I found out about 2 months ago my wife was having an affair. she is 34 years old and I am 38 we have 4 children ages 13,11,9 and 6. Once I found out she was doing this, she basically turned her back on all of us. She comes home about 3 nights a week to see the children but its very late she gets to see them for about a hr if they are lucky. She tells me she has no plans at this time to end the affair. I not sure what I need to do to get her to end this affair. can somebody please help me and my children

Hi MWKS, welcome to Marriage Builders. Where does she live? What do you know about the OM? And who all knows about her affair?

Have you exposed her affair to your friends and family asking them for their support in ending the affair? Do your children know their mother is having an affair?

Have you read the sticky thread at the top of this forum? That's where you should start. You should be in Plan A. Exposure is part of Plan A. Plan A also involves eliminating all your love busters. Did your wife have any complaints about you?

Do you know who the other man is? Have you confronted him? Have you told him to stay away from your wife?

yes I have done all of this my kids know and they are resenting her for it. she doesnt care. I have told everybody, I confronted him and she still wont stop. She told me I made her happier than anybody ever could but, thats not what its about. so how long do these things last? I dont want a divorce, when we got married I to my vows for better or worse and I'm not sure it can get any worse. I've always told her I would walk through the fires of hell for her and that's exactly what I feel like Im doing.

Welcome!

I'm glad you've told the kids.

Did you 'tell everyone' or strategically expose? There is a difference.

You should have encouraged people to support your marriage and confront the adulterers.

What were the reactions?


Did you expose OM?

Who is this weasel and does he have a spouse you can expose to? Is it a workplace affair?

the OM is someone she met on FB and he is worthless. He is 29 works 1 day a week and lives with his parents. not a workplace affair. I did a strategic exposeure and told her parents, her family, the kids, and our friends. When I confronted the OM he was shaking like a leaf on a tree (now I wasn't going to get into a physical confrontation with him) but he didn't know that. Like I said the kids are resenting her and its like she has turned her back on them as well as me. She sees them maybe 10 hrs/ week or when its convienent for him. So right now I'm being lovenly detached. I really cant see this lasting too long she is used to a lavish lifestyle and I refuse to do anything that she wants. If she needs something I tell her have him get it for you. Right now I just feel like i'm in no mans land. All I am doing is making sure the kids are taking care of and my self, I have started lifting again and going to the gym alot (I have a lot of anger to get out lol). She told me the other day that I needed to stop going because I have lost 35# since all of this had begun and she has gained almost the same. any ideas?

Welcome to MB.

How did she come to move out? It is not usual for a woman to move out and leave the kids behind. She usually tries to kick out the husband. What discussions led to her moving out? Did she just up and leave?

With whom is she living now?

Who takes care of the kids when they are not at school? Is your wife providing you with financial support, since you are maintaining them? Is she paying anything towards your rent or mortgage?

Usually, when people connect through FB, they know each other from their past lives. Do you know anything of how they came to connect? Is he a friend of a friend?

Have you exposed to his parents and his Facebook friends? That's the juggernaut you need to chase him off.

Where do they meet? At his parents' place?

You should also be Plan Aing her which means showing her what an MB marriage is like. So, don't go the gym if she objects. Even though her rationale is crazy! Invite her to go with you.

What are you doing to cut off the affair contact? Is she calling him or emailing him from the house?

Where are you sleeping?

Well she stays over there about 4 nights a week and comes home to see the children the other 3 but she only sees them for minutes a day. Yes he is a friend of a friend he friended her and said hes seen her around and they started talking. His parents know a bout it and say they are consinting adults not for them to worry about. The kids will just have to get used to it. Real winners I know. I have invited her to go to the gym with me but she said he doesnt want her to go so she wont. I have told her I want it cut off and I dont want her texting or calling from our home. she siad I really dont care. I am sleeping in my bed. she usually sleeps with our oldest child. What do I do to get them to cut ties?

Is that what the parents said to you when YOU exposed?

Just checking this is first hand.

Have you also exposed him to his FB friends? you could also expose his enabling parents too - choose married couples and people with the same last name. The parents might not be so laid back when everyone knows about their scuzzy attitude.

Just add 'unfortunately his parents are supporting their affair by inviting her to sleep over with their son in their home. They are aware she is leaving her children at home with me.'

You should also expose him online - Cheaterville etc.






Affairs are jealous places! Especially when the guy knows he is a loser.

Just keep pushing her and offering her other temptations - her favourite restaurant etc, stuff he couldn't possibly afford. When she says no, just say 'it's up to you but you are a grown woman and a mother who needs fun too - why shouldn't you have some fun with your husband?'

Also invite her on fun family outings - WWs are more likely to go for that than one on one time and it will drive OM nuts.

Even if all you hear is 'no, no, no' you are giving her something to think about.

If she takes calls inside the house say loudly down her ear'Please do not conduct your affair here. The children and I are heartbroken enough' - don't let up till she takes the call outside.

Keep a diary and thank the gods. No matter what else you have a great shot at custody.

They'd have to be in an affairage themselves to come up with this. Affairages tend to be very argumentative relationships and that house is not a fun place to be! They may put on a short term act but it won't last.

We always describe the A as the pig pen - but that house truly is.

I would stop this cake eating by allowing her to come and go as she pleases. It is going to make you hate her and confuse your children. She will have little incentive to end her affair if this continues. She has already basically abandoned her children for this loser and shows up to appease her guilt...and maybe stock up on stuff to take to the bum's house.

Have you spoken with an attorney? If not, please do so ASAP. I would file for legal separation at the very least and give WW a very ugly yet realistic look into what her life will be like if she chooses to continue her affair.

Welcome to MB

No, Dr H expressly says not to do that with women. A few of us told a BH to kick his wife out and Dr H clarified that it's best for women to always feel they can come home.

Very surprising! But I suppose it makes sense - the BHs plan A encourages cake eating.





Legal advice is a great call though. Be prepared.

This is the thread where Jedi Knight asked Dr Harley to clarify the issue on a WW being asked to leave.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2794118

I am not surprised that Dr H has advised that to some BHs but I also don't recall that advice when the WW is half way out the house. The cases I remember against not kicking out the WW is when the WW was still living at the house full-time. If there are other situations like this, I haven't read them...maybe his advice would be the same though.

I think the OP should write Dr. for more clarification. Even that thread doesn't address a WW who is living at her APs house half the time...and the resentment of four children who she continues to neglect even when she is in the house.

She is not there even half the time according to the OP. 4 out of 7 days, she is living and sleeping elsewhere.

On the 3 days she graces her children with her presence, it is just before bedtime from what I have gathered.

Now take out each days work and sleep time and it comes out to at most, several hours out of 112 typical waking hours per week, allowing for 8 hours of sleep per night.

So, it's about 3% to 5% of the waking hours. Basically, she is nearly a non-existent entity in the family and the childrens lives.

LTL