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We've been together for 3 years and married for one, we have a beautiful baby boy who is one year old. I love them more than emotions can tell, but recently we've reached a breaking point in our marriage, where nothing is right, and all I think about and stress about is "The next fight."
So the root of all of our huge fights has to do with my brothers girlfriend. I went to bootcamp and while I was gone apparently my brother and his girlfriend exchanged some words, and got into a little argument. Since that day my wife has had this hatred against that girl. I understand holding a grudge, but she literally hates that girl so much that anyone who is acquainted with her, is against my wife.
We recently had my son's first birthday party, and we got into several huge arguments in the weeks approaching the party, about her not wanting my brothers girlfriend coming to the party. I just thought it was selfish and cruel, and I did not agree with her. She keeps mentioning that the house is hers, and its her rules, and my parents are getting involved making rules in her home, and saying that I'm not a man, that her and My son are not my priorities.
It makes me so sad, because I have given them every thing, I joined the military, changed my ways, and she keeps telling me how unspoortive I am, and how I choose my family over her.
My parents opened up their doors to her when her sister kicked her out of the house, my parents allowed us to stay at their house, no rent, no food, they expected nothing of us in return. Her sister kicked her out, left her basically with the clothes on her back, and the only people their for her was US!
my wife and her sister eventually came back into contact, they just forgot about what had happened between them, and became friends again. Her family is perfect, of course In her eyes, and I never have anything bad to say about them because I have enough respect to keep my mouth shut. She on the other haND can go on for a day and half about my family.
Keep in mind the root of all this is her hatred towards my brothers girlfriend!
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Keep in mind the root of all this is her hatred towards my brothers girlfriend! Hi usnavy, welcome to Marriage Builders. The root of the problem is that you are forcing your wife to do things against her will. That is controlling and as you have learned, leads to fights. If you want to have a happy marriage, you should not do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of you BOTH. [and I am excluding reluctant agreements] Instead of inflicting win/lose decisions on your wife, we teach couples to negotiate win/win decisions. It makes me so sad, because I have given them every thing, I joined the military, changed my ways, and she keeps telling me how unspoortive I am, and how I choose my family over her. You did exactly that. You placed your family's desires over her feelings and badgered her into doing what you wanted. That approach will eventually destroy your marriage. It leads to fights and incompatibility. If you want to have a successful, romantic, loving marriage, you need to gain negotiation skills that will help you come to decisions that benefit you both. Please read this and come back and lets talk: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2015
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I understand, but is it only my responsibility to be supportive? Should it not go both ways, or do I bend over and take it? We've been to marriage counseling, and the counselor is only on my side. Im a very peaceful person and all I want in my life is peace. She feeds off drama, and enjoys drama. How do we negotiate, when negotiation is not part of her plan? It's either her way or no way.
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] My parents opened up their doors to her when her sister kicked her out of the house, my parents allowed us to stay at their house, no rent, no food, they expected nothing of us in return. Her sister kicked her out, left her basically with the clothes on her back, and the only people their for her was US! You have a lot going against this marriage because of the poor habits you gained while living together. The above indicates a very common mentality of couples who lived together before marriage. They believe in the practice of sacrifice and people who sacrifice tend to keep score. When the score is not even, demands, fights, and disrespect follow. That is what I see in your post. It is called a "renters" approach and couples who live together before marriage tend to take this bad habit into marriage. The problem with this approach is that it leads to fights and the couple quickly falls out of love. The one who is doing the sacrificing eventually gets tired of making sacrifices and develops resentment. And when the score is not even, fights are the result. Couples that live together before marriage have an 85% divorce rate for the reasons I gave above. We can help you break the bad habits you learned while living together.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I understand, but is it only my responsibility to be supportive? Should it not go both ways, or do I bend over and take it? You should stop forcing her to do things against her will. Nor should she force you to do things against your will. Not allowing you to force her into things is not "bending over and taking it." We've been to marriage counseling, and the counselor is only on my side. This is because marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to make a marriage great. Not. a. clue. Marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. Any "counselor" who tells you to control and bully your wife into reluctant agreements is an enemy of marriage and will lead you straight to divorce. You are headed to divorce right now and I guarantee you if you don't' make a radical change you will be divorced inside of 5 years. It doesn't have to be like that. Im a very peaceful person and all I want in my life is peace. She feeds off drama, and enjoys drama. How do we negotiate, when negotiation is not part of her plan? It's either her way or no way. This is very disrespectful and a big reason why you have fights with your wife. You are here trying to force and bully her into a reluctant agreement and then have the nerve to say 'its either her way or no way?" Seriously?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm speaking out of emotion, which is why I'm here desperately looking for help. It's very hard to negotiate with her! Like we just had a fight because we had bought my son a tricycle for his birthday, than my parents gave him a trycicle. She wants to return the trycle my parents gave him because she doesn't like it, but I like it. So I said let's keep both trycicles and call it even, well she storms out of the house saying she's going to leAve. I tried to compromise
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I'm here for an opinion to maybe change my point of view
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I never saw it that way and thank you for clarifying it. So maybe she wasn't wrong. (Keep in mind, my brothers girlfriend never showed up.) Were still fighting about it though.
she really dislikes my little sister who is 7 years old, and I think it's because my sister is close to my brothers girlfriend.
I'm not forcing her to do anything I'm simply trying to come up with a neutral solution.
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Thank you as well, I'm seeing things a tad bit differently
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I'm speaking out of emotion, which is why I'm here desperately looking for help. It's very hard to negotiate with her! Like we just had a fight because we had bought my son a tricycle for his birthday, than my parents gave him a trycicle. She wants to return the trycle my parents gave him because she doesn't like it, but I like it. So I said let's keep both trycicles and call it even, well she storms out of the house saying she's going to leAve. I tried to compromise We can help you turn this around, but the first thing you and your wife must do is stop the angry outbursts, demands and disrespectful judgments. I understand it is hard to learn to negotiate when you are not skilled in doing this, but you will never be able to negotiate if you fight. When you fight, all hope is lost. I would stop trying to resolve any issues for now and avoid fights at all cost. You are going to have to educate yourself on this program and the first place you should start is eliminating love busters, which are angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, etc. Start reading here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html and go through all the basic concepts. You really do need to get the book Lovebusters and go through the lessons with your wife. Once you eliminate these bad habits, we can teach you how to negotiate mutually beneficial decisions. We are not going to teach you to "compromise" or "sacrifice;" we will teach you a 3rd alternative.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would like you to read this to see what I mean: I hate Chinese food and my H hates Mexican. I love Mexican and he loves Chinese. So I make a compromise with him that he endures Mexican and as an "incentive" I will go suffer through Chinese with him.
Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.
This is called sacrifice aka win/lose. It leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his Mexican night.
The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy and no one sacrifices at the others expense.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We've been together for 3 years and married for one, we have a beautiful baby boy who is one year old. I love them more than emotions can tell, but recently we've reached a breaking point in our marriage, where nothing is right, and all I think about and stress about is "The next fight." So stop picking fights
So the root of all of our huge fights has to do with my brothers girlfriend. I went to bootcamp and while I was gone apparently my brother and his girlfriend exchanged some words, and got into a little argument. Since that day my wife has had this hatred against that girl. I understand holding a grudge, but she literally hates that girl so much that anyone who is acquainted with her, is against my wife.
We recently had my son's first birthday party, and we got into several huge arguments in the weeks approaching the party, about her not wanting my brothers girlfriend coming to the party. I just thought it was selfish and cruel, and I did not agree with her. She keeps mentioning that the house is hers, and its her rules, and my parents are getting involved making rules in her home, and saying that I'm not a man, that her and My son are not my priorities. Why are your brother's girlfriend's feelings more important to you than your wife's?
It makes me so sad, because I have given them every thing, I joined the military, changed my ways, and she keeps telling me how unspoortive I am, and how I choose my family over her. Because you are.
My parents opened up their doors to her when her sister kicked her out of the house, my parents allowed us to stay at their house, no rent, no food, they expected nothing of us in return. Her sister kicked her out, left her basically with the clothes on her back, and the only people their for her was US! Does that mean that your wife has to give in to their wishes for the rest of her life (or however long your marriage lasts}?
my wife and her sister eventually came back into contact, they just forgot about what had happened between them, and became friends again. Her family is perfect, of course In her eyes, and I never have anything bad to say about them because I have enough respect to keep my mouth shut. She on the other haND can go on for a day and half about my family.
Keep in mind the root of all this is her hatred towards my brothers girlfriend! If I were your wife, I would think that you were interested in your brother's girlfriend. ANd I too would NEVER!!!! want her around. You are keeping score and it is ruining your marriage. You can learn new habits but you need to get on it ASAP if you want a happy marriage.
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Your family is your wife and child. You are telling her that her feelings are not important. That your brothers girlfriend is more important than your family.
This will ruin your marriage because no wife could stay happy with a husband who does not defend his family.
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Get the book Lovebusters and read through it together.
His Needs Her Needs for Parents also has a very good chapter in it on Inlaws. I suggest you read that, too.
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I'm curious as to why your wife is so involved in your brother's love life?
Why is your wife privy to their arguments? Does he argue with her and then run to your wife?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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So we came to a compromise. All I want is peace, and nothing more. My wife has disliked both my Brother and his girlfriend, than parents and little sister fell into the mix so overall she doesn't like any of them. she even hates my dog haha
Anyways she told me she will slowly cooperate and attempt to make peace. I told her if peace cannot be made and the opposing party are the ones denying peace, than that's it. No questions asked they don't have to be part of our lives. So she brought that up, as long as I can support her and I agreed. Seems like a new beginning and I just hope we can start fresh.
Thanks so much everyone, any other tips? I know it will take some time, I'm not planning on setting up a reunion this weekend. I figured well take steps.
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And the argument was My brother and his girlfriend vs my wife while I was at bootcamp. Sorry shouldhave been more clear.
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she even hates my dog haha Did you have the dog when you married her? Did the two of you discuss the dog?
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Yes we got him we bother agreed, but you know as usual dogs rip stuff and make messes. Nothing crazy just the usual and she hates him! Haha for a minute I feel like she hates anything I love, but hey no one is perfect we can become stronger and work on communication. I know I've failed as a husband by not being supportive, I just want peace nothing more
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Yes we got him we bother agreed, but you know as usual dogs rip stuff and make messes. Nothing crazy just the usual and she hates him! Haha for a minute I feel like she hates anything I love, but hey no one is perfect we can become stronger and work on communication. I know I've failed as a husband by not being supportive, I just want peace nothing more Are you interested in saving your marriage? We can help you but you have to follow the program.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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