Thanks for the 2 X 4�s. It�s hard to explain why I stopped the divorce proceedings � it just seemed so wrong to push for divorce.

Fortunately my WW got drunk last Saturday and showed me her boundaries around other men are still non-existent. That dose of reality was sickening � enough to cause me to lose any remaining respect I had for her.

Yesterday I went back to the courts and was able to reinstate the divorce proceedings. In less than two weeks we are divorced.

It is much better this way. My WW may come around sometime in the future � she is so narcissistic in her behavior, that I doubt this. She has allowed all her friends to leave her � because she will not admit to having made a mistake with this OM.

In less than two weeks I will have moved out. She will be forced to sell our house and the winnings are pocketed evenly.

Thanks to all of you who have supported me in the decision.

I am a bit concerned about the personal cynical judgment posted by �outchthathurt� � it wasn�t in line with the encouraging criticism uniformly displayed by all other MB posters. Similar comments have been made to other posters � some of which have received disapproval from the moderators on this board.

Each BS knows intuitively what the required time line in their case is � my plan A was long. I needed to make up for also having been a WS. I have now done what I wanted to do and am satisfied with it.

Best regards to all,
Schooner

If you think that comments need to be edited then you must tell the moderators about the post. Click "notify" under the relevant post.

Of course, if it's just a valid opinion that you dislike, or disagree with, it might not be changed.

Having reread the post a number of times, I concede that of all the comments, it is the one that woke me up. So, thanks ouchthathurt, I needed that extra push to see this divorce through.

As uncomfortable as cynicism can make us feel, it does not rise to the level described in TOS.
Having said that, please (and I mean this sincerely) feel free to make a moderator report whenever a post seems to be skidding on the edge of the rules. I do.

Today I handed my WW the final notice of divorce. There is no turning back. I made it absolutely clear to her why we are divorcing � her continued contact with the OM at work.

I don�t feel she is lying when she says that the OM is avoiding her. This is irrespective, because she still feels that he is a big part of her experiences.

I got a little satisfaction in giving her the letter just as she (again) told me that she (had) liked the OM immensely and would not have had SF with him if this were not so.

The fog never really lifted for long � renewed contact at work did the damage.

My plan B will start when we have sold the house and divided the assets � it will probably end up being permanent.

At present, it doesn�t hurt very much � the feelings are more of vast disappointment.

There is something I just don�t understand. My WW has lost ALL of her long-time friends during the last year. This week she lost a new friendship which someone (female) whom she was really hoping to be close to. She doesn�t acknowledge that it is due to her behavior.

She keeps on assuring me that she does not want to divorce � of course not, this may be her last day of employment. She has used up all her unemployment benefits and will have next to zero income for the following year.

I can understand that this temporary employment was financially important � it is her sole justification for being there. Unfortunately she just cannot buck the side-effects of continued contact � whether she actively wants to or not, she is continuously fogged out � no matter how much she thinks that she can put it aside.

That is the reason I initially cancelled these divorce proceedings � because I sincerely believed that she was trying. The sad part is that her intentions are immaterial � you don�t control whether you are foggy or not (at least from what I observe).

The real issue I am fighting against, the reason why her friends (at least some of them have admitted to me) no longer wish to have anything to do with her, is her entitlement. It is so obvious � some find it entertaining. Her ability to attract men is undisputable. I see it and so does everyone else. She admits that she needs to feel that men desire her.

This is the part of her that she will not or cannot change. She is the same flirt she was when we met � I was not able to get her to stop then either � hence all the resentment on my part. My own betrayals, however, are due to my own self-esteem issues � I took the cowards approach to fixing a problem in my head only.

Right now, life sucks a bit.

No. This is what she wants.
She's 45. This sort of sexually based admiration won't be available forever.
Your WW has not distinguished between what she WANTS and what she NEEDS.
She may not be a deep thinker.
She may never have given it any consideration.
Plan B (once you get there) could provide her the space to reflect on what she needs instead of what she wants.


Motivation to change comes from within.
If WW is not motivated, she remains who she is.
Until she is motivated .... usually by pain provided by outside circumstances.



What "self-esteem issues"?
You don't get off that easily!
Dig deeper.
I think people blame low self esteem when they haven't done a proper self inventory.

My guess is... your wife uses other men to boost her "self esteem". Right?
I suspect you did a similar thing during your own betrayals.
You used OW to provide a positive reflected sense of self instead of earning self respect by virtue of doing good deeds.


A bit.
But, you're alive.
You have some good things going in your favor.
Begin looking at your strengths and your talents and your skill sets.

I think working on a deeper level of understanding of what motivates you, would be time well spent.

Don't date.
You are vulnerable to that reflected sense of self trap.

I think you and WW have that in common.

Something to think about .... You married a known flirt.
Can you come up with a reason why a flirt seemed to be a match for you?
How did she make you feel when she flirted with you? Think of her flirtation as a mirror you used to gauge your manhood.

This is not to diagnose her character, but yours!!!

On "Self Esteem;"


Google - Katt Williams Self Esteem.

I can't post it here, most will find it vulgar and offensive.

However, if I were to simplify and recap;

"You have to be great to you. Stop waiting on men to verify it. If you are great, you are great. We are tired of you being with us and blaming us for things we have no control of 'you ruined my self-esteem.' It's called SELF-ESTEEM. Esteem of self. How did I ruin the way YOU feel about YOU?"

Hello MB team! Just to let you all know and to validate what you have advised me and countless others - we are still married and are now more devoted to each other than before.

To recapitulate on our situation - my wife had an affair with a co-worker and although I ended it by exposing, confronting the OM and caused him to lose interest in her, the fact that she continued working with him for a further two years, meant that she never lifted out of the fog and become disillusioned with him.

It's now two years since she was laid off from the company and is now employed elsehere. The fog has completely lifted and we enjoy each other's company.

For all those who doubt the principles of MB - they really work, if applied fully.

Thanks for all the advice given in my time of need.

Best regards,
Schooner

Good for you!! Thanks for the update!

Thanks for the update. I hope all heed this and see how important NC for life with the affair partner.