hopeless.

Ok, i guess you re right. I cannot be the one who is keeping it in secret.. i wouldnt want that from OM wife either

Cannot she stay at work ,and OM move instead? we just moved into this city 6 months ago And he is willing to move out..

jesus this is hard

Whats more important, the city you live in/some stupid job, or your marriage and the continuation of your marriage?