I already answered the question about whether they see each other on business trips. This is a new team. The first time the team was pulled together to meet in person was a few weeks ago when my husband flew out to headquarters for a two day trip that was split between the kick off meeting where he would have met her in person for the first time and working with his boss and another team on another project. I have read the emails about how this team was formed and from them I know he did not know her previous to her being put on the team. He did not request her, he was not even the person who contacted the department asking for someone to help with the project.

After the kick off meeting she was working primarily with a woman everyone hates. She went through the training and was having difficulty getting information from this woman and was copying everyone and their brother trying to get someone to help her get the information she needed to do her job. This went on for awhile but she still couldn't get what she needed from the team (made up of people from various departments). My husband had to step in to make sure she got what she needed - that worked, once someone high enough in the company told people to give her what she needed the project could finally start moving. That was the point that she seems to have latched onto him and then she started to just directly send her business questions to him. He has not traveled since that initial kick off meeting and he has no trips planned.

She wouldn't need to fly anywhere - she works at headquarters.

The biggest issue here is your defensive nature and readiness to argue meaningless points.

The facts: your H has had at least one former EA with a coworker, your H has indicated an unwillingness to be transparent with you, and your H is currently in excessive personal contact with another coworker in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

You are trying to convince us that his work style is completely professional but, the facts speak for themselves and clearly that is not the case. You are trying to convince us that the ways that he communicates with people is totally normal and acceptable and travel is not negotiable, and we are trying to tell you that 'normal and acceptable' is sometimes what leads to affairs, and if you want to *affair proof* your marriage you need to apply extraordinary precautions to do that. The reason people are bringing up their own employment (because we don't care if he works at 7-11 or is the president, MB is applied the same) is because they want to show you that there IS another way to do business without jeopardizing your marriage. What you are really saying is that you are willing to risk ANOTHER affair to keep things standard quo in his professional career.

If that is the case, what can we help you with?

How do you install the spyware and key logger. I have tried to find out how to do that but I am not the most IT savvy person on the planet. I was under the impression you had to know the passcodes to do that and was worried that somehow the key logger software would show up as foreign on his work computer since you aren't allowed to install any software on the computer that isn't sent via the company.

He sleeps like a log so I could easily do this at night!

Please forgive me for putting you out and asking you a question you already answered. Unfortunately, I have a full time career and a marriage and won't have time to post to you anymore.

Take a look in the Operate Investigate Forum for the keylogger threads. You can go to the keylogger website to read how the installation works, features etc.

Do you get mailed a paper bill for his credit cards or personal cell phone which you can look at or is it all paperless statements?

Does he pay these bills from a joint bank account or is that separate too?

Thank you all for trying to help. I apologize if I have come across as rude or defensive.

I think this probably just isn't the place for me. I think I am looking for some advice on how to get my husband to understand that by not pulling back from this woman, she is reading it as being interested. And that my concern is that if that familiarity is allowed to continue it could develop into an EA.

I am not looking for drastic measures that are treating this as if it is an EA that is already occurring. This situation is concerning to me BECAUSE we went through an EA, but based on everything I have gathered it is NOT an EA yet so it doesn't make sense for me to treat it like one or to condemn my husband for it like it is one.

I am most definately not making excuses for my husband not pulling back with this woman - I think he should, that is why I am worried.

Even if your husband was having an EA, it would not help for you to condemn him. I hope nobody is recommending that. Trying to educate or argue with your husband will not help things at all.


Don't waste your time trying to get him to understand. Trying to educate him is hopeless. Instead, don't tolerate it. Let him know that ending this is a condition of being with you. If he does not end it, it will eventually become more and more painful to you, until you will not be able to even stand to be with him.

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show?

You talk to him...and respectfully complain that his behavior upsets you, worries you, and especially after his EA from years ago that you need him to have better boundaries around this woman. He can balk all he wants but he knows where his EA from seven yrs ago landed him. You said family and friends were told about it...ask him if he wants a repeat because the reality is that is where this can lead if he CHOOSES to continue talking to the woman about non-essential work issues. If something bothers you it is a problem.

I would still seek out this woman's husband and inform him that you are very uncomfortable with his wife being so personal with your husband. And you could even tell this woman the same as well.

I do recommend you put the keylogger on for your own peace of mind. If there is nothing going on, great but if there is you can then deal with it. Not having transparency is going to eat at you. There is no reason you shouldn't be able to view credit card bills, bank statements, or a phone bill. If your H was remorseful for hurting you 7 yrs ago he should WANT to reassure you that you feel at ease...you can tell him that too.

x 2

Don't try to get your husband to agree with your perspective. Center your complaint around the fact that what he is doing HURTS you. He can't argue with that.

It is a disrespectful judgement to preach at or lecture your husband on what is the right way to behave. Even if it is blindingly obvious. I would also guess you have tried making a respectful request that it hurts your feelings (rather than it being incorrect behaviour) - and that he has dismissed your feelings.



We would not recommend you 'condemn' or any other type of lovebusting behaviour!

Far from it.

Also, snooping is not a 'drastic' measure - it is what happens in healthy protective marriages even when there is not so many major red flags or historical problems as there are here.

You cannot lose with snooping. Either you will see healthy behaviours which reassure you or behaviours which need to stop. Also if this blossoms into an EA you will be able to squish it while it is still young and fragile.

I didn't say this was already an EA although I don't know how you have assumed flat out that it isn't. I would certaintly not rule it out given the way they talk to each other. If it's his second affair he will have learned how to be much more circumspect.

That's the other danger of confronting him outright - not only is it a lovebuster but you will be tipping your hand and encouraging him to use other channels of communication you can't see. That's why you need to get snooping in place before you say anything - ideally watch it for a time quietly too.

I would take Melody Lane's advice if you want her back on here. She's by far the most experienced poster and has prevented scads of affairs in her ten years here.