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First, I've been around here for a while. Just on the affair form  Anyway I startded dating the lady who I adore. She as two teens and I have 3 (girls). She broke up with me two days ago. I tried my best to talk her out of it but she says we have too many things pulling us apart. I said that we should get back together in three months and see where things are then. Does that sound reasonable or does it spell disaster? We didnt talk about it but I'm sure we would date ofher people. I'm thinking a three month Plan B. The other question I have is would be benefit from couple therapy? We have logistical issues that do need didcussing. I have young children and she had older ones. Five kids in a house does seem a little crazy.
Last edited by PhoenixStar; 03/04/15 01:31 PM.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I read on your other thread you got divorced 6/2013. So, you were dating her when still married?
I think this relationship has died a natural death. No contact to heal. You dated while married and no marriage plans after two years - it is time to let it go. It isn't going anywhere. You should never have to beg someone to stay when dating. If you do, its not the right one.
Last edited by alis; 03/04/15 01:34 PM.
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Neither one of us is married. My wife had an affair and her marriage just didn't work.
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She broke up with me two days ago. I tried my best to talk her out of it but she says we have too many things pulling us apart. It is better to find out now rather than later that a relationship is not a good fit. When that happens, it is best to move on and find someone who would be a better fit. Why waste your time with someone you KNOW is not a good fit? Don't try to force a round peg into a square hole.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did not meet this person until after my divorce.
Five kids under one roof is a lot. I Have my girls 50/50.
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Phoenix, it seems that many divorced people tend to hastily embrace the first thing that comes along rather than taking their time and dating a lot of people. As such, they tend to try too hard to make an unworkable relationship work. And that is not the point of dating. The point of dating is to find the most suitable partner. You are already at a huge disadvantage because marriages with step children have an 85% divorce rate.
Please slow down and date more people. Dr. Harley recommends dating up to 30 people to find the best fit.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks melody. That's certainly true.
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Good point but I was divorced prior to dating her.
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Thanks melody. That's certainly true. Wouldn't it be horrible for you and your daughters if you made a bad choice and you had to go through another divorce? That would be devastating. You have many good options, you just have to keep looking for them. Seems like guys your age are pretty hot properties. If I were you, I would be selectively dating women with no kids because with kids, there is baggage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If I were you, I would get very active on the dating forum here because these guys are PROS at selection. They can give you a very objective viewpoint of the folks you are dating.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Good point but I was divorced prior to dating her. That's fine - but remember, you are dating - "shopping" - for a fantastic fit. It doesnt mean either of you are bad prospects, just not the right fit. When you put too much expectation into a dating relationship, it leads to trying too hard to fit the square into the whole. If after two years, it isn't fantastic and marriage isn't on the table, its dragging out the wrong fit. You are too busy patching the rental to notice the buyer that's right for you.
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I did not meet this person until after my divorce.
Five kids under one roof is a lot. I Have my girls 50/50. You were living together?
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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M, my fear of exposing my girls to another break up will probably kill all of my relationships. Six months ago she would have married me and I couldn't even say the word. I don't know if I could every get married again. The affair thing really screwed me up from that perspective.
Anyways, this lady was straight up with me and told me she didnt want the responsibility of my girls when her kids were almost grown. She wanted her freedom in five or six years when her kids were gone.
Not to get on the affair subject but damn.... I don't think I can ever heal from that.
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M, my fear of exposing my girls to another break up will probably kill all of my relationships. By all means tell your daughters that you are dating but do not introduce them until you have been seeing someone for six months and it looks as if it could progress into marriage. At the six month mark it is time to have 'the conversation' about commitment so the introduction fits very well into that time frame. Plenty of time for them all to bond once you marry. This will not be hard because she will be a friend to your daughters, you will take all of the responsibility.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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M, my fear of exposing my girls to another break up will probably kill all of my relationships. Six months ago she would have married me and I couldn't even say the word. I don't know if I could every get married again. The affair thing really screwed me up from that perspective.
Anyways, this lady was straight up with me and told me she didnt want the responsibility of my girls when her kids were almost grown. She wanted her freedom in five or six years when her kids were gone.
Not to get on the affair subject but damn.... I don't think I can ever heal from that. What's your goal if not to get married? Don't date if you don't want to marry because no relationship will survive a renters policy for more than a few years. If you aren't happy and arent healed - what are you offering her exactly?! She gets your heart and soul if you marry so it really should be cheerful and whole. I'm thinking a three month Plan B.
The other question I have is would be benefit from couple therapy? . I really think these are quite dreadful concepts to apply to a dating relationship. Dating should not be any work at all for her or you. Dating is not commitment. It should be an interview for marriage in which you present an easy, fun, romantic relationship. Added to which you are willing to commit to marriage and work through any 'future' problems which patience and care. I say 'future' because if there are any current problems you wouldn't be getting married.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Anyways, this lady was straight up with me and told me she didnt want the responsibility of my girls when her kids were almost grown. She wanted her freedom in five or six years when her kids were gone. I know it may not feel this way now, but isn't it good then that she left? She doesn't want to be a stepmother to your kids. It's really bad on her that she didn't tell you sooner. In that sense she really did fail the interview.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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I'm sorry, but if you think you need counseling while dating that should be a huge red flag. Have you listened to these clips? Beware of Bad Counselors
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Phoenix, it seems that many divorced people tend to hastily embrace the first thing that comes along rather than taking their time and dating a lot of people. As such, they tend to try too hard to make an unworkable relationship work. And that is not the point of dating. The point of dating is to find the most suitable partner. You are already at a huge disadvantage because marriages with step children have an 85% divorce rate.
Please slow down and date more people. Dr. Harley recommends dating up to 30 people to find the best fit. I love this advice. It needs to be on a sticky at the top of this forum.
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