Six years ago I met a J. We spent a lot of time together as friends, then eventually as lovers. I loved being with him we had more fun together than any other I have ever been with. The problem was, J. was married. Soon after our relationship turned sexual, I left to join the military. I was very confused by this turn of events in our relationship and I was glad to leave and get away from him. He insisted that he and his wife were having a lot of problems and that they would divorce after she finished school. How convenient, right? I'm not stupid, so I cut off all ties to J. Sometime in the beginning of '96, started thinking about J. again. I was not stable enough myself to seek a relationship with him, but he did weigh heavy on my mind. By '98, I decided that I had to find J. again. If he was still married I would leave him be, But if he wasn't, I wanted to try to be a part of his life again. I searched high and low for J. I looked up old friends, I checked the internet, phone books, everything I could think of. I came to the realization that I probably would not find him, not without a social security number or at least a city he may live in. I went on with my life. In Jan of this year I met a very nice man and after a way too short romance and engagement, we married in August. The night before I married C. I had a dream of J. He was telling me not to marry C. because we were very close to finding each other. I put the dream off as premarital jitters and married C. anyway despite the fact that I spent the whole day hoping and praying that somehow J. would show up and whisk me away. One month after I married, I found J. He was now divrced as he said he would be and he wanted to resume our relationship. I love him very much, I always have. C. knows everything that is going on in my life. He knows I am in love with another man and he knows I am very unhappy. He said if I leave, he will hurt himself. I care about C. and I would die if he hurt himself because of something I did. But I go through everyday of my existance sickend by the fact that I am not married to the man I love, but to a man I like. I don't know how long I can mentally survive this way. I have no friends to talk to about this and I never do any right in my mothers eyes, so I can't get her advise about this, either. Besides, she was the one who convinced me I should marry this guy. What I need is a surrogate friend or mother who could help me put my life in perspective. Am I doing the right thing by staying? C. is the only one benefitting from this while J. and I suffer from not expressing our love for each other. Help me Please!!!

MistyJ<BR> When you decide to marry C. You entered into a sacred contract. You knew you was having doubts before you got married. That was the time to stop this relationship. If you didn't love this man with your whole heart. You just commited the ultimate sin. Just because you have not sinned with this man you have already in your heart. I think you really need to evaluate yourself and your mariage. THINK about this man you are about to hurt. Is it really worth it. Whose to say that it's going to last with J? All I can say is THINK!

Hi MistyJ -<P>Well, this is an awful mess now, isn't it......<P>Have you gone to a counselor at all yet?<BR>If not, I would advise you to find a good one and make an appointment pronto!! You need to start taking a good look at what's going on. Your husband will also need to go to help him deal with all this...<P>This is a dilemma....besides the obvious of taking vows that you really didn't mean....<P>About your H....None of this is fair to him...whether you stay or get out of the marriage - he is crushed!! I don't like the "hurting himself" part though and that shows instability (or manipulation) and that alone is a good reason for him to be in counseling!!<P>about this J guy...First of all, for him to be having affairs when he is married (happy or unhappy) is a MAJOR problem when thinking of a future. What did he do to educate himself on his part in the demise of the marriage? Did he just blame it all on his wife? I don't think so!!! Is this a man that has not learned anything about himself or relationships and will just repeat his patterns? <P>Got Red Flags popping up concerning him!!!<P>I would stay away from him for now and start counseling...explore your feelings and reasons for why you do the things you do first. Then see where it takes you....If this J guy is so wonderful, he will understand and respect your need for this time and will leave you alone.<P>If he doesn't then or even now - he is not respectful and there is still some morals and values issues that he has not dealt with.....YOU ARE MARRIED at the moment and should act accordingly.<P>Do not pursue, no matter how much you want to...counsel first!!! Keep in mind that the thoughts we create for fantasies are often much better than the reality we end up with...if this J is the man that God intended for you - then you must be sure to begin the relationship without pain to others and doing "wrong" for yourselves.<P>Nothing works that has a foundation built on lies, pain and suffering of others......Follow what is the right way<BR>to untangle this mess and God will surely walk with you through it.<P>Hugs and Prayers to you,<P>Sheba